Most people have an understanding of the signs of physical abuse, but the same isn’t always true for emotional abuse. Missing them can be easier since emotional abuse is more challenging to identify and comes in several forms.

Emotional abuse involves the abuser using power over you to intimidate and exclude you mentally using actions and words. Many can remember the words a bully from school said to us, even if it was a long time ago. It feels even worse when those things come from a partner, parent, other loved one, or coworker.

While emotional abuse comes in many types, there are five that are important to be aware of. We’ll give more information about each below.

Love Bombing

Whether you have heard the term love bombing or not, you’ve surely seen it in real life or on television. So what is love bombing? It involves a partner who gives you positive behavior, sweet words, and affection to the point where you trust them, and they can manipulate you in the future.

However, love bombing only lasts so long. At some point, the abuser will remove affection and make you feel bad. This can occur in romantic relationships and with colleagues, family members, and friends.

Continuous Criticism

Everyone makes mistakes, but continuous criticism can make you feel you do nothing right. The abuser is happy to latch onto anything about you to make you feel self-conscious. Criticism of this kind is emotional abuse. You’re taught that you aren’t good enough and don’t deserve them.

Controlling and Possessive Behavior

Being cared for is nice. A phone call to make sure you made it home okay is harmless. Making several calls and leaving angry voicemails when you’re out with friends is not. There is a line between care and control. Condescending or patronizing language may also be used, or you may feel you can’t do things without getting permission.

Swearing, Insults, and Aggression

If an abuser realizes they can control you, they might start to use rage on you. This could be a manager at your job who starts to verbally abuse you because they are having a bad day. It also might be a partner who says and does terrible things to you. In addition, some abusers use physical aggressiveness, like punching a wall or throwing a phone, to show their anger.

Gaslighting

When someone often denies or distorts the truth, it can make you doubt your own perceptions and reality. This can make you second-guess yourself and question whether your memories are accurate. After all, you’re being told that it isn’t true. This is what is known as gaslighting.

This might manifest as someone saying they didn’t do something you know they did. Or it might include comments that question whether what you say happened really did. It can get under your skin and make you question yourself.

Steps to Take

If you experience one or more of the signs of emotional abuse above, seeking help could be the right tactic to take. Those who notice these signs in others can offer assistance to those experiencing abuse. While emotional abuse is harder to see than physical abuse, knowing the signs is a large part of the battle.

It isn’t always easy to implement boundaries in your personal life. However, it’s a skill everyone should have. Boundaries let you separate your feelings and needs from those of your family, partner, friends, coworkers, etc.

The right set of boundaries helps you create healthy relationships with limits attached to them. If you plan to set personal boundaries, make sure you’re aware of what you will do if someone pushes past them.

Below are five tips to help you create good personal boundaries.

1. Understand Your Needs

The first tip is to think through your needs and why they exist as needs, not wants. Once you understand the purpose of a need, it’s easier to keep it in place.

Having that boundary may be important to ensure you keep your mental health in a good place. This is important to thrive and enjoy your life. When you take care of yourself first, you can take care of others better.

2. Choose Radical Honesty for Yourself

While being radically honest with others may not always be possible (and can come off the wrong way in some cases), it’s something you owe to yourself. Before you share your boundaries with others, you need to be honest with yourself.

For instance, consider jotting down what is holding you back or bringing you down in life. Are there relationships that pull you down? Is a situation making it hard to fulfill your needs? When you start to think about what feels wrong, you can choose to make changes that give you more control in your life.

3. Work Towards Direct Communication

It can be challenging to state your needs directly. You might feel more comfortable being vague. However, you need to push past this. When you are direct, there’s no chance of miscommunicating your needs. This means a single conversation may be all that is needed.

You don’t have to go into the reasons behind your boundaries. You simply need to make it clear that these boundaries exist. Share the line you will not allow to be crossed. The less clear you are about this, the more your words can be misinterpreted. This can lead to a lot of frustration down the line.

4. Move Inward Instead of Outward

It’s a bad move to try to fix someone else. It likely won’t work and is often a source of serious stress and frustration.

Instead of focusing on how to make someone else “better,” turn that focus on yourself. How can you change how you respond to a person, instead of focusing on changing them. You’re creating boundaries for yourself to be mentally healthy. That is what matters.

5. Build a System of Support

Whether it’s you, friends, or family members, everyone needs a support system. It can make it easier to stick to your boundaries. Remind yourself that you’re doing well and have a reason to hold boundaries.

If a complicated conversation is coming up, ground yourself first. Once it’s over, provide yourself with a reward or some deep breathing to relax. This is a time when self-care will give you a lot of benefits.

Final Thoughts

Identifying your boundaries and sticking to them is hard work but it needs to be done. Your wellbeing should always come first. Whether with friends, families, or partners, you deserve to feel safe. If you have trouble setting boundaries, consider talking to a therapist. They can help you find a good way to deal with the situation.

You’ve likely heard the term “work-life balance,” which refers to how you split time between a career and the other parts of your life. Putting work boundaries in place is essential to maintaining good emotional and physical health.

When you have a good work-life balance, you can align your activities to the values that are important to you. It also ensures you can work on relationships in your personal life to enjoy a happier existence.

Why Implement Work Boundaries

Without work boundaries, you’re more likely to do more than you can handle, avoid taking time off, and agree to do tasks you don’t have time for. It can also result in you working off the clock or doing the work of more than one person.

These things might not sound bad when they stand alone, but they can quickly add up. As time goes on, they can result in less happiness and productivity. Eventually, you may feel a sense of dread when you need to go to work.

Nobody can keep this up forever. You’ll end up with too much going on and suffer burnout. However, there are several things you can do to avoid this occurring. Prioritize good work-life balance in the ways we’ll explore below.

How to Create Work Boundaries

The first thing you need to do is assess what boundaries you need and how you will implement them. Boundaries come from your priorities in life. Be aware of your limits, listen to your feelings, and permit yourself to have boundaries. After that, you can look into the environment and find ways to improve it.

After you’ve chosen the boundaries that matter to you, make sure those things are communicated with others. This can be as simple as letting team members know that you won’t take calls or emails past 6 PM. When you communicate early, you avoid potential miscommunication.

Structure is essential to working so you want to create a structure for your boundaries from the start. This avoids any anxiety or stress around what is allowed and what isn’t. For instance, if you have certain blocks of time when everyone knows you aren’t to be disturbed, you’re less likely to have someone come knocking on your door.

It's also important to be sure your work relationships are professional. Many people have a close friend or confidante at work and that’s okay. However, the majority of your work relationships should be fully professional. There needs to be a separation between coworkers and friends.

While you’re at it, make sure you take time off when you have it. The worst thing you can do for your mental health is to let this time expire. Use the free time you have and recharge for when you come back into the office. Being happy and well-rested will benefit you and the rest of the team.

Final Thoughts

Now that you know why work boundaries are needed and how to set them up, all you have to do is take the plunge and make some changes. If you’re having trouble setting boundaries or adhering to them, don’t be afraid to seek out help. A therapist can work you through the process so you can enjoy both work and the rest of your life.

Regardless of industry or company, there are nearly always challenging bosses in the workplace. If you’re in this situation, you likely want to find a way to get along with them better, especially if you otherwise enjoy your job.

The reality is that some managers move up when they don’t have the best leadership skills. Bad communication skills, lack of empathy, and below-average team organizing skills can create a challenge for the team working for the manager.

When it feels like your boss doesn’t understand you, is incapable of leadership, needs to work on management abilities, or acts emotionally rather than logically, it can be hard to work with them. Complaining, confronting, or being disruptive can just make things worse.

If you want to stay but are having issues with a boss, there are a few things you can do to make the workplace less stressful. All of these things can help you create a better relationship with your boss and learn skills you might use when promoted or at a different organization.

Show Some Empathy

Just like you and your teammates, the boss is likely under a lot of pressure. It just happens to be a different type of pressure. Managers often know upsetting information and will be accountable for all sorts of things you don’t think about. In some cases, this can lead to feelings of anxiety and stress that are transferred to you and the rest of the team.

If a manager isn’t good at dealing with pressure, it can make the team feel as if they’re walking on eggshells. When the boss is anxious and that grows, it makes it harder to cope with all the things going on. Rather than getting frustrated, consider asking about what pressure the boss is feeling.

Consider Behavioral Style

Bosses who aren’t great at communication may also have trouble encouraging their teams. Behavioral style can play into this. Some people are quick to act, extroverted, and fast-paced. Others are slower, more thoughtful than apt to act fast, and introverted. There are many combinations of behavioral styles between these two, as well.

Watch your boss to get an idea of how they do things naturally. Once you see what works for them, look at the differences between the two of you. These things could be causing conflict. Rather than fighting about who is right, think about whether you can make some small changes as a compromise.

Support the Boss

Even if your boss isn’t nice and supportive, that doesn’t mean you have to have that same attitude. There’s nothing wrong with heading home to vent about a boss you do not like. This is normal and healthy. However, you shouldn’t act this way when you are in front of the boss.

Instead, do whatever you can to support the boss and the company as a whole. Don’t think of this as faking it, it’s simply part of getting through the day. Support the boss as much as possible and leave venting outside the office when needed.

Final Thoughts

In many cases, a bad boss can be stressful. However, there are ways to make the situation less stressful. Of course, this doesn’t apply if a boss is abusive or unethical. In that case, you should speak with someone above the boss. If the problems do not get better, a therapist may be able to help you decide your next steps.

Updated January 29, 2025

All or nothing thinking is a common cognitive distortion that often happens with people who have issues related to anxiety. This might include depression or panic disorders, for example. However, others could fall into this type of negative thinking pattern, as well. Those who think this way view things in extremes and they see many things as black or white without any room for gray areas.

THE DANGERS OF ALL OR NOTHING THINKING

This type of thinking can cause a substantial amount of harm. It will affect the way you feel about yourself and others. Typically, this type of thinking will use absolute terms, such as always or never. It’s either good or bad with nothing in between, and this results in many people not being able to see alternative outcomes. It can make it difficult, and in some cases impossible, to see solutions.

• Someone who participates in all or nothing thinking might notice the following:

• Feeling as if you are a failure

• Having lowered self-esteem and confidence

• Difficulty finding a middle ground or thinking of solutions

• Being less likely to take risks

• An inability or unwillingness to forgive yourself

• Trouble asking others for help

• Lack of resilience

• Less self-compassion

When someone engages in this type of thinking, they either believe themselves to be successful or a failure in the things they do in life. You see yourself as either being worthy or not worthy. You could also start to see others in this binary light, as well. This can lead to harsh and unfair judgments of yourself and other people. It can make the world feel like a very bleak place when you are so negative, and this can help to cement your feelings of negativity, depression, and anxiety.

On the other hand, those who see themselves as successful may find that they aren’t doing anything to become a better person. Regardless, this type of thinking is a problem.

SIGNS OF ALL OR NOTHING THINKING

Consider the type of language you are using. If you are using phrases such as “I will never pass this test”, “no one will ever love me”, or “I always lose”, it’s a sign of all or nothing thinking. This type of thinking ends up becoming self-fulfilling.

Another sign of this type of thinking is giving up easily. You want to have goals and dreams, but if you give up on them quickly, you see and focus on only the failures, not the successes. Bouts of low self-esteem and anxiety can cause people to be more apt to use all or nothing thinking, too.

These are only a couple of examples of the signs of all or nothing thinking. You can see several more below:

• You find it difficult to look at a situation and notice the positives.

• You commonly use words like “should” and “shouldn’t” or “always” and “never.”

• You focus largely on downsides, even when a potential opportunity is found.

• You have trouble receiving feedback, whether constructive or positive.

• You don’t try things unless you’re sure you can perfectly do them.

• You find that even the smallest mistakes lead to feeling like a failure.

If you are ignoring the good, if you procrastinate, and if you don’t feel motivated, it could be because this manner of thinking has taken hold. Fortunately, there are things you can do about it.

EXAMPLES OF ALL OF NOTHING THINKING

All or nothing thinking is common for those who are perfectionists or who struggle with their mental health. Giving in to this type of thinking only feeds into the idea that there are merely two options: failing or succeeding. In reality, most of us spend most of our time somewhere in the middle. Many times, people are more closed to success than they realize.

The next section will look at some examples of all or nothing thinking and how it can affect you.

Example 1:

Dan keeps a to-do list where he writes down all the tasks he has for the day. After completing his to-do list for several days, he runs into a snag. One of the projects he plans to complete cannot be done that day. Dan starts to think about nothing other than how he isn’t completing the list, which throws him off with finishing other tasks and nearly completing the list.

Dan thinks, “If I can’t complete all my tasks, what good am I anyway? There’s no way I can keep completing my to-do list with more challenging tasks if I can’t do it today. I’m a failure, and I’ll never be able to get as much done as the people around me.”

Example 2:

Blair goes in for an interview for a job that she is highly qualified for. While she’s speaking with the hiring manager, he asks a question that she struggles to answer. This leads Blair to feel as if the entire interview is a wash. She gets stuck in her head about the missed questions and makes additional mistakes due to all or nothing thinking.

Blair leaves the office dejected and sure she won’t get the job. She thinks, “if I can’t even get through an interview, how will I handle a job in this position? Maybe I’m just not cut out for this industry. After all, I couldn’t answer a simple question.”

Example 3:

Georgina has been struggling with an anger issue. She goes to therapy and starts to learn ways to work on it. However, one day, Georgina is on edge and frustrated, and she lashes out at her partner. Letting her anger out once in an unacceptable way makes her think that there’s no point in continuing to try. She determines she’s simply an angry person, and there’s no way to change it.

Georgina thinks, “Well, if I can’t control my anger now, I’m sure I can’t do it in the future. This is simply the way I am. I’ll never be able to work on this. It’s just the way it is.”

HOW TO STOP ALL OR NOTHING THINKING

One of the best things you can do is pay attention to the things you say and the way you think. Learn to recognize when all or nothing thinking starts to take root and learn to see beyond the black and white world. There are more than just two possible outcomes, and you should strive to focus on the good, even when the result is not what you want.

Replace Thoughts

Start replacing those all or nothing words with words that are more positive, such as “but”, “or”, and “and”. Embrace the mistakes you make and learn from them, list the possibilities rather than the absolutes, and identify the emotions you feel when you are going through an experience. Additionally, you could also work with a cognitive behavioral specialist for help.

Seek Out a New Perspective

Once you know you’re thinking about something in an unhelpful way, dig into that. Write down what happened, what it means to you, and your proof of your final assumption. Consider sharing with a coach, family member, therapist, or friends to get the input of others. In many cases, you’ll find that you didn’t fumble as bad as you thought. Your brain is simply making you feel you did.

Reframe the Thoughts

When you start to spiral about a situation, sit down and ask yourself how else you can look at things. The truth is likely somewhere in a gray area rather than all good or all bad. Even doing something that isn’t perfect doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. Reframing your thoughts can be learned through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). You’ll learn to notice self-criticism and evaluate your thoughts for truth.

Social anxiety is also known as social phobia. Social phobia, in a nutshell, is the fear of being in social situations. Social anxiety can be described as the fear of interacting with someone who isn’t a family member or close friend.

Most of us have experienced feeling nervous in a social situation – think about your first interview with a job you really wanted or your first date with your partner. You probably remember feeling anxious, excited, or apprehensive.

However, the difference is, people without social phobia still follow through with these social events. They can experience the rewards of the outcome, like getting their dream job or meeting their future spouse. People with a social phobia will be unable successfully complete these important experiences.

Social anxiety is the third most prominent mental health issue across the globe. It affects almost 7% of the population. Nearly 13% of people will experience social anxiety at some point in their life.

What Causes Social Anxiety?

You can’t necessarily narrow social anxiety down to one simple cause. Most times, people who develop social anxiety do so over time, and multiple factors and experiences can contribute to the eventual outcome of developing a social phobia. However, there are some possible causes to examine:

• Genetics – People with a family history of anxiety may be more likely to develop social anxiety or other kinds of anxiety.

• Brain activity – Some studies have shown some parts of the brain are more active in people with social anxiety, such as the amygdala.

• Life experience – Certain social situations can cause someone to feel judged, different, or unwelcome. If a person experiences these negative feelings often in social situations, they may develop social anxiety.

Situations that May Trigger Social Anxiety

Social anxiety has many triggers that center around a person having to interact with others with whom they are not completely comfortable. Situations that can be difficult with social anxiety include:

• Job interviews

• First dates

• Parties

• Public speaking

• Business meetings

• Presentations

Most people will feel nervousness or even fear in these situations. What distinguishes normal nervousness from social anxiety is intensity and persistence. Though most people might feel nervous before a big job interview, they can put their nerves aside and complete the interview as normal. Someone with social anxiety may be physically unable to complete the interview due to overwhelming anxiety.

Types of Social Anxiety

Essentially, there are two types of social anxiety:

• Generalized social anxiety – The person with generalized social anxiety will feel fear around most social situations, regardless of importance. This type of anxiety can make even “fun” social situations, like a birthday party, unbearable.

• Non-generalized social anxiety – The person with non-generalized social anxiety will have a specific trigger(s) that cause their social anxiety. For example, for some people, this could be going on a date or interview. They may be fine at a birthday party or in a lower-stakes situation.

Signs and Symptoms

Social anxiety is a fear of interacting with others, most often with an underlying fear of being judged or embarrassed. Someone experiencing anxiety in a social situation may present with:

• Shortness of breath

• Sweating

• Shaking

• Increase heart rate

• Feeling faint

With social anxiety, anxious thoughts are common. Someone may think that everyone is judging them, or that no one truly likes them, even if they have no proof of that. This can cause a person with social anxiety to act in the following ways:

• Apologize often

• Spend a higher-than-normal time preparing for a social situation or event

• Seek frequent reassurance from others

• Leave social situations hurriedly

• Avoid entering social situations

People with social anxiety entering a social situation may make great efforts to avoid their triggers. This includes things like using alcohol to cope and “loosen up,” frequently excusing themselves to the bathroom or outdoors, and refraining from contributing to a conversation.

Getting Help

If your social anxiety affects your day to day life, or gets in the way of opportunities for you, it’s wise to seek help. Therapy can help greatly to reduce social anxiety and give the sufferer many coping mechanisms to face social situations again. Social anxiety will rarely be resolved on its own, so it’s important to seek professional help to start the journey of healing social anxiety. If left unchecked, social anxiety can cause someone to become depressed. By getting therapy, someone with social anxiety can begin to live a normal life again.

A phobia of driving can happen to almost anyone and is more common than you’d think. Driving is a necessary part of many people’s lives, so having this phobia may greatly impact one’s quality of life. With proper therapy and treatment, people can overcome this phobia.

Introduction

Driving anxiety is a very prevalent form of anxiety. It can range in severity; some folks have a hesitation to drive caused by anxiety, while on the other end of the spectrum, some people refuse to drive at all, in which case it becomes a driving phobia. A phobia is a fear that is paralyzing, meaning it stops a person from being able to do the activity in question.

People with a driving phobia may fear certain instances that can happen on the road, such as:

• Being trapped in a traffic jam and unable to escape

• Passing out at the wheel

• Losing control of their vehicle

• Getting into an accident

The fear of these hypothetical situations can be strong enough to keep some people off the road entirely.

Symptoms

The symptoms of a driving phobia are similar to most other phobia symptoms.

Physical symptoms:

• Heart palpitations

• Perspiring and sweaty palms

• Dizziness

• Dry mouth

• Shortness of breath

Psychological symptoms:

• Refusal to drive

• Extreme panic when driving

• Confusion or disorientation

• Intense fear of losing control of oneself or one's vehicle on the road

A driving phobia usually starts out as driving anxiety. By avoiding driving for long periods (to avoid anxiety symptoms), people typically develop a phobia of driving.

Causes

Driving phobias can be caused by many things, but sometimes, there’s no exact cause at all. Some of the most common causes are:

• People who experience an incident such as a car accident or "close call"

• A lack of confidence in driving skills

• An extension of agoraphobia (phobia of enclosed spaces)

• Watching someone they know get into a car accident

A study by Beck and Coffey reported that 25–33% of people involved in a car accident that resulted in injuries and related evaluation in a medical setting experience subsequent fear of driving as a direct effect of the accident.

However, some people can develop a driving phobia without ever getting into an accident. This is especially true for folks with pre-existing anxiety conditions, such as agoraphobia.

Getting Help

A driving phobia can severely impact a person’s ability to hold a job, live a normal social life, and do other important activities. If left unchecked, someone may become depressed due to being unable to overcome their fears.

The good news is that with therapy and hard work, people can overcome their driving phobias. A therapist can offer a range of cognitive-behavioral therapies to change the way a person thinks about driving and give them resources to use when feeling afraid. There are also promising new therapies, which include using virtual reality to gain driving confidence.

If you or someone you love experiences driving phobia, talking with a therapist is a great first step in regaining their quality of life.

Agoraphobia is an extremely common anxiety disorder, affecting about 1.8 million adults. Although common, agoraphobia is serious and can impact the sufferer’s quality of life. Agoraphobia is the intense fear of being unable to escape, often presenting as fear of crowded or closed-off spaces.

Symptoms

Agoraphobia is classified by the DSM-5 as an individual diagnosis. Although it may occur with other diagnoses, it can also stand alone. The symptoms and effects of agoraphobia can impact a person’s ability to live a normal life.

To be diagnosed, someone must experience fear or panic in at least two of the following situations:

• Being in an enclosed space (theater, mall, restaurant)

• Waiting in a line or being in a large crowd

• Being out of the home alone

• Being in a wide-open space (fields, bridges, etc.)

• While on public transit (buses, trains, planes)

In someone with agoraphobia, many of the above day-to-day situations will cause extreme anxiety and panic. An individual usually fears that something bad is going to happen to them and they will be unable to escape. Someone with agoraphobia may also experience more intense bouts of fear, called panic attacks, which can produce both physical and mental symptoms and can be debilitating.

People with this phobia may change their routines to avoid crowds or other situations that trigger anxiety. At least one-third of people with agoraphobia are unable to leave their homes due to extreme anxiety.

To qualify for a diagnosis, an individual needs to exhibit these anxious and avoidant behaviors for six months or longer.

Causes of Agoraphobia

The causes of agoraphobia can vary from person to person and can be hard to pin down. Some common causes that can lead to agoraphobia are:

• Experiencing a trauma, such as being mugged or attacked

• High levels of neuroticism

• Having family members with the condition (The DSM-5 notes a 61% heritability.)

• Growing up with caretakers who were very protective

• Having panic attacks

  • Sometimes, people who have panic attacks eventually develop agoraphobia as a result. It usually starts because they fear having a panic attack in a public space and being unable to get help or embarrassing themselves.

Co-Occurring Mental Health Conditions

Many people with agoraphobia have other mental health conditions as well. Clinical samples have shown that over 50% of people diagnosed with agoraphobia have a history of panic attacks. A large majority of people with agoraphobia have co-occurring anxiety disorders of some type. Sometimes, a person who suffers from agoraphobia and other anxiety disorders may abuse drugs or alcohol to self-soothe. This can cause other mental health conditions, like addiction and depression.

Getting Help

If you or someone you know is impacted by signs and symptoms of agoraphobia, seek professional help. Agoraphobia can be managed with therapy. A therapist can give the sufferer a toolkit of resources to use when feeling afraid. The therapist can also treat any co-occurring disorders that may be exacerbating agoraphobia. With professional help, someone with agoraphobia can begin to enjoy day-to-day life again.

Imposter syndrome is a specific diagnosis that makes you feel as if you are lesser or otherwise not worth the accomplishments you’ve managed in your life. Despite evidence to the contrary, you will likely feel unworthy or useless if you’re suffering from imposter syndrome, and you’ll likely hoard these feelings of discontent for long after they have already started to harm you and your mental health.

In the simplest terms, those who are suffering from imposter syndrome constantly feel as if they are a fake or a fraud, and that it’s only a matter of time before they’ll be found out.

If this sounds like something you’re dealing with, lets talk about the best ways to handle imposter syndrome.

Best Methods for Handling Imposter Syndrome

There are many ways to combat Imposter Syndrome, but they all boil down to recognizing your internal worth and taking ownership over the wins you’ve made.

Consider the following:

Stop Looking At Other Grass

Many cases of imposter syndrome come from people comparing themselves to others. It’s much easier to look at someone else and see how they’re thriving, or how they’re worth all that they’ve achieved, but it’s much harder to look inside yourself and do the same. However, if you keep your eyes on your own paper (life) and stop comparing yourself to others who seem like they have it so much easier, much of the basis for your imposter syndrome will feel less relevant.

Therapy/Talking to Others

Seeing the truth of what you’re feeling can be extremely hard. This is why you should enlist the help of others in your life – or with a professional, licensed therapist – to help you discern what is imagination and what is reality. So that, rather than running yourself in circles, you can have some external viewpoints to contrast with your own.

Keep Your Accomplishments At the Forefront Of Your Mind

Imposter syndrome thrives in situations where it’s hard to determine what is true and what your feelings are telling you. So, when it comes to imposter syndrome, you will need to fight feelings with facts.

Even if you feel as if you don’t deserve your accomplishments, make a list of the things you’ve achieved. Then, in moments when you’re feeling down about yourself, you can refer to this tangible list of achievements you’ve scored in your life.

Discerning Truth From Reality

Imposter syndrome can come for the most settled individual, and it’s an insidious thing that might not be noticeable until it already has its grips in you. However, at that point, realize what negative feelings you keep cycling back to, and try to separate those feelings from objective facts.

For example, if you think that you don’t deserve something or that you don’t have the skills to perform something to the level it requires, look back on what you’ve accomplished before. Have you done it before? If you’ve done it before, that’s proof that you can do it again, no matter what your feelings are telling you.

Use Imposter Syndrome As a Weapon

This might seem somewhat counter-intuitive, but one of the best strategies against imposter syndrome is imposter syndrome itself. Whenever you’re feeling low, keep the description of imposter syndrome at the forefront of your mind and remember that imposter syndrome doesn’t latch on to people who are actually imposters. Ergo, if you’re feeling imposter syndrome, you are not a fraud!

Takeaway

Imposter syndrome can come for everyone, and there isn’t much to be done until you’re in the thick of it. However, if that happens to you, use our tips to get a handle on your imposter syndrome, then look on your achievements with your head held high.

Burnout is a serious condition that can get worse if left alone. However, conversely, it’s hard to handle burnout because it’s hard to determine if you are suffering from burnout. (Although, two years into the Coronavirus pandemic, it’s pretty likely that you’re suffering from burnout, even if you may not know it yet.)

Burnout can be an insidious situation that can grow worse and worse until you aren’t even aware of how bad it’s become. Burnout tends to crop up as signs of depression, irritability, listlessness, feelings of worthlessness, and an increasing lack of patience.

Luckily, if you know – or suspect – that you’re dealing with burnout, there are ways to try and get your life back on track.

What to Do About Burnout?

Keep in mind the following factors to ensure that you can have a positive handle on your burnout and nip it in the bud as quickly as possible.

Recognize That You’re Suffering From Burnout

This may seem obvious, but the first step of handling your burnout is to recognize that you’re suffering from your burnout. Check out our list of burnout signs/symptoms and see if any of them match up with how you’re feeling. From there, use that comparison to see how likely it is that you’re dealing with burnout.

Find What Is Causing the Burnout

In many burnout cases, there is usually an underlying cause or source that is highlighting your feelings of burnout. For many, work is a cause of distress and burnout, so examine your life to see if particular sources are at root of your feelings of burnout.

Make Changes

Once you’ve determined what is most likely causing your burnout, you’ll have a much better idea about what you can change to make it all more manageable. Do what you can to lighten your load or otherwise lessen what you have to do to keep you from being overwhelmed – getting a handle on your priorities can lessen your stress and give you some relaxing breathing room.

Set Boundaries

Overextending yourself or working beyond your means is one of the quickest ways to find yourself feeling burnout. As such, knowing your limits and refusing to strain yourself beyond them is a great way to avoid burnout. Be firm with yourself about what you can and can’t do and be equally firm about setting limits regarding how much time you can commit to others’ needs in place of your own.

Talk to People/Consider Therapy

Knowing that you’re experiencing burnout and having ideas for how to feel more relaxed and in control are all well and good, but it can help to unload your burdens onto others as well. If you’re not sure where to start, reaching out to others whom you trust.

Takeaway

Burnout can be hard to get a handle on, and it can be even harder to recognize as a problem. However, once you realize that it’s not just you, you can try the tactics mentioned in this blog and start getting your feelings of burnout under control.

What Is Imposter Syndrome?

Imposter syndrome is a term that gained prominence in the 1970s. It’s the term used to describe the phenomenon of internally feeling as if you aren’t as competent or amazing as others might believe you are. It has been linked to issues with achievement, intelligence, social cues, and even perfectionism. Another way to look at it is that if you suffer from imposter syndrome, you’ll feel like a fraud/fake/phony, or as if you have only achieved the things you’ve achieved in your life because of dumb luck or riding on others’ coattails.

Imposter syndrome can come for everyone, no matter their work experience, skill level, schooling experience, or financial or social status.

Imposter Syndrome Signs

There are common signs that you might be suffering from imposter syndrome, so read on to see if any of these fit with how you’re feeling:

Can’t Judge Your Abilities Accurately

If you find that you’re the type of person who consistently minimizes your skills, it might be that you’re not accurately judging your abilities. To look at it another way, let’s say that you have 20 years of experience in marketing… yet when someone asks about your abilities, you – earnestly – claim that you are not as skilled as your 20 years of experience would otherwise prove.

Think You’ve Only Succeeded Due to Luck

Let’s refer back to that earlier phenomenon where despite your 20 years of experience, you doubt your ability to succeed in your profession of marketing. Part of why you might feel this way is because you believe that every success you’ve found in your life is only due to external factors beyond your control. To look at it another way, you may only believe that you’ve received any success in your life because you’ve been lucky a few times.

Despite there being evidence to the contrary, you may only believe that your successes in life are due to the actions of others, or despite the actions you’ve taken. If you think back on what you’ve accomplished in life and find yourself automatically discounting your efforts, you might be suffering from imposter syndrome.

Constantly Thinking About What to Do Better (Even When You’re Winning)

Another main sign of imposter syndrome is feeling as if you can always be doing better than you currently are. Even if you’re successful, able to pay your bills, due for a promotion at work, and have a loving partner at home… there’s always that thought in the back of your brain that says you can always do more or always do better.

Consequences of Imposter Syndrome

There are a few individuals who can find their motivation bolstered by imposter syndrome, but for many, imposter syndrome will only leave them with constant anxiety and a constant feeling that they’ll never be good enough. This feeling drives many people to overwork themselves, push aside signs of burnout and a lack of mental wellness, and otherwise be too hard on themselves to live a healthy life.

Additionally, imposter syndrome isn’t a one-and-done sort of experience. Just because you succeed at something once doesn’t mean that your imposter syndrome will go away. In truth, you’ll likely double down after a success – due to that feeling of luck and unworthiness – and start the vicious cycle anew. Anxiety, depression, and feelings of isolation are likely to follow when one is experiencing imposter syndrome.

If these feelings are resonating with you, talk to your therapist or get in touch with us.

If you’re a person living in this world of 2022, you are likely feeling burnout. The past two years have felt extremely untenable, and there has been very little time to decompress or recover from all the curveballs the world has thrown at everyone.

If you don’t believe that you could possibly be suffering burnout, then read on to learn about various signs that point to burnout to see if any of them sound familiar to what you’re dealing with.

Signs to Look For

More Prone to Headaches

If you find that headaches seem to be accosting you at every turn, no matter what you do, it might be a sign of burnout.

You Feel Worthless

If you’re feeling that nothing you’re doing is worth anything, or that you’re not being effective when you do try things, you might be suffering from burnout. This is an extremely common sign of burnout, so if you’re feeling listless or feel as if there’s no point in what you’re doing, see if it’s related to a feeling of burnout.

Pessimism

If you find that you’ve become extremely pessimistic or cynical in your daily life – especially around things that used to give you extreme amounts of joy – it might be that you can’t muster up the energy to handle anything with positivity. This is another common sign of burnout.

Exhaustion

If you find that you’re constantly tired, no matter how much relaxation and sleep you’re getting, you might be suffering from burnout. Physical or emotional distress and fatigue both count towards this exhaustion, so if you’re finding that it’s hard to get out of bed in the mornings, then it might be burnout at play.

Trouble Sleeping

If you are finding that you’re having trouble sleeping, and you can’t figure out any rhyme or reason behind your troubles, it might be that you’re experiencing burnout. You might think that burnout would make you want to sleep more, but you’ll find that, even if you’re sleeping more (a common sign of depression), you just don’t feel rested.

Depression

Feeling depressed – whether you have a history of depression or otherwise – is a common sign of burnout. Research has shown that if you suffer from depression, you might also suffer more easily from burnout; the two sometimes go hand in hand.

Irritability

Similar to pessimism, if you find that things are getting under your skin more easily, it might be a sign of burnout. Take note if you find that things you were previously able to brush off now feel as if they’re the last straw in your life – if your temper is shorter than usual, it might point to burnout.

Easily Distracted

If focus just isn’t in it for you anymore, you might be experiencing burnout. Being easily distracted is a big sign that plays into not being able to pay attention and also into a feeling of worthlessness. The worthlessness leads to distraction, which cycles back into the worthlessness (since you’re not being productive) and vice versa.

Takeaway

By now, you’ve likely determined if any of the symptoms listed in this blog are familiar or not. Know that there’s no shame in suffering from burnout – just make sure to take care of yourself and allow yourself to decompress when necessary, so that you can stay fighting fit!

Faulty thinking comes in a variety of forms. Self-serving bias is one of those forms. This form of faulty thinking affects the way someone functions both in personal situations and in society as a whole.

Self-serving bias is one of several identified cognitive distortions. Understanding cognitive distortions and understanding self-serving bias is the beginning of changing the behaviors.

Once you understand what each of those is, cognitive behavioral therapy might make sense.

Defining Cognitive Distortions

Inherently negative thoughts that are based on false beliefs are called cognitive distortions. Everyone experiences a negative thought pattern on occasion. When those thought patterns become routine, they have the potential to become harmful to a person’s overall mental health.

Several harmful thought patterns qualify as cognitive distortions. Self-serving bias is one of those thought patterns. Many people experience this kind of cognitive distortion, but not all of them remain hampered by the thinking.

What does self-serving bias look like up close?

Defining Self-Serving Bias

Do you know someone who always takes the credit when good things happen, but something negative is never their fault? They will blame other people, animals, acts of nature, anything but themselves for their mistakes or shortcomings. This is called self-serving bias.

Many people exhibit this kind of behavior in their teen years or during their early college days. Forgetting a project or doing poorly on a test often gets blamed on the teacher or a study partner. However, a good grade means they were successful on their own.

Typically, as people age and mature, this bias changes. For some, though, it doesn’t. Those people are the ones who may need assistance retraining their thought processes to eliminate this faulty thinking pattern.

Self-serving bias hampers the way people learn from mistakes and cope with adversity. When they view all mistakes as someone else’s responsibility, they are likely to repeat the negative patterns of behavior. This bias can be harmful to interpersonal relationships as well as societal conduct.

As with other cognitive distortions, self-serving bias affects multiple aspects of life. Consistent negative thought patterns affect self-concept as well as the way people interact with others. This particular distortion affects how people view mistakes and whether they actually learn from them.

Defining Cognitive Behavior Therapy

Cognitive behavior therapy is a therapy technique that uses goal-oriented therapy to recognize the presence of cognitive distortions. After the distortions are identified, thoughts are reframed and reconstructed. The plan is to correct negative thought patterns and create healthier ones.

Because this kind of therapy is goal-oriented, it takes a specified amount of time to implement. Don’t expect instantaneous results. Negative thought patterns develop over time, and the positive or more rational ones will take time to develop as well.

Final Thoughts

Self-serving bias is relatively common. Many people have the habit of blaming failures on anything other than themselves. If these patterns continue, there could be issues with personal relationships and with functioning in society. Cognitive behavior therapy can be used to help retrain these thought patterns.

When you deal with problems in life, you develop a variety of coping mechanisms. Some of them are healthy while others can cause you additional issues. Everyone has the occasional negative thought.

However, when those negative thoughts become the norm, it can lead to a cognitive distortion.

There are several forms of cognitive distortions. Therapists utilize cognitive behavior therapy to help retrain their clients minds and teach them to adjust their thinking. One form of cognitive distortion that cognitive behavior therapy can treat is fortune telling. Before we look specifically at fortune telling, let’s define cognitive distortions a little better.

What Is A Cognitive Distortion?

Cognitive distortions are negative thought patterns that give you a skewed perception of reality. These are coping mechanisms that people develop when they face hard times in life. The more severe or lengthy the time of hardship, the greater the chance of developing cognitive distortions.

When negative thoughts become a habitual way of coping with adverse situations, you start to believe things that aren’t factual. Your mind adapts to this negative thought pattern. This is the essence of a cognitive distortion. One such cognitive distortion is fortune telling.

What Is Fortune Telling?

When you think of fortune telling, you may think of the lady at the fair who is peering into a crystal ball. While that is a fun-and-games scenario of looking into the future, the cognitive distortion by the same name is quite serious. In this way of thinking, you are convinced that you know what will happen without having all of the information.

Everyone experiences a bout of fortune telling behavior on occasion. It’s easy to jump to a conclusion on a bad day. It becomes a problem when every scenario has a negative outcome in your head, and you haven’t taken the time to gather all of the facts.

Fortune telling behavior happens more often when someone is anxious or depressed. Those disorders keep you feeling on edge. Feeling nervous or extremely sad allows negative thoughts about yourself or your situation to enter your mind. You begin to predict what will happen and can’t be convinced that you are incorrect.

Fortune telling behavior can affect the relationships you have with others. If even one thing is different than what you expect, you can begin to tell yourself that the friendship won’t last. You will begin to make choices based on what you think will happen instead of based on actual events.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy

One way to help adjust the negative thinking that causes fortune telling is cognitive behavior therapy. This type of therapy helps you not only recognize the harmful thoughts but also to begin having more healthy thought patterns. This therapy doesn’t have instantaneous results. It’s goals-driven and tends to take a specified time frame.

Final Thoughts

Fortune telling predicts the future based on faulty thinking. Everyone can exhibit this behavior at times, but it becomes a problem when it’s a constant pattern. Cognitive behavior therapy can be beneficial in changing these thought patterns.

You just got a big promotion at work, but you think your boss has made a mistake by giving it to you. You win a prestigious community award, but you think it was a fluke and should have been given to someone else. That blue ribbon? It should have gone to your neighbor instead.

If this sounds familiar, then you may have fallen into the way of thinking known as discounting the positive. Everyone says they were “just lucky” now and again. If that thinking has become a pattern, you should be aware of the habit and take steps to replace this cognitive distortion.

Cognitive Distortions Defined

A cognitive distortion is a negative thought pattern that becomes habitual. These patterns inform your behavior as well as your self-concept. These thoughts are detrimental to you because they aren’t based on truth.

Therapists have identified multiple forms of cognitive distortions. One of these is Discounting the Positive. How do you know if you’re having a bad day, or you’ve entered the realm of cognitively distorted thinking?

What Does Discounting the Positive Mean?

If you’ve ever said, “Oh, that was just luck,” you’ve discounted the positive. Discounting the positive means you don’t take credit for the good things you’ve earned or achieved in your life. You think it’s just a wild coincidence that something good happened.

Everyone has credited luck with something good happening on occasion. The issue comes when it is a habit. If you habitually say you don’t deserve the things you have or that you didn’t earn your position or your awards, you have slipped into a cognitive distortion pattern.

When you use this kind of thinking you don’t expect good things to happen again. Your confidence in your abilities is shattered because you don’t believe you deserve the good things that have happened. You don’t recognize your own capabilities. You view everything as a fluke.

A person who doesn’t recognize the positive accomplishments in life is often highly self-critical. Their self-esteem is dramatically damaged by their own negative thinking. It reaches a point, if unchecked, where the person refuses to even consider the possibility of a positive outcome.

Can Anything Help?

As with other cognitive distortions, there has been some success with using cognitive behavior therapy as a treatment for discounting the positive. The point of cognitive behavior therapy is identifying negative patterns and then replacing them with new thought patterns.

This goal-oriented therapy is not an instant solution. It takes time to restructure thoughts so that they are no longer harmful to your mental health. Developing unhealthy thought patterns didn’t happen instantaneously, so neither will correcting them.

Final Thoughts

There are a variety of cognitive distortions that have been identified. One of them is known as discounting the positive. If you always view good events in your life as nothing more than luck, you may have fallen into this thought pattern. Recognizing and retraining these negative patterns is a goal of cognitive behavior therapy.

There are many types of cognitive distortions that people struggle with. Knowing the name and signs of something can help you avoid these patterns in yourself or understand and help if a loved one is struggling.

Magnifying is one of these types of distortions. When someone magnifies a situation, they evaluate it in a way that makes the situation a much bigger deal than it is, which causes them to react to that situation or the people involved in ways that cause further problems.

Imagine looking at something with a pair of binoculars, or zooming into a photo so that you can only see one small portion of it up close. When you do this, all the imperfections show even more, and the picture might even begin to blur. You can no longer see everything around the image, which could be important to understand the whole picture.

Magnifying affects the context in which you view the situation. When you magnify, you focus on one part of a situation (usually a problematic one), and all of the possible effects take control in your mind.

For example, imagine that you go to the grocery store for a family member’s favorite dinner dish on their birthday. The store is out of that particular ingredient and you imagine having to cook without it, which will ruin the dish, which will then cause the birthday person to cry/throw a fit/make rude comments, which will create further arguments that will cause rifts in the family for months. This is magnification.

How to Avoid Magnification

Remember that every thought that comes into our minds does not have to be one that we hold on to. Even if our initial thoughts jump to magnification, we can acknowledge the thought and then bring up other possibilities. Try to imagine someone else in the situation and what they might do, or what you would say to a loved one who is struggling with the same problem you are thinking about. Stepping out of your box and into another person’s shoes can often help us see things from a different perspective.

It's okay to have negative thoughts. However, you can re-train your brain to not let these thoughts take over and to focus on the positive instead. Use a gratitude journal to write down at least three good things a day. When our brain focuses on the negative, it will seek out the negative. When it focuses on the positive—on blessings, joys, affirmations, and good feelings—it will learn to look for these things and desire the good effects that come from them.

What to Do if You or Someone You Love Is Struggling

Always take mental health and cognitive distortions seriously. If it seems that your life or the life of someone you know is being negatively impacted by magnifying or another cognitive distortion, reach out to your mental health provider or to your primary care manager for a referral. It’s okay and important to ask for help and it can prevent more serious issues down the road.

There are many cognitive distortions that you or people in your life might be dealing with. These cognitive distortions can bring struggle and strife to conversations, relationships, and development. Understanding these distortions, how you can relive them, and the reasons for them can prevent unnecessary conflict and begin healing early on before more serious problems arise.

One of the most common cognitive distortions is called minimizing. This happens when someone takes a situation and “brushes it off” or ignores it because they think that others are out to get them or simply don’t understand. Often, people who minimize do not want to take ownership of a situation or want to stay stuck in their negative behavior patterns. They inevitably minimize another person’s thoughts or feelings regarding certain actions, words, or relationship patterns.

Minimizing can also happen when someone refuses to see the positive in themselves. If they do well they might think that it was a fluke and they wouldn’t be able to replicate the situation, or if they receive a compliment they will tell themselves that the compliment-giver was “just being nice” and didn’t mean it.

People who minimize situations can be helped by learning to see the opposite—often more positive—side of something.

For example, if a person fails a test that they worked hard to study for, they might say to themselves, “That test wasn’t important anyway and the class and professor were just out to get me. I don’t need to worry about it and I’ll just quit the class.” A healthier thinking pattern would go more along the lines of, “Wow, maybe I didn’t understand the material as well as I thought. I can ask for some extra help or resources outside of class and I know I’ll be able to try again on the next assessment.”

Re-train Your Brain

The brain is a muscle that can be exercised to think in certain ways. If you are constantly thinking of and concentrating on the negative aspects of things, then the brain will seek those out and learn to only focus on the negative.

However, the opposite is also true. You don’t need to ignore negative thoughts, but you can acknowledge them and then actively look for the positive. Turn a situation around and look for the silver lining or how a struggle can turn into something good. If you focus your mind on the good things in life—and assure yourself that they are there—your brain will learn to seek out those good things and reap the benefits.

Mental health professionals often remind their clients that if they are struggling with minimizing (or its counterpart, magnifying), that the problem is not with them as an individual. They can help their client understand the feeling by referring to looking at a situation through an altered lens, which, if removed, can help the person see something more clearly.

Don’t Forget

If you or a loved one struggle with minimizing, practice turning a situation around and looking at the other side. Remember, too, that seeking out the help of a mental health professional almost always has benefits that can prevent further problems down the road.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “nothing is ever black and white.” This definitely holds true in the world at large, especially when dealing with humans, relationships, and emotions. This article will detail what black and white thinking is, what causes it, and the types of problems it can cause, as well as resources to get yourself into a more flexible way of thinking.

Definition

Black and white thinking is a phrase for when someone thinks or feels in absolutes. A situation is either right or wrong, good or bad, and there is no in-between. Many mental health professionals feel that this thinking pattern is a cognitive distortion because although certain situations do necessarily call for definitive decisions, the world generally doesn’t work in such a “one or the other” way.

Causes

Black and white thinking could be the cause of another mental health struggle or personality disorder. There are three conditions often associated with black and white thinking.

Narcissism

Narcissism is a personality disorder in which someone believes that who they are, what they think, and what they believe is the end all and be all, and that anyone who goes against them is wrong. Their only interest is themselves, which is why the name for this condition stems from the Greek myth of Narcissus, who fell in love with his reflection in a pool and thus drowned trying to attain the reflection’s love.

Anxiety/Depression

People struggling with anxiety and/or depression often think that change or positive possibilities to solutions are non-existent or impossible.

Borderline Personality Disorder

This disorder can often be accompanied by overpowering feelings of anger, anxiousness, or extreme sadness that the person feels they cannot overcome. People suffering from borderline personality disorder often think in absolutes.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Commonly referred to as OCD, people who suffer from this sometimes find comfort or consistency in black and white thinking. Instead of feeling rigid, as others might see it, this gives them a feeling of control.

Effects of Black and White Thinking

Depending on where this type of thinking stems from, it can affect different parts of your life.

Relationships

When most of us can look at a situation and see both sides, or know that there are gray areas, it can be difficult to have a conversation or relationship with someone who can only see things one way or another.

Education

When learning experiences are qualified as passing or failing, a person who thinks in black and white might then qualify themselves as good or bad, a success or a failure.

Job Possibilities

Most jobs require compromise with colleagues and critical or creative writing for problem solving. Black and white thinking can create rigidity which does not fare well for a shared work situation.

Eating Habits

Black and white thinking can cause people to also view foods as good or bad, which can create a lot of anxiety regarding food choices and an unhealthy view of nourishment.

How to Reframe Your Thinking

Black and white thinking can be unlearned. Reframe your mindset into a “growth mindset,” which allows for flexibility and change. Challenge yourself to see the other side of a situation. Try to avoid using words such as ‘always’ or ‘never.’ Watch for changes in the world around you and try to see where change can be beneficial or where it has not caused catastrophe. Learn to ask for help and know that being able to accept the fluidity of the world can actually make things easier to deal with. It’s okay to not be in control of everything.

The crease on my forehead was the first age line to set itself. Years of post-traumatic anxiety and anger, and unawareness — being oblivious to the furrowing brow line — formed a crease that might only be smoothed by an injection of onabotulinum toxin A (Botox). Today, the muscles that form a frown are engaged but not contracting. This muscle tension defines a part of a sensory imprint for grief.

Since late August, each morning I have awakened unmotivated. Dysthymic. The dysthymia is reminiscent of 9/11’s ten-year anniversary — the year I started going to therapy. This decennial is much harder than the one during which I was in denial. On a walk today, a memory returned. Then my heart cavity filled with pain at the thought of a thousand hurting families missing their loved ones as the 9/11 anniversary nears. I did not lose anyone I knew personally, but I grieve, unable to forget September 11, 2001 and memorable moments that followed.

A New York Times article this week proudly explained why we heed to “Never Forget” while it unabashedly highlighted how memory fails. It made no mention of trauma, the kind of stress that causes its bearer to never forget. For those who were traumatized, who saw death before them or lost a loved one to death, the reminder minimizes their pain. We cannot forget.

My traumatic memories of that day make me a vessel for the feelings of thousands of people who are missing those who were lost. Did you call Brooklyn Hospital that night? Then you might have spoken to me. I wanted to tell you your loved one was gone, that I saw the destruction and no one could survive it. Instead I gave you another phone number to call, or I said, “I’m sorry. That person isn’t here.”

Images of the burning towers no longer haunt me. I am no longer anxious, no longer hypervigilant, and no longer easily startled. I no longer panic in benign situations and rarely have nightmares if at all. I can think of the bodies that fell and be completely calm. But thinking of the people who called Brooklyn Hospital, I am a hot mess.

That Times article had an image of names engraved in the memorial at the World Trade Center plaza. Takashi Makimoto was at the center of that photo. His was one of the names the president of Fuji Bank read to me at 3:30 in the morning as he grieved out loud in Japanese custom. I remember thinking that moment, “I know a Takashi.” A few weeks later, a picture of him, or maybe his co-worker, was posted on a bulletin board outside of a Manhattan hospital. Some months later, a customer at the bar I tended told his own survival story: Everyone was coming down the elevators from Tower 2; a group of Japanese businessmen entered the elevator bank; a Port Authority worker told everyone to go back upstairs; my customer refused and escaped; the businessmen went back upstairs.

While I write this, I have a pain in my chest, like a piece of my heart chipped away and flowed into my left arm. But I have no obvious emotion. The tears were cried earlier today during therapy. The grief comes in waves, which are more frequent as the day arrives but less intense.

In Wisconsin, a new 9/11 memorial is ready for the public to visit. But in San Francisco, memorials consist of social (fun) activities: meal packing for a food bank, beach cleanup, and a workout event. The closest ceremonial gathering is at least an hour’s drive from the city. Despite the Bay Area’s casualties from Flight 93, the anniversary is devoid of solemnity in San Francisco culture, and people who are hurting like me are alienated. Then again, why do we spend so much time remembering the dead? They don’t feel emotions like we do, who are alive, because the dead don’t have their bodies to hold them.

In Bay Area culture, “Never forget” is not said nor seen enough. I feel for the families in the Bay Area who grieve, who remember each September 11 with the pain of loss. I feel for the families and colleagues of the thousands of others lost that day. I feel for them because I connected with some of them in their despair, on the phone. We remain connected through remembrance with memories seared by trauma, like a hot iron brand on our hearts. 

Because some forget, there are gaping voids of disconnection that make empathy impossible. Though, not forgetting is not enough. We must also understand the depth and intensity of the pain of loss, and then embrace the hope that healing provides. If we all had this understanding, the pandemic would be a less impactful conundrum.

Emotions connect us. When we acknowledge the connection between ourselves and nurture it, the connection becomes a bond. When we don’t acknowledge the connection, we wither, become depressed, anxious, sometimes angry, or something else miserable. We must allow this anniversary to remind us of the power of this connection and the strength of a bond. We need not only to not forget but also to raise our empathy and grow in our humanity. Those of us who cannot forget are otherwise isolated, and as a whole culture we are weaker as a result. Without connecting to those who cannot forget but continue to grieve their losses —and let’s not forget those who suffer social injustices — we as a country cannot have the integrity we need to be strong.

Remember 9/11. But don’t just remember those who died. Also understand the many levels of trauma that people experienced and continue to experience, and the lessons they learned. Never forget, because some cannot.

Updated October 25, 2024
By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

A “should statement” is a type of negative thinking pattern that can cause feelings of doubt and fear in a person. These types of statements are a form of cognitive distortion, and they can create a binary set of conditions or options in a person’s perception that can be unhealthy. These types of statements often make you feel guilty about something you have or haven’t done. They can make you feel as if you have failed.

The way a person thinks will play a huge role in how they feel. Negative thinking and should statements often cause people to develop stress and could manifest other mental health conditions. Some of the other words that are associated with these types of statements include “must” and “ought”.

People who have anxiety and/or depression will often use these types of statements when they are describing things that are happening in their lives, or when describing themselves. They feel that they should or must do or not do something. When they fail or fail to act, it can cause you to take a more negative and pessimistic view of your life. Others might find that the use of these types of statements can cause increased anxiety, as well as avoidance behaviors.

Examples of Should Statements

These types of statements can crop up nearly anywhere in your life. Let’s look at a few examples.

• I must lose weight to look better

• I ought to call the plumber

• I should call my family more

• He should’ve called me back

Although these statements might seem innocuous to some, they have dangerous potential. They are negative ways of thinking about things and they can often make a person feel frustrated when they don’t do or achieve what they put in their should statements.

Reframe the Should Statements

It can be difficult to break away from using these types of statements. Often, they become commonplace in a person’s life. You might not even realize that you are doing this to yourself. Take some time to think about the words you say out loud or that you think to yourself. You might find that you are using these should statements more often than you imagined. Fortunately, you can do something about it.

You will want to reframe the statements. First, though, don’t be too hard on yourself if you continue to think about and have these types of statements for a while. It’s hard to break habits. When you notice yourself using these statements, write them down. Look at what the statement is saying about yourself and think of the emotions that you are hoping to control with that statement. Consider why you are putting pressure on yourself with the statement.

Once you have a better understanding of it, you can then reframe and reword it so that you can swap out the “should” thoughts with others that are more realistic. You could say “I would like to lose weight and am working hard toward that goal in ways that are achievable for me” rather than using negative language. Do your best to not allow should statements or other negative thinking to dictate your life.