Although it would be an interesting power to have, people are not capable of reading the minds of others. When discussing mind reading in the field of psychology and psychiatry, we’re talking about the attempt to figure out what is happening in someone else’s mind without asking them what they are thinking.

Although it is possible to read certain cues that can help to understand someone’s mood in certain cases, it is not foolproof and it can often cause more problems than it helps. Often, it can act as a barrier when it comes to being empathetic and truly understanding. If you assume that you know what’s happening in another person’s mind, it can lead to miscommunication. It can also make you feel like you don’t need to ask them, which can cause you to make mistakes in the way you judge and interact with people.

Mind Reading Mistakes

Mind reading mishaps often occur in relationships. These could be friendships, work partnerships, or romantic partnerships.

For example, let’s say that a friend doesn’t invite you to go out to a restaurant because they assumed that you wouldn’t want to go for one reason or another. Maybe someone at work is upset with you because they assumed you were thinking something negative about them. Perhaps your spouse makes an important decision without asking you because they thought they knew what you would want.

Sometimes, you might believe that someone is thinking something negative about you or your relationship. This can cause you to worry and become anxious for no reason. This happens more often in relationships than many people realize.

Chances are good that you are guilty of mind reading since we all are to some extent. It’s natural to look for cues and to interpret what they mean. However, our interpretations are not always accurate, and that’s what leads to problems. Therefore, you will want to know how you can stop from always mind reading in your relationships.

Stop Mind Reading

One of the first and most important things to do is to make sure that you understand that you have certain biases and a limited view of the world. You don’t know everything, and you can’t know everything that someone is thinking. Understanding this helps you realize that you need to communicate. Becoming more self-aware will help you to learn how to empathize with others. It can also help you to stop from projecting your views onto others and mistakenly believing it is what they are thinking.

Better communication is essential. Ask more questions to help figure out what other people are thinking and feeling. Be more receptive when they are talking with you and repeat things and ask for clarification if needed. This will help you to ensure that you and the other person are truly on the same page.

Be aware of the mind reading fallacies and learn to communicate better. It will help you in all of your relationships.

Some people will leap to the worst possible conclusions about something that happens or that could happen in their lives. This is known as catastrophizing, and it is a type of cognitive distortion. People who do this will often believe that the worst will happen even though they typically have limited information. Even with what many would consider relatively small problems, they will feel as though they are going through a major problem. It can be difficult to get away from this type of thinking.

What is the Cause?

It is not entirely clear what causes catastrophic thinking in people, as there could be different reasons behind it. There is the possibility that it is a coping mechanism that has been learned from other people in your life. It could result from experiences you’ve faced in the past. For example, if you have had one or two events that have turned out more terribly than you initially thought, then you might start to see everything through a catastrophic lens. There is also the possibility that it could be related to brain chemistry.

Typically, those who have other conditions will be more likely to engage in catastrophizing thinking. For example, people who have depression and anxiety and those who often feel tired and fatigued may be more likely to think this way.

How to Battle Catastrophic Thinking

Although we all have negative thoughts from time to time, there is a big difference between occasional negativity and catastrophizing. When the negativity starts to get out of control and when it grows to a point that is beyond the reality of what’s happening, it becomes a problem. For those who think this way, it becomes easier and easier to turn everything into a catastrophe in their mind.

Naturally, having this pattern of thinking can be destructive. Being constantly worried about what could happen can amplify feelings of anxiety and depression. However, those who can learn how to better identify this pattern of thinking can start to get a better hold of those negative thoughts.

Being more mindful can help you to better determine which thoughts are irrational and which are causing you the biggest problems. When you have better control over your thoughts, you will find that it tends to be easier to get catastrophizing under control. Sometimes, it will be difficult to do this on your own and you may benefit from therapy from a professional.

Going through cognitive behavioral therapy has the potential to help, as it can address behavioral and thought patterns. You can start to learn how to recognize irrational thoughts, so you can then replace them with rational thoughts.

Catastrophizing can affect the quality of life that you have. Being constantly worried and anxious about things that are not likely to happen can be exhausting. It can feel crushing. However, there are methods of treatment discussed above. If you feel that you tend to catastrophize, consider talking with a specialist.

We all want to believe that if we work hard and do the right thing, good things will come to us. That idea is promoted by many religious leaders, by employers, and we’re even indoctrinated with it in our personal lives from family members and friends. If you work hard, keep your head down, and do what’s right, eventually you will be rewarded.

Sadly, that’s demonstrably not the way it works. We all know people who have worked as hard as us or even harder and yet have far less to show for it. History is rife with examples of people who strove to do the right thing and yet never received recognition, recompense, or any other reward for their actions.

The idea we are talking about is called the heaven’s reward fallacy, but it does not really have anything to do with the afterlife and can affect people regardless of their religious beliefs.

The Wrong Focus

The problem with this cognitive distortion is not necessarily the fact that we work hard or that we strive to do what’s right. It’s that we focus on the wrong thing. We focus on sublimating our own needs while doing for others in the hopes that in the future we’ll be rewarded with love, acceptance, or some other reward. We sacrifice the present for the future. “I will be happy when…” – chances are good that you’ve made those sorts of statements before.

This also applies to things far beyond employment or reciprocated love. For instance, someone struggling to overcome an eating disorder might feel increasingly bitter that those around them do not recognize or appreciate their sacrifices and the willpower required to overcome bingeing and purging. Here, the focus is on receiving praise or acknowledgment from outside ourselves on a job well done. The problem is that many people may not even realize everything required to fight back against an eating disorder.

Another example: One spouse works a full-time job, but also cooks, cleans, does the laundry, and generally takes care of the home. They do this while waiting for some sort of acknowledgment of their effort or recognition, but that never came. Eventually, the person becomes embittered and sullen and drives away the very family members from whom they had sought recognition.

In many situations, anxiety, low self-image, and related problems play pivotal roles. Many people locked into this fallacy feel that they are only worth what they do for others, or what they bring to their jobs – that they have little or no inherent worth in and of themselves. Western society has perpetuated this through the myth that if you do not contribute something of value to society, then you have no value yourself.

Overcoming the Heaven’s Reward Fallacy

While this is one of the more common cognitive distortions, it is one of the most challenging to overcome. Often, it requires therapy to deal with self-esteem and self-image issues, combined with other practices to help us focus on the value of the here and now, rather than some imagined better future.

Events can be categorized as either positive, negative, or neutral. It is also possible to categorize them by significance or severity – being involved in an auto accident would be severe while forgetting to turn off the light in the bedroom when you leave would be relatively minor. However, for many people, the line between significant and less significant can be hard to define.

The Question of Perception

People struggle with many different cognitive distortions that affect their perceptions. One of the more common is magnification or minimization. In this situation, two things can occur. For some people, the importance of an event, particularly an event that is perceived as being negative, such as a mistake, is exaggerated. In the other situation, the reverse occurs, with the individual downplaying the significance of an event or decision.

Magnification

In the case of magnification, an individual will perceive a relatively minor incident as being much more important. For instance, a spilled glass of milk becomes not just an annoyance, but a cause of major upset. Magnification tends to occur with negative (bad) situations – mistakes a person has made or those made by people in their lives, accidents that occur, missteps taken in social situations, and the like. To some extent, we all feel this way – a major social faux pas will be a cause of consternation even if our peers barely notice it.

Minimization

In the case of minimization, the individual will downplay events that occur. This is most likely to happen with positive events or things most of us would consider “good”. For instance, getting a perfect score on a test would be minimized in value, even though the person might have spent hours preparing for it, and taking a small amount of pride in the accomplishment would be considered both normal and acceptable.

The Role of Anxiety

Anxiety disorder plays a central role in both magnification and minimization. Individuals prone to anxiety (or diagnosed with an anxiety disorder) tend to experience both extremes in relation to themselves and even to others within their life. For instance, a minor auto accident, in which neither car sustained any damage and the other driver was understanding and did not want to bother with an insurance claim might become an event of such cataclysmic proportions that the anxious person may decide to stop driving for days, weeks, or even months. This is even though the event yielded no definably negative outcomes.

How to Deal with Magnification and Minimization

The key to dealing with these cognitive disorders is to be aware that they occur. When you realize that you are magnifying a situation, pause and reassess. The same is true for minimizing positive situations – stop, breathe, and reframe the situation.

A panic diary is sometimes used as well to help track magnified/minimized thoughts and define patterns, while also connecting the behavior to underlying triggers. It is also important to remember that no one is perfect – we all make mistakes, so try not to let minor mishaps distract from the good in your life.

We all label things in our life. Things that cause us pain or discomfort are bad. Things that bring us happiness are good. Time spent with loved ones is enjoyable, while time spent doing a task that we dislike is unenjoyable.

Labeling is natural and, at least to some extent, required for us to make sense of the world around us. However, when we blow that ability out of proportion to the situation, we create negative scenarios and views that ultimately exacerbate existing anxiety and create more. Global labeling, sometimes called mislabeling, is the process of basing a characterization of someone on a one-dimensional representation of their character.

The One-Dimensional Cutout

Global labeling occurs when we let one aspect of someone’s behavior color our perception of their entire character. A boss might become an ignorant jerk. A coworker could become someone who slacks off and refuses to work. Someone who cuts us off in traffic must be a complete waste of oxygen.

Many problems exist with this situation and they all stem from a couple of factors. First, we are assuming that the entirety of a person’s character is a particular way based on a single aspect, or perhaps a single interaction with that individual. This blinds us to the fact that the people in our lives, even those we might only interact with tangentially for a brief moment in our lives, are driven by a multitude of causes and conditions, characteristics, and emotions.

No one is truly a one-dimensional cutout, but when we focus on only the negative aspects, it allows us to believe that this is the case. It also leads to an amplification of existing anxiety and even leads to stereotyping and prejudice. When turned inward, this type of thinking becomes self-destructive and dangerous, leading to a negative self-view, depression, even more anxiety, and other problems.

This type of thinking can lead to changes in behavior, as well. For instance, if you aren’t able to make it to the gym, the frustration can make it easy to turn to junk food – after all, if you’re always going to miss the gym (a label based on a single experience) then why bother at all?

How to Break the Cycle

Breaking the cycle of global labeling can be challenging, but it can be done. It requires one thing – the willingness to suspend judgment. This will require that you make space between an action on your part or interaction with someone else and your judgment of that action or interaction. During that pause, ask yourself a few questions:

• Is my view an accurate depiction of what occurred?

• Have I looked deeply into the action or interaction?

• Am I basing my characterization on a single facet of someone’s personality?

• Am I negatively labeling myself or someone else without the appropriate context?

• Am I considering the other person as an individual or am I lumping them in with a wider group?

With time, patience, and the realization that this is what is occurring, you can begin to make changes.

We’ve all been there before. Someone says something, perhaps in line with a larger discussion, or maybe just off the cuff, and it strikes you – they’re wrong and you know the correct answer. Happily, you provide them with more accurate information, but instead of acknowledging it, they double down on their fallacious beliefs.

In this situation, one of the two of you (or even both of you) is struggling with a cognitive distortion called “always being right”. This goes far beyond being a “know it all”, as those individuals generally base their arguments on facts and when presented with more accurate facts, will revise their opinion. In the world of people suffering from this cognitive distortion, being wrong is simply not possible… but it can be addressed with cognitive behavioral therapy.

I’m Always Right

Determining the presence of this distortion can be tricky, particularly when it comes to the rise of misinformation and polarized political stances. Someone has to be wrong in the argument, don’t they? Yes, someone is right and someone is wrong (or they’re both somewhere in a shade of gray on the scale of right/wrong). However, that is not really what this is about.

This cognitive distortion has nothing to do with the actual accuracy of the information/stance/belief. Instead, it is the inability to recognize that something you believe could be wrong. Simply put, in these instances, everything you believe is always right. The beliefs of others are always wrong – usually the result of mistaken beliefs.

It does not stop with the unshakeable belief that you are correct. You will go to any lengths necessary to defend your opinion and attempt to persuade the other person that yours is the correct view. If you have ever witnessed two or more people arguing in the comments on an online news article or social media post long beyond the point that most would have decided to call it quits, you have seen this distortion in action.

Beyond the Verbal Argument

Always being right does not present itself only in verbal arguments. It can also show up as behaviors. For instance, perfectionists often fall into this area, as do those struggling with imposter syndrome. Anxiety and depression are also frequently connected to this cognitive distortion.

How to Combat the Problem

As with many other cognitive distortions, the key to overcoming this one is to pause and breathe. Ask yourself several questions:

• Is it possible that my opinion is incorrect?

• Does it really matter if I “win” the argument?

• Is the other person actually wrong? Can I see the logic in their position?

• Is my desire to be right outweighing my regard for someone else’s feelings?

Look for opportunities to grow and learn new things. Realize that being “right” isn’t really all that important in many situations. Try to give yourself some leeway, too – everyone makes mistakes and it is always possible that you are in the wrong. Being right is not the most important thing in life.

Many different cognitive distortions can affect our thinking. One that is particularly common is “emotional reasoning”. In this situation, an individual assumes that because they feel something, then it must be true.

To an extent, we all experience this from time to time. For instance, it’s part of what underlies our penchant for believing things that support our personal biases, often without much in the way of actual evidence. However, Emotional Reasoning goes deeper and can lead to many problems. Let’s take a look at it through the lens of cognitive behavioral therapy.

Understanding Emotional Reasoning

Emotional reasoning is the condition of being so strongly influenced by your emotions that you assume that they indicate objective truth. Whatever you feel is true, without any conditions and without any need for supporting facts or evidence. This is often tied to negative emotions and mental states. For instance, a teenager who feels that they are stupid and ugly must actually be unintelligent and unattractive.

In these situations, your emotions may even override your feelings, behaviors, and logic. Emotional reasoning can stem from many different situations, but most are traumatic or involve danger of some sort (either real or perceived).

For instance, Heather is a 20-something professional. She’s driving home one evening from work when a serious thunderstorm blows up. Before she can find somewhere safe to pull over and find shelter, Heather hydroplanes in a puddle and is involved in an accident. While she was physically unharmed, and the damage to her car was minor and covered by insurance, Heather refuses to drive in any rainy weather thereafter, believing that she will get into an accident.

How to Overcome Emotional Reasoning

Overcoming emotional reasoning can be difficult, but it is possible. To explore how it is possible, we will use Heather as our example once more.

Heather feels afraid whenever she is behind the wheel and the weather becomes inclement. To help herself overcome the situation, she can recognize what she is feeling, acknowledge it, but then instead of engaging in negative self-talk and telling herself that she’s in danger, she can reassure herself that this feeling will pass.

The Connection with Panic Disorder

Emotional reasoning is often connected with panic disorder. People who struggle with emotional reasoning often engage in negative self-talk that escalates their emotions, leading to a full-blown panic attack. For instance, if Heather continued to focus on her fear of driving in the rain, telling herself that she knows she is going to have an accident, there is a very good chance that she will work herself into a panic attack. There is also the chance that the panic attack will precipitate an auto accident, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy and further reinforcing Heather’s emotional reasoning.

With patience, time, and the realization that simply because you feel something does not make it true, you can begin working to change the situation. Working with a therapist can also help you explore your emotions and how they affect your thinking, beliefs, and actions.

We have all encountered people in our lives whom we believed needed to change their behaviors, ways of thinking, or beliefs. In some cases, that change is necessary for the betterment of that specific individual. However, in some cases, people may believe that others must change for themselves to be happy. This is called the Fallacy of Change and is one of many cognitive distortions addressed by cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

The Question of Change and Seeking Happiness

Change and happiness often go hand in hand. For instance, when you pursue personal development through yoga, meditation, or mindfulness practice, you change old ways of thinking and approaching the world. The result is personal growth and improved happiness. Those who fall victim to the fallacy of change, on the other hand, focus on forcing others to change to support their happiness, and often find that the result is not what they believed it would be.

For instance, one spouse might ask another not to wear their favorite T-shirt simply because the other spouse does not like it. This is a simplistic example, but it serves to highlight how innocuous some of these beliefs can be. A more serious example: a boyfriend believes that his girlfriend is perfect in almost every way, but she can sometimes nag. In his belief that eliminating her nagging would result in his happiness, he tries to force her to change. The result is that both of them ultimately become unhappy.

Another example is a girl who is attracted to “bad boys”. It is not because she finds the boy physically attractive, although that may be true, but that she believes she can “fix” him and make him over in the image of her own desires or what she believes is “good”.

There are many different problems with this cognitive distortion. Perhaps the most significant is that the individual forcing the change believes that their happiness entirely rests on the other person in some way. They fail to realize that their happiness stems from within themselves, thinking instead that some outside force will eventually make them happy.

Ultimately, both the person attempting to force change and the one being forced to change experience unhappiness. The person being forced to change may feel anger or resentment. The person forcing the change usually finds that even if the other individual complies with their wishes, happiness is elusive. The fact that the desired change is usually forced through pressure or cajoling further complicates the situation. Eventually, the negative emotions that the fallacy of change induces will also affect the situation, perhaps even driving a wedge between two people in a relationship.

How to Overcome the Fallacy of Change

The most important step to overcoming this cognitive distortion is to realize that our happiness does not depend on other people. We are responsible for our own happiness – it’s an inside job. Happiness due to external factors (such as someone doing what you want) will only create a temporary sense of satisfaction that soon fades away.

Updated July 25, 2023

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

"Life isn’t fair." We've all heard this saying countless times, but for many people, its truth hasn't really been absorbed. Some firmly believe that life should—and can—be fair, and when confronted with the harsh reality, they grapple with distress and disappointment. This struggle, identified in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), is known as a cognitive distortion, specifically the fallacy of fairness.

What Is the Fallacy of Fairness?

The Fallacy of Fairness is a cognitive distortion where people apply rigid societal norms of fairness to personal interactions, leading to frustration when outcomes don’t meet their expectations of fairness. The society we live in is governed by explicit conventions and rules—laws and regulations. These rules are black and white, cut and dry. However, complications arise when individuals attempt to apply these unequivocal societal norms to their personal interactions. The trouble lies in the fact that two people will rarely, if ever, agree entirely on what "fair" means within the context of their relationship. Perceived unfairness invariably emerges when outcomes seem to favor someone else over us. It's crucial to understand that fairness is not an objective, universally agreed-upon principle—it's subjective and varies from person to person.

The Fallacy of Fairness and Heaven's Reward Fallacy: A Comparison

A closely related cognitive distortion to the fallacy of fairness is the Heaven's Reward Fallacy. This fallacy embodies the belief that one's struggles, sacrifices, and selflessness will eventually be rewarded, just as in many moral and religious teachings. However, life doesn't necessarily operate this way, leading to disappointment and frustration.

Consider Sarah, a diligent worker who consistently stays late to finish her tasks, forgoing personal time and relaxation. She operates under the Heaven's Reward Fallacy, believing that her sacrifice will be recognized and rewarded with a promotion or a raise. When a colleague, who leaves on time or even a little early at the end of each workday, gets the promotion instead, Sarah feels a profound sense of unfairness. The reality, however, is that promotions are often based on various factors, not just the number of hours worked. Sarah's belief in an ultimate fair reward sets her up for disappointment.

What Do We Perceive as Fair?

Our sense of fairness, like all our other notions, is shaped by our perception of reality. However, all perceptions are, by their nature, somewhat skewed, so objective fairness can't truly be perceived by an individual. When reality contradicts what we perceive to be fair, it triggers a cascade of negative emotions, including anger, hurt, fear, a sense of rejection, and more.

Let's consider the case of Tom and Annie, a newlywed couple. Annie expects Tom to work at his job and also contribute to household chores because that was her experience growing up—both her parents worked, and both contributed to household duties. On the other hand, Tom grew up in a household where only one parent worked, while the other managed the house.

Annie frequently feels frustrated and angry due to what she perceives as Tom's indifference to what she considers a mutual responsibility. Tom, for his part, feels perplexed by Annie's expectations and does not understand why he should work at his job all day, only to come home and work some more. Both Tom and Annie feel that they are being treated unfairly, but the reality is neither fair nor unfair—it simply is. Their individual perceptions of fairness, shaped by their unique past experiences, highlight the subjective nature of fairness.

How to Overcome the Fallacy of Fairness: Expanded Insight

Tackling the fallacy of fairness involves a two-fold approach—adjusting our thought patterns and understanding that fairness is not a universal absolute. Our personal experiences and backgrounds significantly shape our sense of fairness, and these experiences might not apply to everyone else. Hence, their sense of fairness will differ from ours.

It's important to first recognize and challenge our automatic thoughts about what's fair and unfair. Are these thoughts based on objective evidence, or are they shaped by personal experiences and emotions? Are we jumping to conclusions without considering the other person's perspective? Awareness, recognition, and self-questioning can be powerful first steps in overcoming this fallacy.

Moreover, effective communication plays a crucial role. This involves expressing our expectations clearly, listening to the other person's viewpoint, and trying to understand their perspective. This communication process fosters empathy and understanding.

Finally, it's essential to seek compromise rather than an absolute sense of personal fairness. It involves working collaboratively to reach an agreement that may not seem entirely fair to either party but is more equitable when considering everyone's perspectives. This approach fosters healthier, more balanced relationships, helping us overcome the fallacy of fairness.

In sum, the fallacy of fairness can be a significant source of distress and conflict in our personal and professional lives. However, by recognizing this cognitive distortion, challenging our perceptions, and fostering effective communication and compromise, we can navigate this fallacy and foster healthier and more satisfying relationships.

By Jada Carter, M.S.

When we share a piece of ourselves, we share our stories to the world. I write this inspired by the powerful words of Amanda Gorman who spoke at the inauguration of the newly appointed President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris. This beautiful and young Black Queen who wore her natural hair as a crown on her head as intended for it to be. I was captivated to see the first woman and woman of color, VP Harris, from my family’s hometown in Oakland, CA that we have progressed in since the 1940’s, to make it to the White House. Then to witness Ms. Amanda Gorman, this powerful and eloquent African American young woman speak on the possibilities of healing, empowerment and the impact of division in our country, was alluring to say the least. 

 So, I share a piece of my story to encourage those who are afraid and weary. Being vulnerable and telling others our most intimate secrets is scary. As I’ve learned over the years and was confirmed by Ms. Gorman “Quiet isn’t always peace.” I’ve found my peace by confiding in my allies and community, even as a therapist. I have struggled beyond what I would like to admit, to be where I am today, as a first generation, proud, silly, queer Black woman. Both learning about and advocating for the mental health of myself and my community has healed me in the most unimaginable ways possible. I want to encourage those who find silence as a coping mechanism or view discussing your feelings as weak to rise above the stigma. Let us be comfortable in being uncomfortable and find healing in a time of such chaos and uncertainty. 

Updated March 12, 2025
By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

In our day-to-day life, we often find ourselves assigning blame for things that don’t go as planned.

• A car that cuts us off

• A family member who forgets to do a chore

These everyday inconveniences can lead to bouts of frustration and annoyance.

But for those dealing with anxiety and depression, the blame game can take a darker turn, often manifesting as a cognitive distortion known as personalization.

“... characterized by a pervasive pattern of negative self-talk and constant feelings of guilt and self-doubt”

Exploring the Psychology of Blame

The act of blaming can be seen as a way to cope with discomfort or to make sense of events that are otherwise difficult to understand. It is intrinsically linked with our psychological need for control and predictability. When something disrupts the balance of our lives, assigning blame gives us a sense of power over the situation. Yet, for some, this tendency can become harmful, leading to a cycle of self-blame or unjust blaming of others. This leads us to the phenomenon of personalization.

Definition of Personalization

Personalization is a cognitive distortion where individuals attribute the entire blame for an event or situation on themselves or others, even when there is little to no justification for doing so. It is a misplaced sense of responsibility that does not account for external factors or circumstances beyond one's control. This blame could be directed towards oneself or unfairly projected onto another person.

The Mechanics of Personalization

This cognitive distortion often emerges from a complex interplay of past experiences, core beliefs, and emotional responses. It can be a learnt behavior, arising from environments where individuals were made to feel excessively responsible. Over time, this pattern of thinking solidifies, turning every situation into an opportunity for self-blame or wrongful accusation.

Symptoms of Personalization

Personalization manifests in many ways. It's characterized by a pervasive pattern of negative self-talk and constant feelings of guilt and self-doubt. This might include blaming oneself for another's dissatisfaction or feeling personally targeted by someone’s behavior, even when it has nothing to do with you. It also includes feeling intentionally excluded when you see a group interacting without you, or assuming that you have control over situations that are inherently unpredictable or uncontrollable.

The Effects of Personalization

The repercussions of personalization extend beyond self-perception, often influencing interpersonal relationships and overall mental health. It can lead to:

• low self-esteem

• heightened anxiety

• and a pervasive sense of guilt

Furthermore, it can strain relationships as individuals either shoulder unnecessary blame or unjustly assign it to others.

Who Is Most at Risk of Personalization?

While everyone can fall into the trap of personalization to some degree, individuals suffering from depression and anxiety-related disorders are particularly vulnerable. Often, these individuals have a history of trauma such as physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, or childhood loss, which exacerbates this cognitive distortion.

How to Stop Personalizing

Overcoming personalization requires concerted effort and sometimes professional help. Seeking counseling is a crucial first step, particularly for those grappling with the effects of past trauma.

Deep Dive: Strategies to Combat Personalization

A couple of self-help strategies can be beneficial in the battle against personalization.

Check Your Control: Whenever you find yourself starting to personalize, ask: "What factors in this situation do I truly control?" More often than not, you’ll realize that you had little control over the circumstances leading to the event.

Check Your Responsibility: Similarly, when blaming yourself for others' feelings or reactions, ask: "Am I really responsible for how they feel?" Unless you've directly caused their emotional response, the answer is likely "no".

Role of Mindfulness, Meditation, and Counseling

Along with the above strategies, mindfulness and meditation can be extremely helpful. Practicing mindfulness enables you to be present and aware of your thoughts and feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them. This can help you recognize when you're starting to personalize, providing an opportunity to counteract this negative thinking pattern.

Meditation, on the other hand, can help you achieve a state of calm and focus, reducing stress and anxiety that often fuel personalization. Regular meditation can help shift your mindset and build resilience against cognitive distortions.

Counseling, particularly cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), is also an effective approach in combating personalization. CBT helps you identify and challenge your distorted thought patterns, equipping you with practical strategies to change your thinking and behavior.

Final Thoughts: The Journey Towards a Happier Life

The journey to stop personalizing and start living a more contented life is one that requires patience, kindness, and perseverance. But remember, it is absolutely possible. Countless individuals have successfully overcome personalization and are now living healthier, happier lives.

In your journey, remember to treat yourself with kindness, recognizing that it's okay to make mistakes and that you cannot control everything. With mindfulness, self-compassion, and perhaps some professional guidance, you can break free from the shackles of personalization. Remember, each step you take towards overcoming personalization is a step towards a happier, healthier you.

The more we learn about the human brain, the more we understand the deep interrelations between various conditions. For instance, individuals who suffer from social anxiety disorder may find that their symptoms are worsened by a cognitive distortion called overgeneralization.

What Is Overgeneralization?

The American Psychological Association defines overgeneralization as, “a cognitive distortion in which an individual views a single event as an invariable rule, so that, for example, failure at accomplishing one task will predict an endless pattern of defeat in all tasks.” People with this condition take the outcome of one event and apply it as the inevitable outcome for all similar events.

Who Is at Risk for Overgeneralization?

While anyone can struggle with this cognitive distortion, it is more commonly seen in people with social anxiety disorder, as well as those with generalized anxiety, depression, and related conditions.

What Are the Symptoms of Overgeneralization?

To some extent, most of us are guilty of overgeneralizing at certain points. For instance, have you ever been frustrated while driving, only to be stopped by a red light and then fume because you’re “always” stopped at “every” red light? This is a good example of overgeneralization in daily life – you’re certainly not stopped by every single red light, every single time, but our brain makes it feel that way. For individuals who suffer from overgeneralization as a cognitive distortion, the situation is a little bit different.

Symptoms include:

• Viewing negative experiences as a set pattern

• Assuming one failure will predict ongoing failure in the same activity/task

• Worsening negative self-talk

• The feeling that you cannot do anything right

How to Overcome Overgeneralization

While overgeneralization can lead to negative outcomes in your life, cognitive behavioral therapy offers some strategies to address these challenges.

Know When It Occurs

One of the most powerful things you can do is recognize when it is happening. This can be challenging, as it requires that you become aware of your thinking while you are thinking it, but when done properly, you can learn to take a step back from the overgeneralization process while it is occurring.

Practice Mindfulness

Overgeneralization involves your thoughts. Therefore, when you are mindful of your thoughts, you can begin to notice patterns. Once you see those patterns, you can start to break them. Some people find it useful to keep a journal in which they record their thoughts so they can identify patterns more easily, as well as identifying overgeneralization triggers.

Look Deeply

An important step in dealing with overgeneralization is to look deeply at your thoughts and emotions, particularly when they are strong and negative. Ask yourself, “Am I sure?” or “Is this actually true?”. Ask whether someone else would see the situation the same way – challenge your thoughts and remember times when you succeeded rather than focusing on failures and negative outcomes.

Ultimately, overgeneralization is a symptom of a larger problem, usually a type of anxiety. Addressing this single symptom may help alleviate others related to your anxiety, but addressing the core issue is also important.

We have all done it before. Someone is telling us a story and we forge ahead, jumping to a conclusion. It may or may not be correct, but we’re convinced that we know the outcome.

In cognitive behavioral therapy, jumping to conclusions is a symptom of an underlying condition, such as panic disorder, anxiety or depression. It is intrinsically tied to negative thinking patterns, similar to overgeneralization and related cognitive distortions.

What Is Jumping to Conclusions?

Jumping to a conclusion is a phrase used to describe a situation in which someone leaps to a conclusion without sufficient information to justify it. There are many different ways people jump to conclusions, as well, including the following:

• Inference-Observation Confusion: In this situation, you infer something using logic, but mistake it for something that you observed physically. For instance, seeing someone wearing flashy jewelry and believing that person is very wealthy. The truth is that you simply observed them wearing jewelry, which made you believe that the person is wealthy.

• Casual Assumption: People rely on intuition, but it can lead to mistakes. For instance, you might assume that because someone is not smiling while you speak to them, they are angry at you, when in truth they are preoccupied with something else and their lack of a smile has nothing to do with you, personally.

• Reading Minds: Here, we assume that we know what someone else is thinking, usually in a negative sense, and generally tied to how they have acted in our presence. For example, if someone does not say reply when you say good morning, you might assume that they are thinking that they dislike you.

• Overgeneralization: Overgeneralization is often recognized as a cognitive distortion in its own right, but it can also play a role in jumping to conclusions. Here, you assume that because you experienced negative results from an action once, you will always experience negative results from that action. It is often accompanied by thoughts like “I can’t do anything right”, or feeling that no one likes you.

• Extreme Extrapolation: This one is similar to overgeneralization, and it involves taking a minor incident and extrapolating something major (and negative) from it. This is often worst-case scenario thinking.

• Fortune Telling: This form of jumping to conclusions means assuming you’ll know what is going to happen in the future. Someone who is fortune telling might assume they’re going to do a bad job on a project at work before they ever start.

• Labeling: Labeling means that someone makes assumptions about others based on opinions or behaviors stereotypically associated with a group they are not a part of. For instance, someone who engages in labeling might assume that their female friend doesn’t enjoy video games since they assume only men play games.

Keep in mind that overlap can be involved between types of jumping to conclusions. As an example, labeling is a form of overgeneralizing, and several forms of jumping to conclusions are also types of casual assumptions.

Examples of Jumping to Conclusions

To get a better understanding of how jumping to conclusions works, looking at a few examples of this way of thinking can help. Below are a few of the ways that someone might experience jumping to conclusions:

• Yoshi sends a text message to Carrie after a great first date. When she doesn’t instantly respond, he assumes she is no longer interested in seeing him.

• Dan has trouble with math and has an exam coming up. He assumes he’ll do terribly. That leads to him not studying since it seems there’s no point.

• Anyta walks into the office and her boss doesn’t smile at her. She assumes he is mad at her about something. She spends the morning thinking about what she might have done wrong.

• Emma is in front of several colleagues when she has a panic attack. She believes everyone who sees it will think badly of her due to having anxiety. She’s sure her boss will fire her if they find out about her anxiety.

In all of these examples, someone is jumping to conclusions. All the people assume that they know what is going to happen in the future or what other people are thinking about a situation.

How to Stop Jumping to Conclusions

While we all jump to conclusions from to time, for some of us, it is a set pattern of behavior, often tied to anxiety or panic disorder. However, there are ways to stop jumping to conclusions.

• Remember When You Were Wrong: One tip is to remember times when you jumped to the wrong conclusion. Could this one be similar?

• Slow Down and Think: Instead of going with whatever your immediate assumption is, stop yourself. Take time to consider the situation before you come to a conclusion.

• Consider the Facts: Before coming to a conclusion, make sure you get all the information you can find. This lets you consider a variety of factors before you make a decision or judge something.

• The Whole Picture: Do you see the whole picture? Do you have all the information to make an informed decision?

• Challenge Your Thinking: If you notice you are making assumptions, spend a moment challenging whatever conclusions came to you. Would there be some other explanation that would also fit?

• Ask Questions: When you find yourself making assumptions about someone else and what they think, practice simply asking them. Communicating to get an answer will prevent some of your confusion.

• Check the Evidence: What evidence do you have to support the conclusion you’re drawing? Are your thoughts based on facts or feelings?

• Step in Someone Else’s Shoes: Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and think about the conclusions they might draw. How would they interpret things? What information would they need to get the right conclusion?

Jumping to conclusions can lead to negative situations and thoughts. It is important to stop, think things through, and then make an informed decision. It is also important to treat the underlying panic, depression or anxiety disorder that leads to this type of pattern.

We tend to feel that our brains work in a logical, well-ordered manner. We believe things because they’re true. However, that is not always the case. Cognitive distortions, such as blaming, over-generalization, and jumping to conclusions all result in negative thinking. So challenging these cognitive distortions is a key aspect of cognitive behavioral therapy. “Control Fallacies” are one such way people’s distorted thinking can get the better of them.

What Are Control Fallacies?

Control fallacies are precisely that – fallacious beliefs about our control (or lack thereof) over a situation. There are two ways that these fallacies work:

• Hyper Control – In some situations, you may feel that you are so in control of everything that anything that goes wrong is inherently your fault. This is similar to personalization and leads to feeling that you have failed other people, and a deep sense of guilt. You may even feel responsible for other people’s behavior and thoughts and somehow believe that it has something to do with you.

• Out of Control – On the other end of the spectrum, we have a situation in which you feel completely out of control. In this situation, you feel that everything is outside of your control, or that you cannot have an impact on a situation, even though the truth is that you have control over many factors. In a way, you feel that you are a powerless victim of fate. It can lead to blaming others for situations where you had a degree of control, blaming luck for how things turned out, and focusing on other external forces you feel deserve the blame.

Who Is Most at Risk of Control Fallacies?

While many people can suffer from control fallacies, they most commonly affect individuals who suffer from depression, anxiety and panic disorders, and those who have abuse or trauma in their pasts.

How to Overcome Control Fallacies

While control fallacies can wreak havoc on your life, it is possible to exert a degree of control here. This applies to both types of distortion.

• Be Honest with Yourself – First, be honest with yourself about the level of control or responsibility involved. If you feel that it is your fault but you have no control over or responsibility here, realize that your brain is misinforming you. Likewise, if you feel that you have no control, but there are things within your control in the situation, such as poor quality of work in a rushed project, then take responsibility for those things.

• Question Yourself – Before deciding whether you are responsible or not, ask yourself a couple of questions. “Am I sure about this?” Use this opportunity to look deeper into the situation and determine where your responsibility lies. “Am I really sure about this?” Use this as a chance to reexamine the assumptions you’ve made or conclusions you have reached. Are they accurate and honest? Or are they informed by negative thinking, rather than facts?

In both types of control fallacy, understand that negative thinking is the cause. When you feel that you’re either being controlled by external forces, or you feel that everything is your responsibility, focus on your breathing and look more deeply into the situation.

By David Shepard

The last nine months have been quite an adjustment for everyone around the world. Forced isolation, worries about getting Coronavirus, increased depression and anxiety, job loss and death are among the numerous things we have had to deal with during this global pandemic. As California begins another Shelter in Place Order, it is important to reflect on how you can take care of yourself, so that you can go through this quarantine in a way that is healthy and beneficial for you.

Our bodies are a collection of systems that all work together to keep us functioning

Our bodies are a collection of systems that all work together to keep us functioning. If there is a problem with one system, it disrupts the whole system. So when looking at how you want to take care of yourself during the Shelter in Place Orders, you have to focus on both your physical system and your mental system.

Things that are important for your physical system to function well are

• to be mindful of what put in your body

• how you use your body

• listening to your body

• and caring for your body

Some examples of caring for you physical system include

• getting eight hours of sleep every night

• eating foods low in sugar, fat, and sodium

• drinking eight glasses of water

• and doing at least twenty minutes of physical exercise daily

Things that are important for your mental system include

• doing things you enjoy

• being present during daily activities

• connecting with people you care about

• setting and achieving goals

• having compassion for yourself and others

• and allowing yourself to experience both positive and negative emotions as they come

Some examples of caring for your mental system are

• walking around a park with a loved one

• practicing deep breathing exercises when you feel anxious

• remembering that things are temporary when feeling discouraged

• journaling when you’re over thinking

• drawing when you feel sad

• or taking a warm bath with music when you’re feeling stressed

Doing things that nurture both your physical and mental systems are the key to adjusting to another Shelter in Place Order.

If you are interested in getting support on how to stay happy and healthy during this second Shelter in Place Order, please contact us at Therapynowsf for your free consultation.

By David Shepard

With the devastating impact of coronavirus on the world, and the uncertainty of how long its adverse consequences will affect our lives, many people have developed increased anxiety. The worry and fears of possibly getting coronavirus every time you leave your house or come into contact with another person can be overwhelming. Continuous worries like this cause anxiety that can have a negative impact on your physical health and emotional health. So how can one reduce this anxiety while still living in a world plagued by coronavirus?

deep breathing exercises

One proven technique that has been shown to reduce anxiety is intentional deep breathing exercises.

In addition to anxiety, deep breathing exercises have been associated with meditation, mindfulness, praying, anger management and reduction of depression. The reason why deep breathing exercises are so good for anxiety is because this type of breathing stimulates our parasympathetic nervous system, which is the system in our body that promotes feelings of relaxation. Research has also shown that when practiced regularly, intentional deep breathing exercises lower cortisol levels, which relate to stress.

The great thing about intentional deep breathing exercises is that it’s free to do, you can do it anywhere, and you don’t need any equipment to do it. There are many different ways to do intentional deep breathing exercises. One way of doing intentional deep breathing is called box breathing.

box breathing

To do box breathing, you…

1. Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose for a count of four seconds.

2. Then you hold that air in for another four seconds.

3. Then you slowly exhale through your mouth for a count of four seconds.

4. You repeat this whole process again after four seconds, which makes this a square pattern.

To see a major impact of box breathing or intentional deep breathing in general, you have to practice it consistently.  Practicing box breathing one to two times a day will get results of reduced anxiety and stress.  Also, engaging in these exercises for five to ten minutes is ideal.

If you are interested in additional help tackling anxiety, please contact us at TherapyNowSF for your free consultation. 

By Cheryl Tien, M.S.

Regardless of your political beliefs, you may be experiencing some stress, worry, or anxiety as we approach election day on November 3rd. These feelings may be heightened with the current COVID-19 global pandemic. During these times, it’s important to be sure to pay attention to how your body is responding to what you are reading or seeing. Listed below are some tips to cope with your election-related stress.

1. Take media breaks. You might be feeling like you need to keep up with the news, especially with everything that we have happening in our communities right now. But remember that the news media’s goal is to shock and get strong reactions from us so that we keep watching. Consider taking breaks from watching or reading the news to give yourself a chance to process and calm down after taking it all in.
   

2. Try to focus on what you can control. Hearing any news can be stressful, but election news could feel particularly stressful. You may have feelings of losing control or hopelessness. Focusing on the things in your life that you can control will help reduce those feelings. These things don’t necessarily have to be election-related activities unless you want them to be. Is there a new hobby you’ve been thinking about picking up?  Doing something new or giving yourself other things to focus on will help distract you from the news.
   

3. Plan for how you’re spending election night. If you’re worried about election night, think about the kind of support you might want for that night. Do you want to be around your loved ones? Do a virtual election night party. Rather spend time with yourself but are worried you might be stressed out? Plan to practice lots of self-care that day. Have a bubble bath, do that face mask, or play those video games!
   

4. Plan a fun event for after election day. Having something to look forward to after the election will help you focus less on the election and more on other things happening in your life. Or it could just a planned election debrief you have with your support networks to help you process. Either way, it’s important to make sure you’re finding ways to take care of your self after the election.  

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

Most of us have used a mental filter in many areas of our lives. It may have been work, school, relationships, or even our own abilities. A mental filter is similar to overgeneralizing where you focus your attention on one negative piece of information and filter out everything else.

Examples of Mental Filters

• Can you think of a time where your romantic partner did something hurtful and then apologized and tried to make up for it, but you filtered out all the times when they have done nice things for you and focused on the one negative time?

• Or that time when your boss gave you a criticism and you only focused on that criticism, forgetting all the times where she told you positives about your performance.

So how do you deal with Mental Filters?

The first step is noticing that you are doing it. By being able to say to yourself, “I’m filtering out all the positives and just focusing on this one negative thing”. Then remind yourself of the positives to balance out your thinking.

access this link to read the complete article at www.sfist.com:

With Unhealthy Air Conditions Hanging Over San Francisco, Residents Struggle With Their Mental Health — Isolated Indoors

By Pooja Mamidanna, AMFT

Note: Artist Unknown

I would like to provide some education on the importance of how seeking happiness first begins with you and then amongst your larger community.

As human beings, we often seek most of our happiness from external objects (friendships, relationships, family, materialistic goods, etc.) 

Human beings are definitely relational beings, we crave that emotional connection. However, due to our cultural upbringing, attachment styles can be varied. If we did not receive the attachment we required during our childhood; this can cause a lot of interpersonal/intrapersonal stressors throughout our lifespan. As we try to navigate our lives in our relationships, these attachment issues that have not been worked through show up in different areas of our lives.

To find happiness and work through this, it is important to understand that self-love and happiness can be two sides of the same coin. It first begins with YOU, then it begins seeking this through other mediums. The greatest relationship you must have first is with yourself. Only when one spends time alone and is able to find their happiness within, will everything else fall into place. 

The problem of seeking happiness from external objects is, we tend to have a lot of “expectations” from others. When these expectations are not met, we start to project our emotions in these relationships and we are left with disappointment.

Furthermore, as a society, there are a lot of cultural factors that can come in the way of seeking our own happiness (such as our religious, ethnic, and cultural norms).

Therefore, it is important to assess/reflect:

1.)   How can you start taking care of yourself and loving yourself?

2.)   How can you begin to depend on yourself?

3.)   How can you manage the expectations and irrational thoughts we hold on others?

4.)   How can we have better personal boundaries with all domains in our life?

If you are struggling with this and can relate, psychotherapy would be a good place to start as well as reading literature and books.

You can also, look up the website (therapistaid.com) there are plenty of resources there that are easy to read and can help you begin thinking and working on this.