The Fallacy of Change and the Pursuit of Happiness

We have all encountered people in our lives whom we believed needed to change their behaviors, ways of thinking, or beliefs. In some cases, that change is necessary for the betterment of that specific individual. However, in some cases, people may believe that others must change for themselves to be happy. This is called the Fallacy of Change and is one of many cognitive distortions addressed by cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

The Question of Change and Seeking Happiness

Change and happiness often go hand in hand. For instance, when you pursue personal development through yoga, meditation, or mindfulness practice, you change old ways of thinking and approaching the world. The result is personal growth and improved happiness. Those who fall victim to the fallacy of change, on the other hand, focus on forcing others to change to support their happiness, and often find that the result is not what they believed it would be.

For instance, one spouse might ask another not to wear their favorite T-shirt simply because the other spouse does not like it. This is a simplistic example, but it serves to highlight how innocuous some of these beliefs can be. A more serious example: a boyfriend believes that his girlfriend is perfect in almost every way, but she can sometimes nag. In his belief that eliminating her nagging would result in his happiness, he tries to force her to change. The result is that both of them ultimately become unhappy.

Another example is a girl who is attracted to “bad boys”. It is not because she finds the boy physically attractive, although that may be true, but that she believes she can “fix” him and make him over in the image of her own desires or what she believes is “good”.

There are many different problems with this cognitive distortion. Perhaps the most significant is that the individual forcing the change believes that their happiness entirely rests on the other person in some way. They fail to realize that their happiness stems from within themselves, thinking instead that some outside force will eventually make them happy.

Ultimately, both the person attempting to force change and the one being forced to change experience unhappiness. The person being forced to change may feel anger or resentment. The person forcing the change usually finds that even if the other individual complies with their wishes, happiness is elusive. The fact that the desired change is usually forced through pressure or cajoling further complicates the situation. Eventually, the negative emotions that the fallacy of change induces will also affect the situation, perhaps even driving a wedge between two people in a relationship.

How to Overcome the Fallacy of Change

The most important step to overcoming this cognitive distortion is to realize that our happiness does not depend on other people. We are responsible for our own happiness – it’s an inside job. Happiness due to external factors (such as someone doing what you want) will only create a temporary sense of satisfaction that soon fades away.