The Fallacy of Fairness: An Overview of This Cognitive Distortion

Updated July 25, 2023

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

"Life isn’t fair." We've all heard this saying countless times, but for many people, its truth hasn't really been absorbed. Some firmly believe that life should—and can—be fair, and when confronted with the harsh reality, they grapple with distress and disappointment. This struggle, identified in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), is known as a cognitive distortion, specifically the fallacy of fairness.

What Is the Fallacy of Fairness?

The Fallacy of Fairness is a cognitive distortion where people apply rigid societal norms of fairness to personal interactions, leading to frustration when outcomes don’t meet their expectations of fairness. The society we live in is governed by explicit conventions and rules—laws and regulations. These rules are black and white, cut and dry. However, complications arise when individuals attempt to apply these unequivocal societal norms to their personal interactions. The trouble lies in the fact that two people will rarely, if ever, agree entirely on what "fair" means within the context of their relationship. Perceived unfairness invariably emerges when outcomes seem to favor someone else over us. It's crucial to understand that fairness is not an objective, universally agreed-upon principle—it's subjective and varies from person to person.

The Fallacy of Fairness and Heaven's Reward Fallacy: A Comparison

A closely related cognitive distortion to the fallacy of fairness is the Heaven's Reward Fallacy. This fallacy embodies the belief that one's struggles, sacrifices, and selflessness will eventually be rewarded, just as in many moral and religious teachings. However, life doesn't necessarily operate this way, leading to disappointment and frustration.

Consider Sarah, a diligent worker who consistently stays late to finish her tasks, forgoing personal time and relaxation. She operates under the Heaven's Reward Fallacy, believing that her sacrifice will be recognized and rewarded with a promotion or a raise. When a colleague, who leaves on time or even a little early at the end of each workday, gets the promotion instead, Sarah feels a profound sense of unfairness. The reality, however, is that promotions are often based on various factors, not just the number of hours worked. Sarah's belief in an ultimate fair reward sets her up for disappointment.

What Do We Perceive as Fair?

Our sense of fairness, like all our other notions, is shaped by our perception of reality. However, all perceptions are, by their nature, somewhat skewed, so objective fairness can't truly be perceived by an individual. When reality contradicts what we perceive to be fair, it triggers a cascade of negative emotions, including anger, hurt, fear, a sense of rejection, and more.

Let's consider the case of Tom and Annie, a newlywed couple. Annie expects Tom to work at his job and also contribute to household chores because that was her experience growing up—both her parents worked, and both contributed to household duties. On the other hand, Tom grew up in a household where only one parent worked, while the other managed the house.

Annie frequently feels frustrated and angry due to what she perceives as Tom's indifference to what she considers a mutual responsibility. Tom, for his part, feels perplexed by Annie's expectations and does not understand why he should work at his job all day, only to come home and work some more. Both Tom and Annie feel that they are being treated unfairly, but the reality is neither fair nor unfair—it simply is. Their individual perceptions of fairness, shaped by their unique past experiences, highlight the subjective nature of fairness.

How to Overcome the Fallacy of Fairness: Expanded Insight

Tackling the fallacy of fairness involves a two-fold approach—adjusting our thought patterns and understanding that fairness is not a universal absolute. Our personal experiences and backgrounds significantly shape our sense of fairness, and these experiences might not apply to everyone else. Hence, their sense of fairness will differ from ours.

It's important to first recognize and challenge our automatic thoughts about what's fair and unfair. Are these thoughts based on objective evidence, or are they shaped by personal experiences and emotions? Are we jumping to conclusions without considering the other person's perspective? Awareness, recognition, and self-questioning can be powerful first steps in overcoming this fallacy.

Moreover, effective communication plays a crucial role. This involves expressing our expectations clearly, listening to the other person's viewpoint, and trying to understand their perspective. This communication process fosters empathy and understanding.

Finally, it's essential to seek compromise rather than an absolute sense of personal fairness. It involves working collaboratively to reach an agreement that may not seem entirely fair to either party but is more equitable when considering everyone's perspectives. This approach fosters healthier, more balanced relationships, helping us overcome the fallacy of fairness.

In sum, the fallacy of fairness can be a significant source of distress and conflict in our personal and professional lives. However, by recognizing this cognitive distortion, challenging our perceptions, and fostering effective communication and compromise, we can navigate this fallacy and foster healthier and more satisfying relationships.