Burnout is a serious condition that can get worse if left alone. However, conversely, it’s hard to handle burnout because it’s hard to determine if you are suffering from burnout. (Although, two years into the Coronavirus pandemic, it’s pretty likely that you’re suffering from burnout, even if you may not know it yet.)

Burnout can be an insidious situation that can grow worse and worse until you aren’t even aware of how bad it’s become. Burnout tends to crop up as signs of depression, irritability, listlessness, feelings of worthlessness, and an increasing lack of patience.

Luckily, if you know – or suspect – that you’re dealing with burnout, there are ways to try and get your life back on track.

What to Do About Burnout?

Keep in mind the following factors to ensure that you can have a positive handle on your burnout and nip it in the bud as quickly as possible.

Recognize That You’re Suffering From Burnout

This may seem obvious, but the first step of handling your burnout is to recognize that you’re suffering from your burnout. Check out our list of burnout signs/symptoms and see if any of them match up with how you’re feeling. From there, use that comparison to see how likely it is that you’re dealing with burnout.

Find What Is Causing the Burnout

In many burnout cases, there is usually an underlying cause or source that is highlighting your feelings of burnout. For many, work is a cause of distress and burnout, so examine your life to see if particular sources are at root of your feelings of burnout.

Make Changes

Once you’ve determined what is most likely causing your burnout, you’ll have a much better idea about what you can change to make it all more manageable. Do what you can to lighten your load or otherwise lessen what you have to do to keep you from being overwhelmed – getting a handle on your priorities can lessen your stress and give you some relaxing breathing room.

Set Boundaries

Overextending yourself or working beyond your means is one of the quickest ways to find yourself feeling burnout. As such, knowing your limits and refusing to strain yourself beyond them is a great way to avoid burnout. Be firm with yourself about what you can and can’t do and be equally firm about setting limits regarding how much time you can commit to others’ needs in place of your own.

Talk to People/Consider Therapy

Knowing that you’re experiencing burnout and having ideas for how to feel more relaxed and in control are all well and good, but it can help to unload your burdens onto others as well. If you’re not sure where to start, reaching out to others whom you trust.

Takeaway

Burnout can be hard to get a handle on, and it can be even harder to recognize as a problem. However, once you realize that it’s not just you, you can try the tactics mentioned in this blog and start getting your feelings of burnout under control.

What Is Imposter Syndrome?

Imposter syndrome is a term that gained prominence in the 1970s. It’s the term used to describe the phenomenon of internally feeling as if you aren’t as competent or amazing as others might believe you are. It has been linked to issues with achievement, intelligence, social cues, and even perfectionism. Another way to look at it is that if you suffer from imposter syndrome, you’ll feel like a fraud/fake/phony, or as if you have only achieved the things you’ve achieved in your life because of dumb luck or riding on others’ coattails.

Imposter syndrome can come for everyone, no matter their work experience, skill level, schooling experience, or financial or social status.

Imposter Syndrome Signs

There are common signs that you might be suffering from imposter syndrome, so read on to see if any of these fit with how you’re feeling:

Can’t Judge Your Abilities Accurately

If you find that you’re the type of person who consistently minimizes your skills, it might be that you’re not accurately judging your abilities. To look at it another way, let’s say that you have 20 years of experience in marketing… yet when someone asks about your abilities, you – earnestly – claim that you are not as skilled as your 20 years of experience would otherwise prove.

Think You’ve Only Succeeded Due to Luck

Let’s refer back to that earlier phenomenon where despite your 20 years of experience, you doubt your ability to succeed in your profession of marketing. Part of why you might feel this way is because you believe that every success you’ve found in your life is only due to external factors beyond your control. To look at it another way, you may only believe that you’ve received any success in your life because you’ve been lucky a few times.

Despite there being evidence to the contrary, you may only believe that your successes in life are due to the actions of others, or despite the actions you’ve taken. If you think back on what you’ve accomplished in life and find yourself automatically discounting your efforts, you might be suffering from imposter syndrome.

Constantly Thinking About What to Do Better (Even When You’re Winning)

Another main sign of imposter syndrome is feeling as if you can always be doing better than you currently are. Even if you’re successful, able to pay your bills, due for a promotion at work, and have a loving partner at home… there’s always that thought in the back of your brain that says you can always do more or always do better.

Consequences of Imposter Syndrome

There are a few individuals who can find their motivation bolstered by imposter syndrome, but for many, imposter syndrome will only leave them with constant anxiety and a constant feeling that they’ll never be good enough. This feeling drives many people to overwork themselves, push aside signs of burnout and a lack of mental wellness, and otherwise be too hard on themselves to live a healthy life.

Additionally, imposter syndrome isn’t a one-and-done sort of experience. Just because you succeed at something once doesn’t mean that your imposter syndrome will go away. In truth, you’ll likely double down after a success – due to that feeling of luck and unworthiness – and start the vicious cycle anew. Anxiety, depression, and feelings of isolation are likely to follow when one is experiencing imposter syndrome.

If these feelings are resonating with you, talk to your therapist or get in touch with us.

If you’re a person living in this world of 2022, you are likely feeling burnout. The past two years have felt extremely untenable, and there has been very little time to decompress or recover from all the curveballs the world has thrown at everyone.

If you don’t believe that you could possibly be suffering burnout, then read on to learn about various signs that point to burnout to see if any of them sound familiar to what you’re dealing with.

Signs to Look For

More Prone to Headaches

If you find that headaches seem to be accosting you at every turn, no matter what you do, it might be a sign of burnout.

You Feel Worthless

If you’re feeling that nothing you’re doing is worth anything, or that you’re not being effective when you do try things, you might be suffering from burnout. This is an extremely common sign of burnout, so if you’re feeling listless or feel as if there’s no point in what you’re doing, see if it’s related to a feeling of burnout.

Pessimism

If you find that you’ve become extremely pessimistic or cynical in your daily life – especially around things that used to give you extreme amounts of joy – it might be that you can’t muster up the energy to handle anything with positivity. This is another common sign of burnout.

Exhaustion

If you find that you’re constantly tired, no matter how much relaxation and sleep you’re getting, you might be suffering from burnout. Physical or emotional distress and fatigue both count towards this exhaustion, so if you’re finding that it’s hard to get out of bed in the mornings, then it might be burnout at play.

Trouble Sleeping

If you are finding that you’re having trouble sleeping, and you can’t figure out any rhyme or reason behind your troubles, it might be that you’re experiencing burnout. You might think that burnout would make you want to sleep more, but you’ll find that, even if you’re sleeping more (a common sign of depression), you just don’t feel rested.

Depression

Feeling depressed – whether you have a history of depression or otherwise – is a common sign of burnout. Research has shown that if you suffer from depression, you might also suffer more easily from burnout; the two sometimes go hand in hand.

Irritability

Similar to pessimism, if you find that things are getting under your skin more easily, it might be a sign of burnout. Take note if you find that things you were previously able to brush off now feel as if they’re the last straw in your life – if your temper is shorter than usual, it might point to burnout.

Easily Distracted

If focus just isn’t in it for you anymore, you might be experiencing burnout. Being easily distracted is a big sign that plays into not being able to pay attention and also into a feeling of worthlessness. The worthlessness leads to distraction, which cycles back into the worthlessness (since you’re not being productive) and vice versa.

Takeaway

By now, you’ve likely determined if any of the symptoms listed in this blog are familiar or not. Know that there’s no shame in suffering from burnout – just make sure to take care of yourself and allow yourself to decompress when necessary, so that you can stay fighting fit!

Faulty thinking comes in a variety of forms. Self-serving bias is one of those forms. This form of faulty thinking affects the way someone functions both in personal situations and in society as a whole.

Self-serving bias is one of several identified cognitive distortions. Understanding cognitive distortions and understanding self-serving bias is the beginning of changing the behaviors.

Once you understand what each of those is, cognitive behavioral therapy might make sense.

Defining Cognitive Distortions

Inherently negative thoughts that are based on false beliefs are called cognitive distortions. Everyone experiences a negative thought pattern on occasion. When those thought patterns become routine, they have the potential to become harmful to a person’s overall mental health.

Several harmful thought patterns qualify as cognitive distortions. Self-serving bias is one of those thought patterns. Many people experience this kind of cognitive distortion, but not all of them remain hampered by the thinking.

What does self-serving bias look like up close?

Defining Self-Serving Bias

Do you know someone who always takes the credit when good things happen, but something negative is never their fault? They will blame other people, animals, acts of nature, anything but themselves for their mistakes or shortcomings. This is called self-serving bias.

Many people exhibit this kind of behavior in their teen years or during their early college days. Forgetting a project or doing poorly on a test often gets blamed on the teacher or a study partner. However, a good grade means they were successful on their own.

Typically, as people age and mature, this bias changes. For some, though, it doesn’t. Those people are the ones who may need assistance retraining their thought processes to eliminate this faulty thinking pattern.

Self-serving bias hampers the way people learn from mistakes and cope with adversity. When they view all mistakes as someone else’s responsibility, they are likely to repeat the negative patterns of behavior. This bias can be harmful to interpersonal relationships as well as societal conduct.

As with other cognitive distortions, self-serving bias affects multiple aspects of life. Consistent negative thought patterns affect self-concept as well as the way people interact with others. This particular distortion affects how people view mistakes and whether they actually learn from them.

Defining Cognitive Behavior Therapy

Cognitive behavior therapy is a therapy technique that uses goal-oriented therapy to recognize the presence of cognitive distortions. After the distortions are identified, thoughts are reframed and reconstructed. The plan is to correct negative thought patterns and create healthier ones.

Because this kind of therapy is goal-oriented, it takes a specified amount of time to implement. Don’t expect instantaneous results. Negative thought patterns develop over time, and the positive or more rational ones will take time to develop as well.

Final Thoughts

Self-serving bias is relatively common. Many people have the habit of blaming failures on anything other than themselves. If these patterns continue, there could be issues with personal relationships and with functioning in society. Cognitive behavior therapy can be used to help retrain these thought patterns.

When you deal with problems in life, you develop a variety of coping mechanisms. Some of them are healthy while others can cause you additional issues. Everyone has the occasional negative thought.

However, when those negative thoughts become the norm, it can lead to a cognitive distortion.

There are several forms of cognitive distortions. Therapists utilize cognitive behavior therapy to help retrain their clients minds and teach them to adjust their thinking. One form of cognitive distortion that cognitive behavior therapy can treat is fortune telling. Before we look specifically at fortune telling, let’s define cognitive distortions a little better.

What Is A Cognitive Distortion?

Cognitive distortions are negative thought patterns that give you a skewed perception of reality. These are coping mechanisms that people develop when they face hard times in life. The more severe or lengthy the time of hardship, the greater the chance of developing cognitive distortions.

When negative thoughts become a habitual way of coping with adverse situations, you start to believe things that aren’t factual. Your mind adapts to this negative thought pattern. This is the essence of a cognitive distortion. One such cognitive distortion is fortune telling.

What Is Fortune Telling?

When you think of fortune telling, you may think of the lady at the fair who is peering into a crystal ball. While that is a fun-and-games scenario of looking into the future, the cognitive distortion by the same name is quite serious. In this way of thinking, you are convinced that you know what will happen without having all of the information.

Everyone experiences a bout of fortune telling behavior on occasion. It’s easy to jump to a conclusion on a bad day. It becomes a problem when every scenario has a negative outcome in your head, and you haven’t taken the time to gather all of the facts.

Fortune telling behavior happens more often when someone is anxious or depressed. Those disorders keep you feeling on edge. Feeling nervous or extremely sad allows negative thoughts about yourself or your situation to enter your mind. You begin to predict what will happen and can’t be convinced that you are incorrect.

Fortune telling behavior can affect the relationships you have with others. If even one thing is different than what you expect, you can begin to tell yourself that the friendship won’t last. You will begin to make choices based on what you think will happen instead of based on actual events.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy

One way to help adjust the negative thinking that causes fortune telling is cognitive behavior therapy. This type of therapy helps you not only recognize the harmful thoughts but also to begin having more healthy thought patterns. This therapy doesn’t have instantaneous results. It’s goals-driven and tends to take a specified time frame.

Final Thoughts

Fortune telling predicts the future based on faulty thinking. Everyone can exhibit this behavior at times, but it becomes a problem when it’s a constant pattern. Cognitive behavior therapy can be beneficial in changing these thought patterns.

You just got a big promotion at work, but you think your boss has made a mistake by giving it to you. You win a prestigious community award, but you think it was a fluke and should have been given to someone else. That blue ribbon? It should have gone to your neighbor instead.

If this sounds familiar, then you may have fallen into the way of thinking known as discounting the positive. Everyone says they were “just lucky” now and again. If that thinking has become a pattern, you should be aware of the habit and take steps to replace this cognitive distortion.

Cognitive Distortions Defined

A cognitive distortion is a negative thought pattern that becomes habitual. These patterns inform your behavior as well as your self-concept. These thoughts are detrimental to you because they aren’t based on truth.

Therapists have identified multiple forms of cognitive distortions. One of these is Discounting the Positive. How do you know if you’re having a bad day, or you’ve entered the realm of cognitively distorted thinking?

What Does Discounting the Positive Mean?

If you’ve ever said, “Oh, that was just luck,” you’ve discounted the positive. Discounting the positive means you don’t take credit for the good things you’ve earned or achieved in your life. You think it’s just a wild coincidence that something good happened.

Everyone has credited luck with something good happening on occasion. The issue comes when it is a habit. If you habitually say you don’t deserve the things you have or that you didn’t earn your position or your awards, you have slipped into a cognitive distortion pattern.

When you use this kind of thinking you don’t expect good things to happen again. Your confidence in your abilities is shattered because you don’t believe you deserve the good things that have happened. You don’t recognize your own capabilities. You view everything as a fluke.

A person who doesn’t recognize the positive accomplishments in life is often highly self-critical. Their self-esteem is dramatically damaged by their own negative thinking. It reaches a point, if unchecked, where the person refuses to even consider the possibility of a positive outcome.

Can Anything Help?

As with other cognitive distortions, there has been some success with using cognitive behavior therapy as a treatment for discounting the positive. The point of cognitive behavior therapy is identifying negative patterns and then replacing them with new thought patterns.

This goal-oriented therapy is not an instant solution. It takes time to restructure thoughts so that they are no longer harmful to your mental health. Developing unhealthy thought patterns didn’t happen instantaneously, so neither will correcting them.

Final Thoughts

There are a variety of cognitive distortions that have been identified. One of them is known as discounting the positive. If you always view good events in your life as nothing more than luck, you may have fallen into this thought pattern. Recognizing and retraining these negative patterns is a goal of cognitive behavior therapy.

There are many types of cognitive distortions that people struggle with. Knowing the name and signs of something can help you avoid these patterns in yourself or understand and help if a loved one is struggling.

Magnifying is one of these types of distortions. When someone magnifies a situation, they evaluate it in a way that makes the situation a much bigger deal than it is, which causes them to react to that situation or the people involved in ways that cause further problems.

Imagine looking at something with a pair of binoculars, or zooming into a photo so that you can only see one small portion of it up close. When you do this, all the imperfections show even more, and the picture might even begin to blur. You can no longer see everything around the image, which could be important to understand the whole picture.

Magnifying affects the context in which you view the situation. When you magnify, you focus on one part of a situation (usually a problematic one), and all of the possible effects take control in your mind.

For example, imagine that you go to the grocery store for a family member’s favorite dinner dish on their birthday. The store is out of that particular ingredient and you imagine having to cook without it, which will ruin the dish, which will then cause the birthday person to cry/throw a fit/make rude comments, which will create further arguments that will cause rifts in the family for months. This is magnification.

How to Avoid Magnification

Remember that every thought that comes into our minds does not have to be one that we hold on to. Even if our initial thoughts jump to magnification, we can acknowledge the thought and then bring up other possibilities. Try to imagine someone else in the situation and what they might do, or what you would say to a loved one who is struggling with the same problem you are thinking about. Stepping out of your box and into another person’s shoes can often help us see things from a different perspective.

It's okay to have negative thoughts. However, you can re-train your brain to not let these thoughts take over and to focus on the positive instead. Use a gratitude journal to write down at least three good things a day. When our brain focuses on the negative, it will seek out the negative. When it focuses on the positive—on blessings, joys, affirmations, and good feelings—it will learn to look for these things and desire the good effects that come from them.

What to Do if You or Someone You Love Is Struggling

Always take mental health and cognitive distortions seriously. If it seems that your life or the life of someone you know is being negatively impacted by magnifying or another cognitive distortion, reach out to your mental health provider or to your primary care manager for a referral. It’s okay and important to ask for help and it can prevent more serious issues down the road.

There are many cognitive distortions that you or people in your life might be dealing with. These cognitive distortions can bring struggle and strife to conversations, relationships, and development. Understanding these distortions, how you can relive them, and the reasons for them can prevent unnecessary conflict and begin healing early on before more serious problems arise.

One of the most common cognitive distortions is called minimizing. This happens when someone takes a situation and “brushes it off” or ignores it because they think that others are out to get them or simply don’t understand. Often, people who minimize do not want to take ownership of a situation or want to stay stuck in their negative behavior patterns. They inevitably minimize another person’s thoughts or feelings regarding certain actions, words, or relationship patterns.

Minimizing can also happen when someone refuses to see the positive in themselves. If they do well they might think that it was a fluke and they wouldn’t be able to replicate the situation, or if they receive a compliment they will tell themselves that the compliment-giver was “just being nice” and didn’t mean it.

People who minimize situations can be helped by learning to see the opposite—often more positive—side of something.

For example, if a person fails a test that they worked hard to study for, they might say to themselves, “That test wasn’t important anyway and the class and professor were just out to get me. I don’t need to worry about it and I’ll just quit the class.” A healthier thinking pattern would go more along the lines of, “Wow, maybe I didn’t understand the material as well as I thought. I can ask for some extra help or resources outside of class and I know I’ll be able to try again on the next assessment.”

Re-train Your Brain

The brain is a muscle that can be exercised to think in certain ways. If you are constantly thinking of and concentrating on the negative aspects of things, then the brain will seek those out and learn to only focus on the negative.

However, the opposite is also true. You don’t need to ignore negative thoughts, but you can acknowledge them and then actively look for the positive. Turn a situation around and look for the silver lining or how a struggle can turn into something good. If you focus your mind on the good things in life—and assure yourself that they are there—your brain will learn to seek out those good things and reap the benefits.

Mental health professionals often remind their clients that if they are struggling with minimizing (or its counterpart, magnifying), that the problem is not with them as an individual. They can help their client understand the feeling by referring to looking at a situation through an altered lens, which, if removed, can help the person see something more clearly.

Don’t Forget

If you or a loved one struggle with minimizing, practice turning a situation around and looking at the other side. Remember, too, that seeking out the help of a mental health professional almost always has benefits that can prevent further problems down the road.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “nothing is ever black and white.” This definitely holds true in the world at large, especially when dealing with humans, relationships, and emotions. This article will detail what black and white thinking is, what causes it, and the types of problems it can cause, as well as resources to get yourself into a more flexible way of thinking.

Definition

Black and white thinking is a phrase for when someone thinks or feels in absolutes. A situation is either right or wrong, good or bad, and there is no in-between. Many mental health professionals feel that this thinking pattern is a cognitive distortion because although certain situations do necessarily call for definitive decisions, the world generally doesn’t work in such a “one or the other” way.

Causes

Black and white thinking could be the cause of another mental health struggle or personality disorder. There are three conditions often associated with black and white thinking.

Narcissism

Narcissism is a personality disorder in which someone believes that who they are, what they think, and what they believe is the end all and be all, and that anyone who goes against them is wrong. Their only interest is themselves, which is why the name for this condition stems from the Greek myth of Narcissus, who fell in love with his reflection in a pool and thus drowned trying to attain the reflection’s love.

Anxiety/Depression

People struggling with anxiety and/or depression often think that change or positive possibilities to solutions are non-existent or impossible.

Borderline Personality Disorder

This disorder can often be accompanied by overpowering feelings of anger, anxiousness, or extreme sadness that the person feels they cannot overcome. People suffering from borderline personality disorder often think in absolutes.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Commonly referred to as OCD, people who suffer from this sometimes find comfort or consistency in black and white thinking. Instead of feeling rigid, as others might see it, this gives them a feeling of control.

Effects of Black and White Thinking

Depending on where this type of thinking stems from, it can affect different parts of your life.

Relationships

When most of us can look at a situation and see both sides, or know that there are gray areas, it can be difficult to have a conversation or relationship with someone who can only see things one way or another.

Education

When learning experiences are qualified as passing or failing, a person who thinks in black and white might then qualify themselves as good or bad, a success or a failure.

Job Possibilities

Most jobs require compromise with colleagues and critical or creative writing for problem solving. Black and white thinking can create rigidity which does not fare well for a shared work situation.

Eating Habits

Black and white thinking can cause people to also view foods as good or bad, which can create a lot of anxiety regarding food choices and an unhealthy view of nourishment.

How to Reframe Your Thinking

Black and white thinking can be unlearned. Reframe your mindset into a “growth mindset,” which allows for flexibility and change. Challenge yourself to see the other side of a situation. Try to avoid using words such as ‘always’ or ‘never.’ Watch for changes in the world around you and try to see where change can be beneficial or where it has not caused catastrophe. Learn to ask for help and know that being able to accept the fluidity of the world can actually make things easier to deal with. It’s okay to not be in control of everything.

The crease on my forehead was the first age line to set itself. Years of post-traumatic anxiety and anger, and unawareness — being oblivious to the furrowing brow line — formed a crease that might only be smoothed by an injection of onabotulinum toxin A (Botox). Today, the muscles that form a frown are engaged but not contracting. This muscle tension defines a part of a sensory imprint for grief.

Since late August, each morning I have awakened unmotivated. Dysthymic. The dysthymia is reminiscent of 9/11’s ten-year anniversary — the year I started going to therapy. This decennial is much harder than the one during which I was in denial. On a walk today, a memory returned. Then my heart cavity filled with pain at the thought of a thousand hurting families missing their loved ones as the 9/11 anniversary nears. I did not lose anyone I knew personally, but I grieve, unable to forget September 11, 2001 and memorable moments that followed.

A New York Times article this week proudly explained why we heed to “Never Forget” while it unabashedly highlighted how memory fails. It made no mention of trauma, the kind of stress that causes its bearer to never forget. For those who were traumatized, who saw death before them or lost a loved one to death, the reminder minimizes their pain. We cannot forget.

My traumatic memories of that day make me a vessel for the feelings of thousands of people who are missing those who were lost. Did you call Brooklyn Hospital that night? Then you might have spoken to me. I wanted to tell you your loved one was gone, that I saw the destruction and no one could survive it. Instead I gave you another phone number to call, or I said, “I’m sorry. That person isn’t here.”

Images of the burning towers no longer haunt me. I am no longer anxious, no longer hypervigilant, and no longer easily startled. I no longer panic in benign situations and rarely have nightmares if at all. I can think of the bodies that fell and be completely calm. But thinking of the people who called Brooklyn Hospital, I am a hot mess.

That Times article had an image of names engraved in the memorial at the World Trade Center plaza. Takashi Makimoto was at the center of that photo. His was one of the names the president of Fuji Bank read to me at 3:30 in the morning as he grieved out loud in Japanese custom. I remember thinking that moment, “I know a Takashi.” A few weeks later, a picture of him, or maybe his co-worker, was posted on a bulletin board outside of a Manhattan hospital. Some months later, a customer at the bar I tended told his own survival story: Everyone was coming down the elevators from Tower 2; a group of Japanese businessmen entered the elevator bank; a Port Authority worker told everyone to go back upstairs; my customer refused and escaped; the businessmen went back upstairs.

While I write this, I have a pain in my chest, like a piece of my heart chipped away and flowed into my left arm. But I have no obvious emotion. The tears were cried earlier today during therapy. The grief comes in waves, which are more frequent as the day arrives but less intense.

In Wisconsin, a new 9/11 memorial is ready for the public to visit. But in San Francisco, memorials consist of social (fun) activities: meal packing for a food bank, beach cleanup, and a workout event. The closest ceremonial gathering is at least an hour’s drive from the city. Despite the Bay Area’s casualties from Flight 93, the anniversary is devoid of solemnity in San Francisco culture, and people who are hurting like me are alienated. Then again, why do we spend so much time remembering the dead? They don’t feel emotions like we do, who are alive, because the dead don’t have their bodies to hold them.

In Bay Area culture, “Never forget” is not said nor seen enough. I feel for the families in the Bay Area who grieve, who remember each September 11 with the pain of loss. I feel for the families and colleagues of the thousands of others lost that day. I feel for them because I connected with some of them in their despair, on the phone. We remain connected through remembrance with memories seared by trauma, like a hot iron brand on our hearts. 

Because some forget, there are gaping voids of disconnection that make empathy impossible. Though, not forgetting is not enough. We must also understand the depth and intensity of the pain of loss, and then embrace the hope that healing provides. If we all had this understanding, the pandemic would be a less impactful conundrum.

Emotions connect us. When we acknowledge the connection between ourselves and nurture it, the connection becomes a bond. When we don’t acknowledge the connection, we wither, become depressed, anxious, sometimes angry, or something else miserable. We must allow this anniversary to remind us of the power of this connection and the strength of a bond. We need not only to not forget but also to raise our empathy and grow in our humanity. Those of us who cannot forget are otherwise isolated, and as a whole culture we are weaker as a result. Without connecting to those who cannot forget but continue to grieve their losses —and let’s not forget those who suffer social injustices — we as a country cannot have the integrity we need to be strong.

Remember 9/11. But don’t just remember those who died. Also understand the many levels of trauma that people experienced and continue to experience, and the lessons they learned. Never forget, because some cannot.

Updated October 25, 2024
By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

A “should statement” is a type of negative thinking pattern that can cause feelings of doubt and fear in a person. These types of statements are a form of cognitive distortion, and they can create a binary set of conditions or options in a person’s perception that can be unhealthy. These types of statements often make you feel guilty about something you have or haven’t done. They can make you feel as if you have failed.

The way a person thinks will play a huge role in how they feel. Negative thinking and should statements often cause people to develop stress and could manifest other mental health conditions. Some of the other words that are associated with these types of statements include “must” and “ought”.

People who have anxiety and/or depression will often use these types of statements when they are describing things that are happening in their lives, or when describing themselves. They feel that they should or must do or not do something. When they fail or fail to act, it can cause you to take a more negative and pessimistic view of your life. Others might find that the use of these types of statements can cause increased anxiety, as well as avoidance behaviors.

Examples of Should Statements

These types of statements can crop up nearly anywhere in your life. Let’s look at a few examples.

• I must lose weight to look better

• I ought to call the plumber

• I should call my family more

• He should’ve called me back

Although these statements might seem innocuous to some, they have dangerous potential. They are negative ways of thinking about things and they can often make a person feel frustrated when they don’t do or achieve what they put in their should statements.

Reframe the Should Statements

It can be difficult to break away from using these types of statements. Often, they become commonplace in a person’s life. You might not even realize that you are doing this to yourself. Take some time to think about the words you say out loud or that you think to yourself. You might find that you are using these should statements more often than you imagined. Fortunately, you can do something about it.

You will want to reframe the statements. First, though, don’t be too hard on yourself if you continue to think about and have these types of statements for a while. It’s hard to break habits. When you notice yourself using these statements, write them down. Look at what the statement is saying about yourself and think of the emotions that you are hoping to control with that statement. Consider why you are putting pressure on yourself with the statement.

Once you have a better understanding of it, you can then reframe and reword it so that you can swap out the “should” thoughts with others that are more realistic. You could say “I would like to lose weight and am working hard toward that goal in ways that are achievable for me” rather than using negative language. Do your best to not allow should statements or other negative thinking to dictate your life.

Although it would be an interesting power to have, people are not capable of reading the minds of others. When discussing mind reading in the field of psychology and psychiatry, we’re talking about the attempt to figure out what is happening in someone else’s mind without asking them what they are thinking.

Although it is possible to read certain cues that can help to understand someone’s mood in certain cases, it is not foolproof and it can often cause more problems than it helps. Often, it can act as a barrier when it comes to being empathetic and truly understanding. If you assume that you know what’s happening in another person’s mind, it can lead to miscommunication. It can also make you feel like you don’t need to ask them, which can cause you to make mistakes in the way you judge and interact with people.

Mind Reading Mistakes

Mind reading mishaps often occur in relationships. These could be friendships, work partnerships, or romantic partnerships.

For example, let’s say that a friend doesn’t invite you to go out to a restaurant because they assumed that you wouldn’t want to go for one reason or another. Maybe someone at work is upset with you because they assumed you were thinking something negative about them. Perhaps your spouse makes an important decision without asking you because they thought they knew what you would want.

Sometimes, you might believe that someone is thinking something negative about you or your relationship. This can cause you to worry and become anxious for no reason. This happens more often in relationships than many people realize.

Chances are good that you are guilty of mind reading since we all are to some extent. It’s natural to look for cues and to interpret what they mean. However, our interpretations are not always accurate, and that’s what leads to problems. Therefore, you will want to know how you can stop from always mind reading in your relationships.

Stop Mind Reading

One of the first and most important things to do is to make sure that you understand that you have certain biases and a limited view of the world. You don’t know everything, and you can’t know everything that someone is thinking. Understanding this helps you realize that you need to communicate. Becoming more self-aware will help you to learn how to empathize with others. It can also help you to stop from projecting your views onto others and mistakenly believing it is what they are thinking.

Better communication is essential. Ask more questions to help figure out what other people are thinking and feeling. Be more receptive when they are talking with you and repeat things and ask for clarification if needed. This will help you to ensure that you and the other person are truly on the same page.

Be aware of the mind reading fallacies and learn to communicate better. It will help you in all of your relationships.

Some people will leap to the worst possible conclusions about something that happens or that could happen in their lives. This is known as catastrophizing, and it is a type of cognitive distortion. People who do this will often believe that the worst will happen even though they typically have limited information. Even with what many would consider relatively small problems, they will feel as though they are going through a major problem. It can be difficult to get away from this type of thinking.

What is the Cause?

It is not entirely clear what causes catastrophic thinking in people, as there could be different reasons behind it. There is the possibility that it is a coping mechanism that has been learned from other people in your life. It could result from experiences you’ve faced in the past. For example, if you have had one or two events that have turned out more terribly than you initially thought, then you might start to see everything through a catastrophic lens. There is also the possibility that it could be related to brain chemistry.

Typically, those who have other conditions will be more likely to engage in catastrophizing thinking. For example, people who have depression and anxiety and those who often feel tired and fatigued may be more likely to think this way.

How to Battle Catastrophic Thinking

Although we all have negative thoughts from time to time, there is a big difference between occasional negativity and catastrophizing. When the negativity starts to get out of control and when it grows to a point that is beyond the reality of what’s happening, it becomes a problem. For those who think this way, it becomes easier and easier to turn everything into a catastrophe in their mind.

Naturally, having this pattern of thinking can be destructive. Being constantly worried about what could happen can amplify feelings of anxiety and depression. However, those who can learn how to better identify this pattern of thinking can start to get a better hold of those negative thoughts.

Being more mindful can help you to better determine which thoughts are irrational and which are causing you the biggest problems. When you have better control over your thoughts, you will find that it tends to be easier to get catastrophizing under control. Sometimes, it will be difficult to do this on your own and you may benefit from therapy from a professional.

Going through cognitive behavioral therapy has the potential to help, as it can address behavioral and thought patterns. You can start to learn how to recognize irrational thoughts, so you can then replace them with rational thoughts.

Catastrophizing can affect the quality of life that you have. Being constantly worried and anxious about things that are not likely to happen can be exhausting. It can feel crushing. However, there are methods of treatment discussed above. If you feel that you tend to catastrophize, consider talking with a specialist.

We all want to believe that if we work hard and do the right thing, good things will come to us. That idea is promoted by many religious leaders, by employers, and we’re even indoctrinated with it in our personal lives from family members and friends. If you work hard, keep your head down, and do what’s right, eventually you will be rewarded.

Sadly, that’s demonstrably not the way it works. We all know people who have worked as hard as us or even harder and yet have far less to show for it. History is rife with examples of people who strove to do the right thing and yet never received recognition, recompense, or any other reward for their actions.

The idea we are talking about is called the heaven’s reward fallacy, but it does not really have anything to do with the afterlife and can affect people regardless of their religious beliefs.

The Wrong Focus

The problem with this cognitive distortion is not necessarily the fact that we work hard or that we strive to do what’s right. It’s that we focus on the wrong thing. We focus on sublimating our own needs while doing for others in the hopes that in the future we’ll be rewarded with love, acceptance, or some other reward. We sacrifice the present for the future. “I will be happy when…” – chances are good that you’ve made those sorts of statements before.

This also applies to things far beyond employment or reciprocated love. For instance, someone struggling to overcome an eating disorder might feel increasingly bitter that those around them do not recognize or appreciate their sacrifices and the willpower required to overcome bingeing and purging. Here, the focus is on receiving praise or acknowledgment from outside ourselves on a job well done. The problem is that many people may not even realize everything required to fight back against an eating disorder.

Another example: One spouse works a full-time job, but also cooks, cleans, does the laundry, and generally takes care of the home. They do this while waiting for some sort of acknowledgment of their effort or recognition, but that never came. Eventually, the person becomes embittered and sullen and drives away the very family members from whom they had sought recognition.

In many situations, anxiety, low self-image, and related problems play pivotal roles. Many people locked into this fallacy feel that they are only worth what they do for others, or what they bring to their jobs – that they have little or no inherent worth in and of themselves. Western society has perpetuated this through the myth that if you do not contribute something of value to society, then you have no value yourself.

Overcoming the Heaven’s Reward Fallacy

While this is one of the more common cognitive distortions, it is one of the most challenging to overcome. Often, it requires therapy to deal with self-esteem and self-image issues, combined with other practices to help us focus on the value of the here and now, rather than some imagined better future.

Events can be categorized as either positive, negative, or neutral. It is also possible to categorize them by significance or severity – being involved in an auto accident would be severe while forgetting to turn off the light in the bedroom when you leave would be relatively minor. However, for many people, the line between significant and less significant can be hard to define.

The Question of Perception

People struggle with many different cognitive distortions that affect their perceptions. One of the more common is magnification or minimization. In this situation, two things can occur. For some people, the importance of an event, particularly an event that is perceived as being negative, such as a mistake, is exaggerated. In the other situation, the reverse occurs, with the individual downplaying the significance of an event or decision.

Magnification

In the case of magnification, an individual will perceive a relatively minor incident as being much more important. For instance, a spilled glass of milk becomes not just an annoyance, but a cause of major upset. Magnification tends to occur with negative (bad) situations – mistakes a person has made or those made by people in their lives, accidents that occur, missteps taken in social situations, and the like. To some extent, we all feel this way – a major social faux pas will be a cause of consternation even if our peers barely notice it.

Minimization

In the case of minimization, the individual will downplay events that occur. This is most likely to happen with positive events or things most of us would consider “good”. For instance, getting a perfect score on a test would be minimized in value, even though the person might have spent hours preparing for it, and taking a small amount of pride in the accomplishment would be considered both normal and acceptable.

The Role of Anxiety

Anxiety disorder plays a central role in both magnification and minimization. Individuals prone to anxiety (or diagnosed with an anxiety disorder) tend to experience both extremes in relation to themselves and even to others within their life. For instance, a minor auto accident, in which neither car sustained any damage and the other driver was understanding and did not want to bother with an insurance claim might become an event of such cataclysmic proportions that the anxious person may decide to stop driving for days, weeks, or even months. This is even though the event yielded no definably negative outcomes.

How to Deal with Magnification and Minimization

The key to dealing with these cognitive disorders is to be aware that they occur. When you realize that you are magnifying a situation, pause and reassess. The same is true for minimizing positive situations – stop, breathe, and reframe the situation.

A panic diary is sometimes used as well to help track magnified/minimized thoughts and define patterns, while also connecting the behavior to underlying triggers. It is also important to remember that no one is perfect – we all make mistakes, so try not to let minor mishaps distract from the good in your life.

We all label things in our life. Things that cause us pain or discomfort are bad. Things that bring us happiness are good. Time spent with loved ones is enjoyable, while time spent doing a task that we dislike is unenjoyable.

Labeling is natural and, at least to some extent, required for us to make sense of the world around us. However, when we blow that ability out of proportion to the situation, we create negative scenarios and views that ultimately exacerbate existing anxiety and create more. Global labeling, sometimes called mislabeling, is the process of basing a characterization of someone on a one-dimensional representation of their character.

The One-Dimensional Cutout

Global labeling occurs when we let one aspect of someone’s behavior color our perception of their entire character. A boss might become an ignorant jerk. A coworker could become someone who slacks off and refuses to work. Someone who cuts us off in traffic must be a complete waste of oxygen.

Many problems exist with this situation and they all stem from a couple of factors. First, we are assuming that the entirety of a person’s character is a particular way based on a single aspect, or perhaps a single interaction with that individual. This blinds us to the fact that the people in our lives, even those we might only interact with tangentially for a brief moment in our lives, are driven by a multitude of causes and conditions, characteristics, and emotions.

No one is truly a one-dimensional cutout, but when we focus on only the negative aspects, it allows us to believe that this is the case. It also leads to an amplification of existing anxiety and even leads to stereotyping and prejudice. When turned inward, this type of thinking becomes self-destructive and dangerous, leading to a negative self-view, depression, even more anxiety, and other problems.

This type of thinking can lead to changes in behavior, as well. For instance, if you aren’t able to make it to the gym, the frustration can make it easy to turn to junk food – after all, if you’re always going to miss the gym (a label based on a single experience) then why bother at all?

How to Break the Cycle

Breaking the cycle of global labeling can be challenging, but it can be done. It requires one thing – the willingness to suspend judgment. This will require that you make space between an action on your part or interaction with someone else and your judgment of that action or interaction. During that pause, ask yourself a few questions:

• Is my view an accurate depiction of what occurred?

• Have I looked deeply into the action or interaction?

• Am I basing my characterization on a single facet of someone’s personality?

• Am I negatively labeling myself or someone else without the appropriate context?

• Am I considering the other person as an individual or am I lumping them in with a wider group?

With time, patience, and the realization that this is what is occurring, you can begin to make changes.

We’ve all been there before. Someone says something, perhaps in line with a larger discussion, or maybe just off the cuff, and it strikes you – they’re wrong and you know the correct answer. Happily, you provide them with more accurate information, but instead of acknowledging it, they double down on their fallacious beliefs.

In this situation, one of the two of you (or even both of you) is struggling with a cognitive distortion called “always being right”. This goes far beyond being a “know it all”, as those individuals generally base their arguments on facts and when presented with more accurate facts, will revise their opinion. In the world of people suffering from this cognitive distortion, being wrong is simply not possible… but it can be addressed with cognitive behavioral therapy.

I’m Always Right

Determining the presence of this distortion can be tricky, particularly when it comes to the rise of misinformation and polarized political stances. Someone has to be wrong in the argument, don’t they? Yes, someone is right and someone is wrong (or they’re both somewhere in a shade of gray on the scale of right/wrong). However, that is not really what this is about.

This cognitive distortion has nothing to do with the actual accuracy of the information/stance/belief. Instead, it is the inability to recognize that something you believe could be wrong. Simply put, in these instances, everything you believe is always right. The beliefs of others are always wrong – usually the result of mistaken beliefs.

It does not stop with the unshakeable belief that you are correct. You will go to any lengths necessary to defend your opinion and attempt to persuade the other person that yours is the correct view. If you have ever witnessed two or more people arguing in the comments on an online news article or social media post long beyond the point that most would have decided to call it quits, you have seen this distortion in action.

Beyond the Verbal Argument

Always being right does not present itself only in verbal arguments. It can also show up as behaviors. For instance, perfectionists often fall into this area, as do those struggling with imposter syndrome. Anxiety and depression are also frequently connected to this cognitive distortion.

How to Combat the Problem

As with many other cognitive distortions, the key to overcoming this one is to pause and breathe. Ask yourself several questions:

• Is it possible that my opinion is incorrect?

• Does it really matter if I “win” the argument?

• Is the other person actually wrong? Can I see the logic in their position?

• Is my desire to be right outweighing my regard for someone else’s feelings?

Look for opportunities to grow and learn new things. Realize that being “right” isn’t really all that important in many situations. Try to give yourself some leeway, too – everyone makes mistakes and it is always possible that you are in the wrong. Being right is not the most important thing in life.

Many different cognitive distortions can affect our thinking. One that is particularly common is “emotional reasoning”. In this situation, an individual assumes that because they feel something, then it must be true.

To an extent, we all experience this from time to time. For instance, it’s part of what underlies our penchant for believing things that support our personal biases, often without much in the way of actual evidence. However, Emotional Reasoning goes deeper and can lead to many problems. Let’s take a look at it through the lens of cognitive behavioral therapy.

Understanding Emotional Reasoning

Emotional reasoning is the condition of being so strongly influenced by your emotions that you assume that they indicate objective truth. Whatever you feel is true, without any conditions and without any need for supporting facts or evidence. This is often tied to negative emotions and mental states. For instance, a teenager who feels that they are stupid and ugly must actually be unintelligent and unattractive.

In these situations, your emotions may even override your feelings, behaviors, and logic. Emotional reasoning can stem from many different situations, but most are traumatic or involve danger of some sort (either real or perceived).

For instance, Heather is a 20-something professional. She’s driving home one evening from work when a serious thunderstorm blows up. Before she can find somewhere safe to pull over and find shelter, Heather hydroplanes in a puddle and is involved in an accident. While she was physically unharmed, and the damage to her car was minor and covered by insurance, Heather refuses to drive in any rainy weather thereafter, believing that she will get into an accident.

How to Overcome Emotional Reasoning

Overcoming emotional reasoning can be difficult, but it is possible. To explore how it is possible, we will use Heather as our example once more.

Heather feels afraid whenever she is behind the wheel and the weather becomes inclement. To help herself overcome the situation, she can recognize what she is feeling, acknowledge it, but then instead of engaging in negative self-talk and telling herself that she’s in danger, she can reassure herself that this feeling will pass.

The Connection with Panic Disorder

Emotional reasoning is often connected with panic disorder. People who struggle with emotional reasoning often engage in negative self-talk that escalates their emotions, leading to a full-blown panic attack. For instance, if Heather continued to focus on her fear of driving in the rain, telling herself that she knows she is going to have an accident, there is a very good chance that she will work herself into a panic attack. There is also the chance that the panic attack will precipitate an auto accident, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy and further reinforcing Heather’s emotional reasoning.

With patience, time, and the realization that simply because you feel something does not make it true, you can begin working to change the situation. Working with a therapist can also help you explore your emotions and how they affect your thinking, beliefs, and actions.

We have all encountered people in our lives whom we believed needed to change their behaviors, ways of thinking, or beliefs. In some cases, that change is necessary for the betterment of that specific individual. However, in some cases, people may believe that others must change for themselves to be happy. This is called the Fallacy of Change and is one of many cognitive distortions addressed by cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

The Question of Change and Seeking Happiness

Change and happiness often go hand in hand. For instance, when you pursue personal development through yoga, meditation, or mindfulness practice, you change old ways of thinking and approaching the world. The result is personal growth and improved happiness. Those who fall victim to the fallacy of change, on the other hand, focus on forcing others to change to support their happiness, and often find that the result is not what they believed it would be.

For instance, one spouse might ask another not to wear their favorite T-shirt simply because the other spouse does not like it. This is a simplistic example, but it serves to highlight how innocuous some of these beliefs can be. A more serious example: a boyfriend believes that his girlfriend is perfect in almost every way, but she can sometimes nag. In his belief that eliminating her nagging would result in his happiness, he tries to force her to change. The result is that both of them ultimately become unhappy.

Another example is a girl who is attracted to “bad boys”. It is not because she finds the boy physically attractive, although that may be true, but that she believes she can “fix” him and make him over in the image of her own desires or what she believes is “good”.

There are many different problems with this cognitive distortion. Perhaps the most significant is that the individual forcing the change believes that their happiness entirely rests on the other person in some way. They fail to realize that their happiness stems from within themselves, thinking instead that some outside force will eventually make them happy.

Ultimately, both the person attempting to force change and the one being forced to change experience unhappiness. The person being forced to change may feel anger or resentment. The person forcing the change usually finds that even if the other individual complies with their wishes, happiness is elusive. The fact that the desired change is usually forced through pressure or cajoling further complicates the situation. Eventually, the negative emotions that the fallacy of change induces will also affect the situation, perhaps even driving a wedge between two people in a relationship.

How to Overcome the Fallacy of Change

The most important step to overcoming this cognitive distortion is to realize that our happiness does not depend on other people. We are responsible for our own happiness – it’s an inside job. Happiness due to external factors (such as someone doing what you want) will only create a temporary sense of satisfaction that soon fades away.

Updated July 25, 2023

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

"Life isn’t fair." We've all heard this saying countless times, but for many people, its truth hasn't really been absorbed. Some firmly believe that life should—and can—be fair, and when confronted with the harsh reality, they grapple with distress and disappointment. This struggle, identified in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), is known as a cognitive distortion, specifically the fallacy of fairness.

What Is the Fallacy of Fairness?

The Fallacy of Fairness is a cognitive distortion where people apply rigid societal norms of fairness to personal interactions, leading to frustration when outcomes don’t meet their expectations of fairness. The society we live in is governed by explicit conventions and rules—laws and regulations. These rules are black and white, cut and dry. However, complications arise when individuals attempt to apply these unequivocal societal norms to their personal interactions. The trouble lies in the fact that two people will rarely, if ever, agree entirely on what "fair" means within the context of their relationship. Perceived unfairness invariably emerges when outcomes seem to favor someone else over us. It's crucial to understand that fairness is not an objective, universally agreed-upon principle—it's subjective and varies from person to person.

The Fallacy of Fairness and Heaven's Reward Fallacy: A Comparison

A closely related cognitive distortion to the fallacy of fairness is the Heaven's Reward Fallacy. This fallacy embodies the belief that one's struggles, sacrifices, and selflessness will eventually be rewarded, just as in many moral and religious teachings. However, life doesn't necessarily operate this way, leading to disappointment and frustration.

Consider Sarah, a diligent worker who consistently stays late to finish her tasks, forgoing personal time and relaxation. She operates under the Heaven's Reward Fallacy, believing that her sacrifice will be recognized and rewarded with a promotion or a raise. When a colleague, who leaves on time or even a little early at the end of each workday, gets the promotion instead, Sarah feels a profound sense of unfairness. The reality, however, is that promotions are often based on various factors, not just the number of hours worked. Sarah's belief in an ultimate fair reward sets her up for disappointment.

What Do We Perceive as Fair?

Our sense of fairness, like all our other notions, is shaped by our perception of reality. However, all perceptions are, by their nature, somewhat skewed, so objective fairness can't truly be perceived by an individual. When reality contradicts what we perceive to be fair, it triggers a cascade of negative emotions, including anger, hurt, fear, a sense of rejection, and more.

Let's consider the case of Tom and Annie, a newlywed couple. Annie expects Tom to work at his job and also contribute to household chores because that was her experience growing up—both her parents worked, and both contributed to household duties. On the other hand, Tom grew up in a household where only one parent worked, while the other managed the house.

Annie frequently feels frustrated and angry due to what she perceives as Tom's indifference to what she considers a mutual responsibility. Tom, for his part, feels perplexed by Annie's expectations and does not understand why he should work at his job all day, only to come home and work some more. Both Tom and Annie feel that they are being treated unfairly, but the reality is neither fair nor unfair—it simply is. Their individual perceptions of fairness, shaped by their unique past experiences, highlight the subjective nature of fairness.

How to Overcome the Fallacy of Fairness: Expanded Insight

Tackling the fallacy of fairness involves a two-fold approach—adjusting our thought patterns and understanding that fairness is not a universal absolute. Our personal experiences and backgrounds significantly shape our sense of fairness, and these experiences might not apply to everyone else. Hence, their sense of fairness will differ from ours.

It's important to first recognize and challenge our automatic thoughts about what's fair and unfair. Are these thoughts based on objective evidence, or are they shaped by personal experiences and emotions? Are we jumping to conclusions without considering the other person's perspective? Awareness, recognition, and self-questioning can be powerful first steps in overcoming this fallacy.

Moreover, effective communication plays a crucial role. This involves expressing our expectations clearly, listening to the other person's viewpoint, and trying to understand their perspective. This communication process fosters empathy and understanding.

Finally, it's essential to seek compromise rather than an absolute sense of personal fairness. It involves working collaboratively to reach an agreement that may not seem entirely fair to either party but is more equitable when considering everyone's perspectives. This approach fosters healthier, more balanced relationships, helping us overcome the fallacy of fairness.

In sum, the fallacy of fairness can be a significant source of distress and conflict in our personal and professional lives. However, by recognizing this cognitive distortion, challenging our perceptions, and fostering effective communication and compromise, we can navigate this fallacy and foster healthier and more satisfying relationships.