A big topic is perfectionism and how do we overcome perfectionism? A lot of us can relate to, even if maybe we don't say, Oh, I am a perfectionist, we can say we have perfectionist tendencies or perfectionism is something that creeps in every once in a while. And maybe you can't, you're one of the lucky ones and that's great.

But it usually plagues most of us at some point in our life. And for some of us, it's just a day to day challenge. So let's define perfectionism and the impact it has on mental health. So it's the relentless pursuit of flawlessness. It's often accompanied by critical self evaluation and concern over other people's judgments.

It usually, or almost always, means you have unrealistic high standards for yourself. You put a lot of pressure on yourself to meet these standards. And understandably, that's going to lead to a lot of stress, anxiety, depression, burnout exhaustion. Yeah, it can be a lot if it's really intense for you.

And the last piece of it is as you're, striving for this perfectionistic way for this excellence, right? It will, in turn, it can hinder your personal growth and being, because you have such a fear of failure that you're not able to complete tasks that you need to do or be creative or get things done.

It can really make somebody stuck and almost paralyzed to do things. I'll talk about that a little bit later.

Signs of Perfectionism

So there's signs of perfectionism and a little bit of what I talked about, but I'll go into a little bit more of what the characteristics and what it works looks like.

So you're setting these unrealistic high standards. The obvious one is it shows itself at work. That's where you can really usually see it. But, people do this as a parent setting really high expectations, like what are other parents doing?

And then in turn, you put that on your kids. Or even how you are in relationships, you need to be the perfect daughter or the perfect friend. The perfect coworker, all of those things. So it's not just at work, in terms of the tasks or the projects you're doing, it can also be in the relationships that you're building.

Another sign is a fear of failure and making mistakes. So you worry and maybe even ruminate about mistakes and what those negative consequences will be. And that in turn leads to our next sign, which is you then procrastinate. And that's because the concern and the fear is that you're not going to meet those standards.

And so instead of just saying to yourself I'm going to do the best I can, or I don't need to be perfect or whatever. You end up not being able and you just get stuck and paralyzed to even do the tasks. And so you delay them and then you worry more and worry more.

And then that's when anxiety develops.

Psychological Roots of Perfectionism

When we're talking about perfectionism, it's helpful to know what the psychological roots of perfectionism are. So they often come from early experiences and upbringing. So that might have been a harsh critical parent or teacher or coach.

Maybe even later on it can happen, right, from a boss or manager. And then it also some other roots of that is a desire for control and approval. And that can also be from as a child if love was conditional based on if you did things or how well you did things.

So that's the approval piece. And then the control piece is often sometimes if you struggle with some anxiety is also another way that we try to control things. And so perfectionism also plays into that as well.

Negative Effects of Perfectionism

So the negative effects of perfectionism, and I mentioned it very briefly a little bit ago, but I think let's talk about a little bit more. Negative effects of perfectionism are chronic stress and anxiety, extreme fatigue, exhaustion.

And this isn't your run of the mill stress. It can be just persistent and really can be really debilitating for a lot of people. Another negative effect is burnout and decreased productivity. This obviously is, we can relate that the most to work, but it definitely happens in the day to day and as who you are, again, as maybe a parent or in your relationship with your partner or even as being a friend.

And this is the strained relationships piece. So it if you're always trying to be perfect in everything you do. do, it's going to make you also avoid some friendships or avoid interactions with family members. Because it's just like this idea of if I can't do it just right, I'm just not going to do it at all.

And so then that can be really isolating as well.

Strategies to Overcome Perfectionism

So now the most important piece is what are the ways, the strategies to overcome perfectionism. So it's setting realistic goals and breaking these tasks into manageable steps. Often people with perfectionism have goals that are just not attainable whether that means they need to get some project done within an hour and then they're frustrated they couldn't do that. Or this PowerPoint needs to be absolutely perfect.

And so they spend hours upon hours when really it shouldn't have should have taken half or a quarter of that amount of time. So it's setting realistic goals, knowing when to stop, even if something isn't exactly perfect. And then breaking it into manageable steps. It's practicing self compassion. Treating yourself with understanding and kindness, just with care and how you would treat another person is how you then can treat yourself. When those perfectionistic thoughts come up, you want to challenge them. So when these irrational beliefs are happening, you want to replace them with more balanced thinking. And so that, of course, takes being mindful, noticing when they're even irrational. Because if you've been operating in one way and being perfectionistic for a very long time, sometimes you don't even notice you're doing it, right?

It's just automatic. So it's being able to notice when they come up. Being able to have a more balanced way of thinking. And lastly, this might be the most challenging, which is embracing those mistakes. Which does sound really difficult. Looking at mistakes as opportunities for growth and being able to tolerate a mistake.

So maybe you had a project at work and your manager gives you constructive feedback. Instead of spiraling into a place of self criticism and horrible things that maybe you say to yourself, it's like, all right, I made some mistakes. How can I now not do this next time? Or what can it look like next time that would be different? Or everybody makes mistakes and I'm human like everybody else.

And so how can I move on from this instead of beating myself up. We see a lot of people at therapy now SF who have perfectionistic ways of being and levels of how it disrupts their life and all, again, with work or relationships and procrastination, I think is one of the biggest things that it does.

Being able to recognize this is such a challenging pattern for me, that I'm not able to do this on my own. I need a professional. I need some outside support to help manage that. I don't even know how to replace my irrational beliefs and make my thinking more balanced. And so that's when it can be helpful to reach out to a therapist and together work on bringing the awareness. And then learning how to replace that way of thinking and behavior.

And so that way it looks different and you're not struggling as much and decreasing anxiety and decreasing depression and just overall decreasing your stress. It's not a bad thing to reach out. It doesn't mean you're making a mistake or that you're a mistake because something's wrong with you because you have perfectionistic ways. Being self compassionate about that and recognizing when maybe it's time I get a little bit of help.

Let's talk about the power of self compassion, what self compassion is and how to cultivate it more in your own life.

I think self compassion is something maybe a few years ago was really buzzy, but I think maybe it's not as much in the zeitgeist as it was. It's still incredibly important and something that as a therapist, we're talking to our clients about all the time.

Something I'm trying to remind myself of all the time. It's not the easiest thing to do. And so it's great to continue to make it a conversation.

So what does self compassion mean? It means treating yourself with care and kindness and understanding with empathy. With... I was going to say with compassion, that's obvious.

And realizing that not just everybody else has imperfections, but that we, of course, have imperfections and struggles. And one of the best ways that I try to explain this to clients and even friends and to myself is the empathy you have that you would give to a friend. Turn that back on yourself.

Give it to yourself. That's really, as simple as saying, What would I say to a friend? And then turning on yourself. And sometimes when I think to myself, Oh, how can I be self compassionate? What would I say to myself? My mind goes completely blank. And so then that's when I have to literally say, what would I say to a friend? And then it just rolls off the tongue.

So let's talk a little bit deeper into the components of self compassion. So self kindness, like I mentioned, is treating yourself with understanding and care instead of that harsh judgment. Another piece is having common humanity, recognizing that suffering and personal failure are part of the shared human experience.

They are part of life and keeping that at the forefront of what's going on in context. And then mindfulness. So observing our negative thoughts as they come up. We can't change any of our thoughts or have self-compassion if we're not noticing it at first. And then when you are observing them, you're noticing those feelings with openness and clarity without over-identifying with them.

Benefits of Practicing Self-Compassion

So the benefits of practicing self compassion when we do this, we can start to build emotional resilience. And what that means is we can help ourselves recover quickly from setbacks. The more resilient we become, the more flexible we are, just the easier it is to get through life's day to day challenges.

And when we have massive setbacks or challenges. We'll have overall improved mental health. That one might be obvious. But to be a little more specific is linking that to lower anxiety, depression, and stress. And another piece of improved mental health means we're going to have better relationships.

We're going to be able to support our friends in a better way because we're being kinder to ourselves. So we're feeling better. So we have the emotional bandwidth to be able to support other people. Not just friends, but of course, family members, coworkers, neighbors. Anybody that's in your community, you're going to have more empathy for them because you're having more empathy for yourself.

And then lastly is personal growth so You can pursue your goals without as much fear. Learning is a little bit easier. You're looking at difficult things as more of a challenge, not as a barrier that you can't overcome.

Practical Tips for Cultivating Self-Compassion

When we're practicing mindfulness and engaging in mindfulness exercises, that means being aware of all of your senses. When we're being more mindful, we have an openness and a curiosity into what our thoughts are.

Most of us just operate in autopilot. And so our thoughts are just whizzing by and it's habit and we don't really think twice of it. But when you're practicing mindfulness, you start to tune in to what those thoughts are.

And next one is just, in general, being more kind to yourself. So when those self critical thoughts come up, how can you replace that with more supportive words. And I think the other piece is that sometimes when we have critical self thoughts, we then criticize those thoughts and get mad at ourselves for those thoughts. And and then you're mad at yourself for doing that. And it just becomes like you're stacking on top of each other.

And so instead of that, again, it's this curiosity of ah, you label it. That was a self critical thought. And okay, what would be an alternate way to handle that. And then another piece would be recognizing our common humanity, that everybody struggles, that life is challenging in general, we all suffer in different ways and it doesn't help to be angry at ourselves.

And then lastly would be self compassion exercises. That can look like writing yourself a letter that's more compassionate, or a guided meditation, or reading a book that's maybe a self help book. Any of those things will help self compassion.

And if you're interested in learning more about self compassion, one of the main leading researchers is Dr. Kristin Neff. I actually went to a talk of hers a couple of years ago, and this is what she does.

This is her day in and day out. And she's absolutely incredible in how she phrases these things. And I think one of the things that she talks about is it can feel really cheesy to think of self compassion or that people feel like if they're not hard on themselves and they won't achieve their goals and all this kind of stuff.

And what her research shows is actually, it does the opposite. That when we're very self critical it actually stunts us being able to complete our goals. It stunts how we interact in a relationship. It makes our anxiety and depression worse and all of those things. So there is legit research that shows what self-compassion can do.

And that it doesn't have to be something that's cheesy or overhyped. It can just be something that you're practicing in the day to day. And if you're really having a hard time with even understanding how to do this, that's where talking to a therapist is really helpful. And our therapists at Therapy Now SF try to practice this with themselves like we all do and definitely encourage it. And when working with our clients. So it's something that we're, again, it's just a work in progress. We're all trying. Anybody would be lying if they said they did all the time. And it's just the practice, you just keep going. And it's challenging sometimes and not others. But you keep plugging away.

An important topic that I think a lot of us experienced or we know someone that does experience this, which is social anxiety. So I think we all know that as a general term and you hear it running around all the time of, oh I've social anxiety, or I have some social anxiety. And not to say that people aren't experiencing social anxiety, but it might not be completely diagnosable.

But again, even though that they're experiencing it, that's still really important. And what we're going to talk about is ways to manage that, whether it's minor and it comes up a little bit of discomfort, to impacting you to the point where you're really not able even to socialize. So let's start with the definition of and symptoms of social anxiety.

Understanding Social Anxiety

So social anxiety disorder is the more technical term, also known as social phobia. It's a very common mental health condition. And it's an intense fear of social situations where one might be scrutinized by others.

So there's statistical prevalence of this, pretty high: 1 in 10 people experience social anxiety at some point in their lives.

I would say it's even higher than that, but those are the numbers that the research shows. And then there's some demographic variations as well. Often people start to experience it in childhood or adolescence with a median age around 13 years old. It's common for social anxiety to develop after the age of 25.

And gender-wise, women are more likely to be both diagnosed and experience social anxiety 1.5 to 2 times higher than men.

And then there's an urban versus rural difference as well. And urban areas are higher and the possible reason for that is just there's more social interaction demands in urban areas.

Psychological Strategies

Social anxiety, like I mentioned earlier, can be incredibly debilitating. But with the right strategies, it can be managed and overcome. So that's an exciting piece.

Some very effective ways to manage social anxiety are cognitive behavioral therapy also known as CBT.

And basically what that is something in the environment happens, you have thoughts about that experience, and you have bodily sensations about that experience, and then you act in a way because of that.

For example, I'm going to a work mixer. And this would be social anxiety provoking for me, actually. And so my thoughts would be, might be, what am I going to talk about? Are they going to think I sound stupid? Do I ask them about their job? Do we talk about personal? What if there's silence? And then immediately now I'm anxious. My heart starts racing. Maybe my palms are sweating. And then my brain isn't functioning as well and I'm not able to just talk comfortably as I would with a friend.

So ways to handle that are exposure therapy. So it's gradually facing that feared social interaction. So it might be, in that example, maybe you go for 30 minutes. And before that you're talking about ways that you can, maybe you're prepping a little bit, so maybe you're saying like, you think of some topics that you can talk to people about, maybe you're doing a little role play in your house by yourself or with a friend.

And so you're getting ready for that. There's also mindfulness and relaxation techniques for reducing the symptoms. So mindfulness is you're getting aware of all of your senses. Relaxation techniques might be to some deep breathing... again, some kind of calming statements, some reassuring statements.

Lifestyle Changes

So then there's lifestyle changes as well. So regular exercise we know can be really helpful and anxiety reduction overall. Having a healthy diet.

So if you're about to go to this work event, you might not want to have a ton of caffeine, because caffeine - it helps you stay awake. If you have too much of it, it might produce some anxiety. Your heart might start racing and your thoughts might start racing and it's can be a little bit intense.

And then you also want adequate sleep. That's a really great way to manage anxiety. Often when we don't have a lot of sleep, we immediately feel anxious and out of it.

Practical Tips for Managing Social Situations

So some practical tips for managing social situations.

A little bit what I talked about before. So some preparation, planning, and maybe rehearsing what social interactions can look like. Doing again some deep breathing, some grounding techniques. And then some positive self talk and affirmations. This is all helpful and it can be helpful to do on your own.

Seeking Professional Help

If again, it's so debilitating for you that you're noticing you're not seeing friends, you're having a hard time interacting with co-workers and going to parties and all these different things, then that might be the time to consult a mental health professional. And you can look into the different types of therapy and counseling that's available.

Like I mentioned, CBT is one of the most popular ones. It's one of the most evidence based and effective ways for social anxiety of treatment. And lastly, if it's really debilitating, medication can be really helpful too. And maybe that means, medication short term until you get a grasp and you get all these tools under your belt, or it might mean medication longer term and that's okay.

We all have different chemistry, biology, and different life circumstances. And so doing what you need to help yourself is totally fine.

Building a Support System

And then, lastly, building a support system. The more comfortable you can even be with friends and family, it's like practice. And then they're also supportive of you to help you do these things.

You can join support groups. There's social skills training programs. There's public speaking programs. There's different online communities and other resources for social support.

So to sum everything up, social anxiety is incredibly common. Most of us, I would say, have some level of it at some point in our life.

So we can all empathize with someone who's really struggling with it. We possibly know someone who really struggles with social anxiety. And so ways to manage that are some of the ways I mentioned of practicing, positive self talk, maybe some CBT, doing exposure, building up to bigger events. Practice really does make perfect in this area. Having a good support group, a social community and yeah, just keep at it. It does get better over time and there's going to be, for lack of a better word, you're going to have missteps and you got to keep pushing forward and not give up for those missteps.

And like always, if it's really debilitating and these things that you can't do on your own, which for a lot of us, that's the case, reaching out to a mental health professional.

And if you're in California TherapyNowSF has many therapists who work with social anxiety. And so that's something that we can definitely help with.

Navigating life transitions. This is something we can all relate to. We've all had some form of life transition in our life. There's obvious ones moving, starting a new job, starting a new school or just starting school. Maybe Losing a loved one, maybe retirement, the ending of a relationship, the start of a new relationship, any sort of health challenges... Okay, I'll stop.

That's enough. We all get the idea of what a life transition is. So they can be very challenging, but with the right strategies and mindset, they can be navigated successfully, and they can also be looked at as a growing opportunity. And a challenge that's positive and can help us grow in ways that we couldn't think of.

But we've got to be mindful of all these things to actually make it so that way it can be done in a relatively successful way. Some impacts of life transitions are, they can have a massive emotional and psychological toll. They can create a lot of anxiety.

They can bring on depression. It could be triggering for trauma, such as losing a loved one. It can be a lot and that stress can be so much that it can impact our sleep, it can impact our eating our social engagement, our ability to focus. And whether that's work or just in general our ability to be present in life.

So there's a lot of ways it can impact us. That's why it's important to have some strategies.

Psychological and Emotional Strategies

So one strategy for a life transition is acceptance and mindfulness. So if this transition is happening and you don't have control that it's going to happen either way, even if it's a positive thing, you're moving to a place you always wanted to move to, it's still a massive transition and a big change. So having acceptance of what you can and can't control can be really helpful. Embracing that change. And doing your best to stay present. So when those anxious thoughts come up, you're noticing those thoughts and you are also maybe challenging them to more logical and rational statements and doing some self care of what would be helpful right now so I can bring my anxiety down.

Like it's really intense. Can I go outside for a walk? Can I take a shower, can I talk to a friend? Any of those things to help manage that anxiety. Some cognitive behavioral strategies as well. So noticing when these negative thoughts come up. Actively challenging those thoughts .And then helping yourself develop a more positive outlook.

Being flexible is a huge way to go about this. That helps with resilience. So the more flexible and our ability to adapt and change, the better off we're going to be in the long term.

Practical Steps for Managing Transitions

Some more practical ways to manage any sort of big transition or even small transition, is by doing a lot of planning and preparation.

So setting realistic goals for yourself, creating some sort of action plan And with this, you still want to be flexible and adaptable. Another one would be building a good support system. Being able to rely on family and friends, professional networks, if needed maybe some support groups, even looking online for ways to manage it and really reaching out to different support systems.

Maintaining Physical and Mental Health

Ways to maintain your physical and mental health. So having healthy lifestyle habits are going to help. So like I mentioned before, maybe you go for a run. Regular exercise is going to manage both anxiety and depression. Having a balanced diet.

All of these are setting you up for success. So that way you still may feel some anxiety, but at least you've slept well and you went for a walk and you went to the gym and you ate a balanced meal. Your anxiety could be a lot worse than it actually is.

And then doing some self care and stress management. Self care can look like allowing yourself to, at night, read a book.

A book that you like. Whatever that looks like for some people that is a crime series for others that's like a positive psychology or a fantasy novel, whatever you like, that would be the one to do. And doing what you can to just manage that stress, having a schedule anything to prevent burnout.

Professional Guidance

If things become too challenging and, you've tried all these things that I've just mentioned, reaching out for professional guidance and support is also really helpful.

At TherapyNowSF we have a lot of people that have just moved to San Francisco, or have just moved to California, or are starting a new job, ended a relationship. Just had a call the other day for probably all these things.

Those are really common experiences. People sometimes feel like that stress is too much, understandably, and so it takes reaching out to a professional.

Another way to go about it is also, you could have a career or life coach they can provide some direction and motivation as well. And so to sum everything up: Can you embrace the change?

Can you recognize there might be some growth there? And even if the change is a negative one, like losing a loved one or the ending of a relationship that you didn't want to end, there will be growth there in time. And it can be from self discovery. It can be from managing anxiety in a different way this time that helps you manage it better next time.

It will build resilience and help you handle future changes. And also, I think, give you that confidence that I've been through hard things before I can do it again. And reminding yourself those stories of when things were difficult and it doesn't stay usually difficult forever and it does get better.

So keeping that in mind, keeping that hope idea in mind.

Let's talk about the impacts of social media. It's something that is talked about a lot. I feel like it's always these negative ideas and connotations around it. And not to say that's not true. And there's also some positive too.

And so it's a balanced, it can be a balanced way to engage in the world. Let's talk about both the mental health positive and negative impacts. And then let's also talk about how to engage with it in a healthy way.

Positive Impacts of Social Media

So let's start with positive. Some of the positive impacts are you can stay connected to friends, family, co-workers, someone you met at a restaurant... who knows. Someone you dated, someone... your neighbor. There's a lot of people you can stay connected to. That's cool. You see what they're up to. And then you can also have access to different support groups, mental health information. I like it for shopping, personally.

That can be a little dangerous, of course. Maybe I should move that into the negative impacts.

Negative Impacts of Social Media

And then, so what are the negative impacts? The big one, the really big one that I think we all can automatically think of, which is the social comparison piece. We all do it as humans.

We're always, unfortunately comparing ourselves to other people. It's just a natural part of being a human. It's how we have frame of reference into our own identity and who we are and what we want out of life. But when we do it a lot, and some of us do it more than others for varying degrees, it can lead to low self esteem.

It can lead to depression, anxiety. It can lead to feelings of doubt, self-doubt, insecurity. Significant negative impacts. Another big one is the prevalence of and the impact of cyberbullying. That's huge. And cyberbullying isn't just, sometimes we think of that for, 18 and under for younger people, but that is, as we know, absolutely not true.

People get behind a keyboard and go nuts and say things that would never say to somebody in person. And that happens to everybody. And I think the younger people are going to be more susceptible and vulnerable, but that doesn't mean we're not all impacted, especially as adults. And then the last one is, anytime we're excessively online or, on social media, we're reducing the real life interactions and productivity that we can do.

It's a distraction and sometimes we need a little distraction, but if again, we're using it in an excessive way that's not a very healthy way to go about it.

Strategies for Healthy Engagement

So some strategies for healthy engagement: You're going to want to limit that screen time and ways to do that are different monitoring tools.

There's different apps for that. There's ways you can set an alarm or, I'm going to go on Instagram for 20 minutes right now, and I'm going to cut myself off then and really sticking to it and having those boundaries. And another way to have healthy engagement is to follow more positive accounts and to unfollow the negative ones.

I think another piece around this is maybe not getting too lost in the comments where the negative comments can lay. And lastly, being mindful of the emotional responses that you're having and engaging in a thoughtful way. And what does that mean, right? Immediately, if you can start to feel like a lump in your throat and you're having bodily sensations or frustration or whatever.

And so then you ask yourself, what's going on right now? Why do I feel this way? And often it's some social comparison that we're doing, or, I think a big one that this happens for is people are traveling and it's like, oh, how do they get to travel? I'm at work. I'm at home. I'm taking care of kids.

I'm... whatever. And often people only post when they're traveling, and they only post when they're going to a cool restaurant, or doing an activity, or they're not posting when they're cleaning their kitchen and putting their kids to bed or whatever the more mundane things.

Summarizing all of that it's helpful again to think that: It's not just all negative and that there are some positives. So how do we increase those positive interactions? And just monitoring your time, noticing those interactions, trying to follow the more positive accounts and making sure you're still engaging with people in person as well.

And maybe you're using it as a tool to keep connected with people that you don't see as often. And then maybe it's a way to make plans with people that you then can see more often because you realize you miss them. Lastly, if this becomes, for some of us too big of a distraction or too difficult, it can be helpful to reach out to a therapist to talk about how it's making you feel insecure or having self-doubt and just talking to a professional about the effects of it and ways to manage it in a more effective way.

Understanding boundaries. Let's start with types of boundaries. There's emotional, physical, and time boundaries.

Emotional boundaries are feeling respected, feeling safe, feeling understood.

Physical boundaries, that might be more obvious. Also being safe, consent, feeling like you have control of your physical self.

And lastly, time boundaries, can be as simple as when you're meeting a friend and they show up two hours late and you're just sitting at the restaurant. Or in terms of like work and having those time boundaries of you stop at a certain time and your boss allows that or your colleagues allow that. And so those are sort of time boundaries.

The benefits of setting these boundaries are reduces stress. You have better relationship satisfaction. You have increased self esteem. You are overall just it's better mental health when there's clear boundaries. And in saying that some people are easier to have clear boundaries with than others.

Some people automatically have appropriate boundaries with each person and then others, you might have to start essentially teaching them your boundaries.

Recognizing the Need for Boundaries

When you notice somebody has poor boundaries, so maybe you're starting to feel resentful or taken advantage of listen to that, notice it and start to recognize, okay, that means that I need to start to set some limits and what works for me and knowing for you what works.

And so maybe it's automatic that you're someone who's a people pleaser. I can relate to that. I tend to be. And so I have to, I've had to, and it doesn't mean I've figured it out by any means, but it does mean I'm working on it. And to say no to things or just say, actually, that doesn't really work for me.

This works for me. Or if I need more time to think about if it works for me, Hey, let me think about that and get back to you.

How to Establish Boundaries

And so when you're establishing these boundaries, you're really looking inwards and figuring out what you need, what works for you and also what you want. And then it's communicating those boundaries to that person.

You're communicating them assertively. You're not, of course, being aggressive. You're just being Direct and clear. And then, if you're dealing with somebody who doesn't have the best boundaries in general, you've got to be then consistent with them of maintaining those appropriate and healthy boundaries for yourself, because the reality, unfortunately, is that if we're inconsistent with someone who doesn't have the best boundaries, we will then go back to feeling resentful and not cared for and wanting to just distance ourselves.

So in some ways. often training somebody to do that. And I think again, this can happen in all of our types of relationships. I think sometimes families are the ones we think of first because we've become so habituated to what their boundaries are from growing up with our family.

And so it takes us sometimes time to be unwind and realize actually, that doesn't feel good or that I don't want that to be anymore. And so then it's, like you're training somebody, but you're having to retrain them when you've been one way for 25, 35 years. So that can be really challenging. And that's where consistency is huge.

Dealing with Boundary Pushbacks

And so in saying all of that, there can be boundary pushbacks. People getting frustrated with you, getting mad at you, not understanding, you've been one way this whole time. Why are you now being this other way? It can be jarring for people, so I think having some empathy around that too of, if, you've been operating one way for however many years and then all of a sudden you're flipping the script and you're changing that narrative.

It is going to be challenging for someone to understand, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. It just means you've got to now learn how to handle that resistance, staying firm, staying compassionate. It doesn't mean inflexible, rigid boundaries. It can be boundaries that are compromises and that you are negotiating what works for them and what works for you.

But always go back to the self reflection piece of, is this compromise okay for me or am I just compromising because I can't handle the resistance.

Maintaining and Adjusting Boundaries

So check ins are really helpful, when you're maintaining and adjusting these boundaries. You're checking in with yourself. Maybe you're checking in with the person to and figuring out, having that reflection, having that insight of what works for you. Being adaptable can be really helpful to changes and knowing that relationships grow and change.

And that's totally appropriate and that you're allowed to do that.

So in conclusion, with all of this boundary setting and having your own boundaries, is a necessary part of life. For some of us, it's easier than others. For some of us, it is harder. And it starts with that self reflection piece, that checking in of what's working for you.

Am I feeling exhausted by this person? Am I feeling disrespected by them? Is this a continual pattern that I'm noticing? If so, I've got to start setting some boundaries and I've got to start setting emotional boundaries, time boundaries, and I've got to do that in a compassionate way and a way that works for me, but is also consistent and appropriate.

And relationships are such a integral part of our lives and our happiness and our contentness and well being. And so the more you can have healthy boundaries, the healthier and happier you will be in all of these types of relationships. And at Therapy Now SF, we work with people in relationships all the time.

That's another one of our main categories that people come in with. And again, it's relationships of all type: romantic, familial, friendship, and professional. And being able to discuss with a neutral third party and someone who is an expert in what boundaries can look like and helping you sometimes give you the words of what you can say to somebody else.

That's something our therapists are really great at doing and therapists in general are really great at doing. And reaching out to somebody if you're really struggling with what boundaries look like, it's okay to reach out, past your own circle, to figure out what's needed for you.

Let's talk about the impact of narcissism in the workplace and strategies for management and coworkers. Narcissistic personality disorder, I feel like it's a little buzzy right now. And that's fine because I think our culture has developed where a lot of people have some characteristics of narcissism. But that doesn't mean they qualify for the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

But in saying that it's okay to be able to know for yourself how to work with somebody who maybe is showing some of these traits and characteristics. So I'm going to talk about it in a general sense, and then also with somebody who maybe does actually have that diagnosis. And when you're working with somebody who has some narcissistic traits it's challenging whether they're above you, equal to you, or you're managing them.

And the receiving end can have a lot of negative mental health impact, for yourself. And when you leave the workplace and you questioning yourself. So it's important to be able to know how to manage that for yourself and how to manage the person, essentially, how to work with them.

Recognizing Narcissistic Behaviors in the Workplace

Some of the characteristics are a need for admiration, a lack of empathy, a tendency to belittle others, gaslighting can be common, making others feel less than. In team dynamics, or if someone's above you, it's really challenging, obviously, if someone's above you, and they're doing this, it can totally disrupt team cohesion, communication, workplace atmosphere, it can erode trust, and your ability to feel comfortable and safe to take risks, to be able to be yourself, essentially, authentic self.

Consequences of Unchecked Narcissism

It can decrease your job satisfaction, it increases stress, it can make you have self doubt, it can chip away at your own self esteem. There's challenges to productivity, decision making processes and, in general project outcomes.

Strategies for Management

Let's get into some management strategies. Let's start with setting boundaries. So boundaries are important for everybody whether it's narcissistic tendencies or not.

Setting clear boundaries looks like being able to express what you need, being able to say no to things, being able to appropriately say what doesn't work for you, how something even makes you feel. And, even like very basic, a boss that is showing these tendencies, wants you to consistently stay late or work later from home and, maybe every once in a while that can work for you or it's appropriate you have a project, but if this is a continual thing, or they're calling you on weekends or any of those it can be you explicitly saying, "I'm working between these hours, I can get back to you at this time," or maybe even not responding. My recommendation is always being communicative up front. If those boundaries aren't accepted or respected, then it maybe looks like not responding until, you're back in the office at 9am. Whatever.

Some other ways are, giving constructive feedback, ways that are clear and specific. Saying something like, "when we were in the team meeting this morning, when you said blank, it didn't feel constructive to me. It felt like you were putting me down. And I think in the future it'd be helpful if you gave me similar feedback and it could look like this."

And you're not attacking somebody. You're really talking about their behavior. You're not saying, you did this, you always make me feel blah, blah, blah, because of your personality. No, none of that. It is focusing on the behavior.

And then another piece would be being very Specific about what your role is.

And if it can be common that again, someone, I think one of the most challenging if someone's above you really, because that is a lack of power, right? Being able to explicitly say, " my role is this, it seems like so and so, maybe that would be more appropriate for them to do this other piece of the project."

Coping Strategies for Co-Workers

So some coping strategies when you're having to deal with someone who's displaying these characteristics is, maintaining some professional distance, protecting your own emotional health, it might mean you aren't as vulnerable with them about your personal life because maybe they use that against you or don't make you feel respected in what you're telling them.

So effective communication, like strategies that we talked before are if maybe somebody easily gets emotionally heated or things escalate, you're going to want to deescalate that situation by talking calmly in a low voice and not trying to trigger what's going on for them.

Lastly, and this is always an option, is to seek out extra support, and maybe that means trusted colleagues or, if needed, human resources. And I don't think that has to be a last resort. I think that can be, I would recommend trying some of the other things that we've just talked about, but it is totally appropriate to do either of those if it is become a toxic work environment for you.

Building a Supportive Work Environment

Building a supportive work environment. One of the best ways to do that is to promote empathy. Empathy is a great way to mitigate narcissistic behaviors. It's also just a great way to have a good work environment, but one of the ways to deal with somebody that has some narcissistic behaviors is, to give them empathy while at the same time setting your boundaries and having effective communication.

If you're in a position to train managers or other colleagues, I think it can be helpful to talk about different personality types and ways to have an inclusive work environment and ways to work with people that have diverse ways of doing things.

And having regular reviews can be really helpful, and that can be a way to give feedback that maybe doesn't feel as scary in the one-on-one process. You're still doing all the effective communication of focusing on behavior and being clear and direct, but it can be less scary than having a one-on-one.

Being Prepared

Narcissistic behaviors in the workplace are challenging. The reality is most of us will see it in some capacity. So having an expectation that is probably going to happen, get that support that you need from colleagues or outside colleagues, being able to express how it makes you feel to them, then having communication with the person in general, having empathy towards them while setting appropriate boundaries, talking about their behavior and what it was like for you.

And having even the awareness to know It's not you and you're not personalizing it. It is the person and their challenges and being able to have some distance between that.

Reach Out to a Professional

At Therapy Now SF, we work with a lot of people that have a lot of work stress. That's one of our main complaints that people come in wanting to work on. And sometimes it has to do with someone that they're working with or above them has narcissistic behaviors.

Sometimes it doesn't. But it can still be helpful to talk about all these different personality types. The best way to respond to somebody, not react to them, but to respond to them. And at Therapy Now SF, our therapists are very skilled at helping with those communication in that boundary setting.

How do we choose a therapist in San Francisco? This is a question that many people ask me, and at Therapy Now SF, the way we go about it is I'm the first point of contact, and I assess what's going on symptom wise, what's bringing you into therapy right now, and then from there I think of our therapists and their personality styles, their different theories they use, and ways of being and engagement and everything, and then I sort of sorta match them.

Let's get into the details of when you are looking for a therapist and what that can look like.

First off, I would say, take your time. There's no rush. You can, most if not all, almost all, I would say therapists offer a free, like a 15 minute sort of phone consultation or video consultation so you can get a feel of somebody of who they are and their personality and see if you click.

In San Francisco specifically, there's such a variety of people, of cultures, of therapeutic approaches, of just the different schools they've been to. There's such a plethora, which is wonderful, but it can also be a little bit overwhelming.

Assess Your Needs

 So start with assessing what your needs are.

So what do you want to achieve with therapy? You can think about what your symptoms are like maybe you're struggling with some anxiety. You feel nervous. Often you worry a lot. You're in your head. You are ruminating about different things. That can translate into the everyday mundane.

It can also translate into work and your relationships. So if that's something you're going through, think of, what you're wanting to work on around that anxiety. Then if you want, you can, you don't have to do this, but you can also look into different therapy types. So you could do this by, just simply Googling, what's effective for managing anxiety.

You can look at what's evidence based, or you can look at what people have found helpful in the past such as, cognitive behavioral therapy is really popular for managing anxiety, but it's also not the only way to go. There's ways that somatic interventions are really helpful for anxiety or narrative therapy is really helpful.

And what the research actually shows, the literature shows, is that what's most important is not necessarily the theories a therapist uses, it is the relationship you build with the therapist. And so really keeping that in mind when you are talking to potential therapists.

Research Potential Therapists

 When you're looking into therapists, you can look into their qualifications and their credentials.

There's different types of licensures. There's LCSW, which stands for Licensed Clinical Social Worker, MFT or LMFT, which is Licensed Master's Family Therapist, a PhD or a PsyD, which is a doctoral in psychology. My personal sort of feelings around this degree can matter or cannot matter.

So much of it again is personality and compatibility and connection with your therapist and their experience with what you're wanting to work on. And how that experience aligns with your needs and sort of your values in life.

Consider Logistical Factors

 So then you want to consider some logistical factors.

Are you wanting telehealth? Are you wanting video sessions, phone sessions, or are you wanting in person? And then, even like deeper into the logistics, if you are wanting in person, make life a little bit easier for yourself. Maybe get somebody who works close to where you live or where you work.

You wanna decrease as many barriers as possible to get to therapy. But at the same time, if you find the right fit across town could be worth it.

And you're going to find out their availability. What is their scheduling look like? What times work for you?

You're going to look into your insurance and what the fees are. Some insurance companies will have a list of in network therapists. Others will be what's considered out of network, an out of network provider. And so they will be what we call private pay or self pay. The landscape has really changed in the past even five years where a lot of insurance companies are reimbursing for an out of network provider.

And that's huge. And that reimbursement rate can be anywhere from 50 to 80%. But the way to find that out is you have to directly call your insurance and find out what your plan does. Most therapists can't really tell you, what your Blue Shield Blue Cross specific plan will have.

In fact, they shouldn't tell you because every plan is different. So you need to find that out, do a little legwork for yourself.

 Check Reviews and Testimonials

 So then another piece is check their reviews and testimonials. The one challenge with getting reviews and testimonials, as a therapist, as I can tell you, is that one, ethically, legally, we actually can't ask our current or former clients for them.

So it has to be totally voluntary and therapy is private and confidential. So a lot of people don't want to be vulnerable and say they're going to therapy, there's still stigma, unfortunately around therapy. That can be helpful. Or if you have a friend who's been to a therapist, you can think of maybe seeing them.

That can be helpful unless you maybe want some space between your friend and your friend's therapist. And so maybe that therapist can recommend somebody for you.

Assess Your Comfort Level

 So then what I talked about earlier is you want to schedule that consultation. And take your time. Think of maybe some questions you want to ask. And think of the compatibility. Talking to them, do you feel safe with them? Do you feel like you can open up? Do you feel like you can be vulnerable? Do you feel like they're not going to judge you? Those like basic, basic ground level is extremely important because this is a person you're going to be talking to about possibly your deepest secrets, things that maybe you struggle to share with friends and family and you want to make sure this therapist can handle that and make you feel like you want to keep opening up.

I would say one of the last things is really trust your gut. Sometimes we can talk to somebody and we can't pinpoint why it just doesn't feel right.

And so you don't have to put words to that. You can just let yourself know something about that conversation didn't feel right to me. So I want to move on. Sometimes what I even encourage potential clients to do is if something does feel good over that consultation, schedule that first session.

You're never forced to continue for the rest of your life with that therapist. You can go, test it out for three sessions, I would say. And then if it's feeling great, continue. If it's feeling like something's off, or maybe you can pinpoint what's off, then move on, find another therapist.

In conclusion, take your time, trust your gut, have those conversations, talk to your friends or family about maybe how that conversation went. Again, do you feel safe? Can you be vulnerable? Can you open up? Can you build a relationship? Again, that relationship piece is huge. And that is the best predictor of feeling better, of achieving your goals, and of making the progress that you want to make.

So let's talk about understanding and addressing gaslighting. I think this is a term that in the past, I would say five years, I have clients talk about once a week. And often it's talked about in terms of maybe a partner that my client is worried is narcissistic. And so I want to clarify a few things before I even get into gaslighting. First off, not everybody is narcissistic.

I think that's also become a really buzzy common personality trait that people are saying, or it's really a symptomology. And those that have some narcissistic traits almost always do gaslight. So there is that. So let's, let's just get into it.

Identifying Gaslighting

 Let's just talk about what gaslighting is. So it's a form of psychological manipulation.

Specifically what that means is it's making a person question their sanity, their reality, their perception, or their reasoning.

This can happen in a friendship, this can happen in a intimate relationship, this can happen at work, this can happen anywhere, this can happen at the grocery store.

It can be like denying what somebody said, or that an event even took place, or that their perception of the event is wrong. And if you've ever been on the other side of this, which most of us had at some point, it's infuriating on that end, on your end, if you're being gaslit. It's invalidating.

It can bring up anger and rage and feelings of sadness and can bring up childhood stuff, bring up a lot of stuff. So, if you're in a, you know, say friendship, a close friendship, or with a partner and they're doing this a lot, then it's going to have a massive impact on your mental health. And also start to question your perception of reality which can really, be damaging for somebody.

The Psychology Behind Gaslighting

 So, what's the psychology behind gaslighting? Why do people gaslight others and and some of the power dynamics involved? It can be... be a lot of things. Some of the things that can be are:

• Someone's trying to maintain control in the relationship.

• It can be a matter of not having trust in a relationship.

• It can be someone acting out trauma they experienced, say, growing up or in past relationships.

• It can be a form of self esteem, lack of self esteem.

So there's a lot of reasons why someone does this and why it happens and sometimes some people know they're doing it. Sometimes they don't even know they're doing it. Both are difficult to deal with.

How to Respond to Gaslighting

 How do you respond to gaslighting? So I think this is, this is probably the toughest part. A lot of it has to do with first, if you start to identify it, one thing you can do is, well, talk to your therapist about it. If you're seeing some, a therapist, if you're not maybe a trusted friend.

If it's your friend that's gaslighting you, talk to another friend, someone that you do trust, that you trust their perception of the world and their reality of the world, that you trust that they know you well, and maybe explain to them the scenario, and try to explain that scenario in the most factual way possible of stating what the other person said and really trying to leave the emotions out of it.

Another way if things are really bad and, and I hope for somebody, it's not really this bad, but if it is, if you have, you know, intense conversations with somebody right afterwards, write down what each person said.

And that way, if the conversation comes back up later on, you actually literally have documented notes. Again, that is if something is really, really bad. And so I hope that's not the case.

So once you've identified that, yes, this is some gaslighting behavior, you need to protect yourself. You need to set boundaries.

You need to speak directly. And if it's really bad, maybe consider what that relationship is serving you compared to the mental anguish it's giving you. And seeking support, whether that's family, friends, and or a therapist.

Healing from Gaslighting

 So ways to heal from gaslighting. It's going to be a lot of rebuilding one's self esteem. Rebuilding your perception of reality.

Having healthy, good relationships where people validate your feelings, your experiences. Professional help is always really helpful with that. You have an unbiased third party who can really give it to you straight of what they're seeing and what's going on.

So in conclusion of all of this. It's helpful to have awareness of what gaslighting is. To be able to identify what's going on. To maybe understand what is the psychology around why someone might do this. And how to respond to gaslighting. And then to really take care of yourself if it's happening. And to really evaluate that relationship. And not all relationships are meant to last. That means friendship or whatever, intimate relationship. And so really doing an audit of your relationships and figuring out the healthy quality relationships that are in your life.

It can be a great way to go about this because you have a professional who's helping you really dissect and figure out what's going on.

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

We're exploring how to be happy in a relationship, which is a significant topic for many. There's a common misconception that being in an intimate relationship automatically means you should be happy. Initially, most are familiar with the honeymoon stage, where everything feels blissfully perfect, and dopamine levels surge, enhancing happiness. But as time passes and we get to know each other better, seeing each other's faults and facing conflicts, the reality sets in, making the relationship feel more real and often more challenging.

Communication is Key

Communication is everything in a relationship. It's widely acknowledged as challenging but crucial. Effective communication involves being open and honest. The most important aspect, I believe, is active listening. It's beneficial to use "I" statements, focus on expressing your feelings, and employ non-blaming language. However, it's equally vital for your partner to actively listen, validate what you're saying, and not just wait for their turn to speak. A technique I recommend to couples and individuals is to repeat back what the other person has said in your own words to ensure understanding. This can slow down the conversation and might be a bit annoying, but it leads to much better outcomes. Effective conflict resolution also includes taking breaks when discussions get too heated, especially if emotions might lead to regrettable statements.

Maintaining Independence

Maintaining some independence is another key to happiness in a relationship. It's natural to experience some codependency in romantic relationships, which often gets a bad rap. However, Dr. Susan Johnson, a leading couples therapist, talks about a healthy codependence while also maintaining independence. Balancing shared interests and activities with individual pursuits and maintaining separate friendships are essential. It’s about keeping a sense of self, ensuring your ideas and values remain intact and are positively influenced by your partner in healthy ways.

Practicing Appreciation and Gratitude

Practicing appreciation and gratitude is crucial, yet often overlooked in the hustle of daily life. Simple gestures like thanking your partner for picking up groceries or doing dishes can significantly impact their feelings of being valued. Such acknowledgments are not only affirming but also encourage more helpful behaviors, reinforcing positive interactions within the relationship.

Fostering Intimacy and Connection

Fostering intimacy and connection is vital, especially over time. This can be through regular date nights, shared activities, or new experiences together. It's essential to plan these moments because daily life's busyness tends to get in the way. Remembering to incorporate physical touch, whether initiated by you or your partner, is also crucial in maintaining a close connection.

Handling Challenges Together

Viewing yourselves as a team is critical when facing challenges. Supporting each other and showing empathy during tough times can make handling life's hurdles much easier than when you're alone. Remember, teamwork doesn't just help in overcoming difficulties; it also strengthens the bond between partners.

Conclusion

In summary, key components to happiness in a relationship include effective communication, maintaining independence while being interdependent, practicing appreciation, fostering intimacy, and handling challenges together. Learning about each other’s backgrounds, needs, and how to meet in the middle can also enhance understanding and respect within the relationship. All these elements contribute to growing together and supporting each other to be the best versions of yourselves.

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

Let's talk about how to be happy at work. How important is it to find happiness at work? We're at work a lot of hours of our day, of our week, of our life. Job satisfaction, in general, is going to contribute to our overall well-being, our overall state of happiness and contentedness.

Identifying What Makes You Happy at Work

What are some things that make you happy at work? That's where you start. You want to identify for yourself what brings you satisfaction versus the things that don't bring you satisfaction, and that's going to be different for everybody. It really is being self-reflective and trying to figure out what works for you.

And in doing that, some of the questions you can ask yourself are what is my passion, what do I feel my purpose is both in life? And then how does that translate to what is my purpose at work? What do I gain value from, what brings me meaning? And then from there, also personal growth.

We know that personal growth gives us a lot of satisfaction, especially in our jobs. So, that is another huge piece of where can I grow? Why is that important to me? Ask yourself a lot of why questions, why is this my passion? Why is this my purpose? And then digging even deeper from there.

Building Positive Relationships at Work

Another way to be happy at work is to build positive relationships. We are social beings. We need connection. Even if you're someone who considers yourself more introverted, that doesn't mean you don't need quality connections. It might mean you need less than an extrovert, but you're going to need those quality relationships.

And maybe that's even just one. And if you're extroverted, of course, you probably want a lot of those relationships at work. So, finding those colleagues that are supportive, that listen to you, that validate you, that you have fun with, that you can go to lunch with, take a walk with, or maybe even grab a happy hour drink with.

Creating a Positive Work Environment

Creating a positive work environment can involve simple things like personalizing your workspace to reflect your personality and interests. Ensuring you have a work-life balance and setting healthy boundaries is crucial, particularly in work cultures that may not initially support this. It's about making space for well-being and recharging.

Facing Challenges Positively

Facing challenges at work is inevitable, but viewing them as growth opportunities is key. Being resilient, flexible, and adaptable in the face of change and challenges keeps you engaged and helps in personal and professional development.

Seeking Growth and Development

Seeking continuous personal and professional development is crucial for job satisfaction. Set goals aligned with your personal values that are realistic and attainable. This pursuit of growth not only improves your skills but also keeps you motivated and fulfilled in your work.

Conclusion

In summary, happiness at work involves identifying what brings satisfaction, fostering positive relationships, creating a supportive work environment, facing challenges with resilience, and continuously pursuing personal and professional growth. Reflecting on how your work aligns with your personal values can transform your professional experience into one that is not only bearable, but joyful and fulfilling.

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

The decision to end a relationship is never easy. It's a journey fraught with emotional complexities and the potential for pain on both sides. Understanding how to navigate this difficult decision can make the process more manageable and respectful. This guide aims to provide compassionate and practical advice for those facing this challenging transition.

“Breaking up is a profound life change that requires courage, honesty, and sensitivity”

Knowing When It's Time to Break Up

Recognizing the signs that a relationship has run its course is the first step. Persistent feelings of unhappiness, fundamental differences in values or life goals, and a breakdown in communication can all indicate that it might be time to part ways. It's essential to reflect deeply and honestly about whether these issues are surmountable or if they signal a deeper incompatibility.

Preparing for the Breakup

Once the decision is made, preparing yourself mentally and emotionally is crucial. Consider the timing, setting, and how you'll communicate your feelings in a way that is clear, compassionate, and respectful. Planning this conversation in advance can help ensure that you express yourself effectively and reduce the potential for unnecessary hurt.

Having the Breakup Conversation

• Be Direct and Honest: Clearly state your feelings and the reasons for your decision without being overly harsh or critical.

• Use “I” Statements: Focus on your feelings and experiences rather than placing blame.

• Be Prepared for Their Reaction: Your partner may feel shocked, upset, or angry. Try to remain calm and empathetic, allowing them space to process their emotions.

• Offer Clarity: Avoid giving false hope if you're certain of your decision. Clarity can help both parties move forward more definitively.

Dealing with the Aftermath

The period following a breakup can be one of intense emotion and adjustment. Prioritize self-care and seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. It’s normal to feel a range of emotions, and allowing yourself to grieve the loss is a healthy part of the healing process.

Moving On

Moving on from a relationship involves both healing from the past and looking forward to the future. Engage in activities and hobbies that you enjoy, reconnect with yourself and your interests, and gradually, you'll find the strength to open yourself up to new experiences and opportunities.

Conclusion

Breaking up is a profound life change that requires courage, honesty, and sensitivity. It's about ending one chapter of your life with respect and dignity, for both yourself and your partner, and laying the groundwork for future growth and happiness. At Therapy Now SF, we understand the complexities involved in ending a relationship and offer guidance and support to help individuals navigate this challenging process. Remember, it's okay to seek help during this time, and taking steps towards healing and self-discovery can lead to new beginnings and personal growth.

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

In the bustling rhythm of modern life, finding moments of peace and presence can be challenging. Mindfulness, a practice rooted in ancient traditions and validated by contemporary psychology, offers a path to achieving a deeper sense of calm and clarity. At Therapy Now SF, we integrate mindfulness into therapy to enhance mental well-being, fostering a connection between mind, body, and spirit.

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and engaged in the moment, aware of our thoughts and feelings without judgment. It's about observing our inner and outer experiences with acceptance, compassion, and curiosity. This practice helps break the cycle of automatic, reactive thoughts and behaviors, leading to greater emotional regulation and self-awareness.

Benefits of Mindfulness in Therapy

Mindfulness in therapy has shown remarkable benefits, including reducing symptoms of anxiety, depression, and stress. It aids in improving concentration, enhancing resilience, and fostering a greater capacity for empathy and compassion. By cultivating mindfulness, individuals can develop a more compassionate and understanding relationship with themselves and others.

Mindfulness Techniques Used in Therapy

Several mindfulness techniques can be seamlessly incorporated into therapeutic practice:

• Meditation: Guided or silent meditation helps quiet the mind and focus attention, teaching patience and acceptance.

• Breathing Exercises: Focused breathing techniques can help center thoughts and reduce anxiety, promoting relaxation.

• Body Scans: This technique involves mentally scanning the body for areas of tension and relaxation, encouraging a mindful connection with physical sensations.

Case Studies and Research

Empirical studies support the efficacy of mindfulness in therapy. Participants in mindfulness-based therapy programs often report significant improvements in mental health outcomes, including decreased symptoms of psychological distress and enhanced quality of life.

Integrating Mindfulness into Daily Life

Beyond the therapy session, mindfulness can be a valuable tool for daily living. Simple practices such as mindful eating, walking, or even engaging in routine activities with full attention can extend the benefits of mindfulness into every aspect of life.

Conclusion

Mindfulness in therapy offers a powerful approach to enhancing mental health and well-being. By fostering a mindful presence, individuals can navigate life's challenges with greater ease and resilience. At Therapy Now SF, we are committed to incorporating mindfulness practices into our therapeutic approach, empowering our clients to live more fully engaged and emotionally balanced lives. Through mindfulness, we can find a path to inner peace, improved mental health, and a deeper connection to the world around us.

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

In our quest for happiness, we often find ourselves navigating a complex emotional landscape. At Therapy Now SF, we understand that happiness is not a one-size-fits-all concept but a deeply personal journey. This blog explores the multifaceted nature of happiness and offers insights into achieving a state of enduring contentment.

“Our happiness is deeply intertwined with the quality of our relationships”

Understanding Happiness:

Happiness transcends fleeting moments of joy, embodying a state of well-being characterized by meaning, satisfaction, and a profound sense of fulfillment. It's a harmonious balance between life's pleasures and a deep-seated contentment with one’s life as a whole. Recognizing happiness as both a journey and a destination allows us to appreciate the steps we take toward it.

Factors Influencing Happiness:

Happiness is influenced by a mix of external and internal factors. External factors include our relationships, career, and the environment we live in. Internal factors encompass our mindset, health, and personal goals. Achieving happiness often requires a balance between seeking fulfillment from the world around us and cultivating our inner well-being.

Practical Tips for Cultivating Happiness:

1. Setting Realistic Goals: Goals give direction and meaning to our lives. Therapy Now SF encourages setting achievable objectives and celebrating every victory, no matter its size, to foster a sense of accomplishment and joy.

2. Practicing Gratitude: Adopting a gratitude practice can significantly alter our perception of life. Focusing on what we have, rather than what we lack, cultivates a positive mindset and enhances our overall well-being.

3. Building Meaningful Relationships: Our happiness is deeply intertwined with the quality of our relationships. Investing in supportive and uplifting connections can provide a strong foundation for lasting happiness.

4. Finding Flow: Engaging in activities that challenge and immerse us fully can lead to a state of "flow," where time seems to stand still, providing deep satisfaction and joy.

5. Identifying Your Values: By understanding what we value, we prioritize what is meaningful and what we find fulfilling. It helps brings clarity into how we want to spend our time.

Overcoming Obstacles to Happiness:

Life is full of ups and downs, and facing challenges is inevitable. Dealing with negative emotions, managing stress and anxiety, and overcoming setbacks are all part of the journey. Understanding that happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them effectively, is key.

Seeking Help When Needed:

For those times when happiness seems elusive, reaching out for professional support can be a crucial step. Therapy Now SF offers a compassionate space to explore personal challenges, providing the tools and guidance needed to navigate the path toward happiness.

Happiness is a deeply personal yet universally sought-after state. By understanding its complex nature and actively working towards it, we can enhance our quality of life. The therapists at Therapy Now SF is here to support you on this journey, offering insights, strategies, and professional guidance to help you find and maintain your happiness. Remember, the pursuit of happiness is not just about the destination but the journey itself. Embrace it with intention and support.

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

Arguments in relationships are often viewed negatively, but when approached correctly, they can strengthen bonds rather than weaken them. Arguing well is an art that involves expressing yourself effectively, listening actively, and finding common ground. It's about turning conflicts into opportunities for growth and understanding. Here’s how you can master the art of arguing well in your relationships.

“say ‘I feel hurt when…’ instead of ‘You always hurt me by…’”

Understanding Healthy Arguments

Healthy arguments are not about winning or losing; they are about understanding and resolving differences. They involve discussing issues openly and respectfully, without causing harm or resentment. The goal is to reach a better understanding of each other and find solutions that work for both partners.

Key Principles of Arguing Well

1. Stay Focused on the Issue: Keep the argument centered on the specific issue at hand. Avoid bringing up past grievances or unrelated topics.

2. Listen Actively: Truly listen to what your partner is saying instead of planning your counterargument. Active listening shows that you respect their perspective and are engaged in finding a resolution.

3. Use “I” Statements: Express your feelings and thoughts using “I” statements. This reduces the likelihood of your partner feeling attacked and becoming defensive. For example, say “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always hurt me by…”

4. Control Emotions: It's natural for emotions to run high during an argument, but try to keep them in check. If you feel too overwhelmed, take a break and resume the discussion when you’re calmer.

5. Avoid Blame and Name-Calling: Blaming and derogatory language escalate the argument and hurt feelings. Focus on the behavior or issue, not the person.

6. Seek to Understand, Not to Win: The purpose of the argument should be to understand each other's perspectives and reach a solution, not to win.

Strategies for Arguing Well

1. Prepare Your Thoughts: If possible, think about what you want to say beforehand. This can help you articulate your thoughts more clearly and avoid miscommunication.

2. Find Common Ground: Look for areas of agreement. This can provide a foundation for resolving your differences.

3. Respect Each Other’s Views: Acknowledge that your partner’s viewpoint is valid, even if you disagree with it. Respectful disagreement is key to healthy arguing.

4. Work Towards a Solution: Focus on finding a solution that is acceptable to both parties. It may involve compromise or finding a creative solution that addresses both of your needs.

5. Know When to Agree to Disagree: Sometimes, you may not reach a consensus, and that’s okay. Agreeing to disagree can be a healthy outcome, provided both partners feel heard and respected.

6. Reflect Post-Argument: After the argument, reflect on what happened. Discuss what you learned and how you can handle future disagreements more effectively.

Remember, arguing well is a skill that can be developed over time. At Therapy Now SF, we believe that through effective communication and mutual respect, couples can turn arguments into opportunities for growth and deepening understanding. Learning to argue well is not just about resolving conflicts; it's about nurturing a relationship where both partners feel valued and heard.

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. It's not just about talking, but about understanding, empathizing, and connecting. Healthy communication fosters a strong foundation for relationships, helping partners navigate through the highs and lows with mutual respect and understanding. Here's a guide to mastering healthy communication in your relationships.

Understanding Healthy Communication

Healthy communication goes beyond mere words. It involves the way we speak, listen, respond, and understand each other. It's about expressing yourself clearly and respectfully, while also being open to listen and understand your partner's perspective. This balance is essential for building trust, resolving conflicts, and deepening emotional connections.

Key Elements of Healthy Communication

1. Active Listening: This means truly hearing what your partner is saying, without planning your response or judging their words. It's about being fully present in the conversation, showing interest, and seeking to understand their perspective.

2. Clarity and Honesty: Being clear and honest in your communication avoids misunderstandings. It's important to express your thoughts, feelings, needs, and concerns openly and respectfully.

3. Non-Verbal Cues: Much of communication is non-verbal. Pay attention to body language, eye contact, and tone of voice, both in your partner and in yourself, as these can convey volumes beyond words.

4. Empathy: Empathy involves putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and understanding their feelings. It's a crucial part of responding in a way that acknowledges and respects their perspective.

5. Respect: Even in disagreements, maintaining respect is key. Avoid name-calling, yelling, or belittling. Respectful communication fosters a safe space for both partners to express themselves.

6. Conflict Resolution: Healthy communication is vital in resolving conflicts. This involves being willing to find a middle ground, admitting when you’re wrong, and working together towards a solution.

Practicing Healthy Communication

1. Use “I” Statements: Instead of blaming or accusing, use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, "I feel upset when..." instead of "You always make me upset."

2. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond: Focus on understanding your partner’s point of view before crafting your response.

3. Avoid Assumptions: Don’t assume you know what your partner is thinking or feeling. Ask questions to clarify and understand their perspective.

4. Take Timeouts if Needed: If emotions are running high, it’s okay to take a break from the conversation and revisit it when both partners are calmer.

5. Practice Empathy: Try to understand your partner’s feelings and perspective, even if you don’t agree with them.

6. Acknowledge and Validate: Acknowledge your partner's feelings and validate their experiences. This doesn’t mean you have to agree, but it shows you respect their perspective.

Healthy communication is not innate; it’s a skill that can be learned and improved upon. It requires ongoing effort and practice. At Therapy Now SF, we understand the challenges and rewards of effective communication within relationships. We offer guidance and support to help individuals and couples develop these vital skills, enhancing their connections and enriching their relationships. Remember, the quality of your communication can transform the quality of your relationship.

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

Co-dependency, a term often heard in the context of relationships, describes a pattern of behavior where one partner excessively relies on the other for approval, identity, and self-worth. Initially used to describe dynamics in relationships involving substance abuse, co-dependency is now recognized more broadly as a dysfunctional relationship pattern. Here’s an exploration of co-dependency, its signs, and steps to overcome it.

Understanding Co-dependency

Co-dependency arises when one partner, often feeling a lack of self-worth, becomes emotionally and psychologically reliant on their partner. This reliance often leads to neglecting their own needs in favor of their partner’s, creating an unhealthy dynamic. The co-dependent individual might believe that their worth is contingent upon their ability to meet the needs of their partner, often at a great personal cost.

Signs of Co-dependency

Recognizing co-dependency in a relationship can be challenging, especially since these patterns often develop gradually. Some common signs include:

• Low Self-Esteem: Feeling unworthy or valuing others’ opinions more than your own.

• People-Pleasing Behavior: Constantly trying to please or appease the partner, often ignoring personal boundaries.

• Fear of Abandonment: An overwhelming fear of being left alone, leading to clingy or needy behavior.

• Difficulty in Making Decisions: Struggling to make decisions without seeking reassurance or approval from the partner.

• Need for Control: An attempt to control situations to avoid change or unpredictability, often rooted in deep-seated anxiety.

Poor Boundaries: Difficulty in recognizing where your needs and emotions end and your partner’s begin.

The Impact of Co-dependency

Co-dependency can lead to an imbalance in the relationship, with one partner assuming the role of a caretaker, often at the expense of their own emotional well-being. This imbalance can lead to resentment, stress, and even emotional or physical health issues. The co-dependent person might neglect their own needs, interests, and aspirations, leading to a loss of self-identity.

Overcoming Co-dependency

Breaking free from co-dependent behaviors requires self-awareness, courage, and often professional guidance. Here are some steps to start the journey:

1. Self-Reflection: Begin by acknowledging co-dependent patterns in your relationship. Understanding your behaviors and motivations is a crucial first step.

2. Seek Professional Help: Therapy can be invaluable in addressing co-dependency. A therapist can help you understand the roots of your behaviors, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and rebuild your sense of self.

3. Set Healthy Boundaries: Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries. This involves understanding your limits and communicating them clearly to your partner.

4. Self-Care and Self-Validation: Focus on your own needs and practice self-care. Learn to validate yourself, rather than relying on your partner for your sense of worth.

5. Develop Independence: Engage in activities independently, pursue personal interests, and foster relationships outside of your partnership.

6. Communication: Open and honest communication with your partner about your needs, feelings, and the changes you’re trying to implement is essential.

Overcoming co-dependency isn’t easy, but it’s a journey worth taking for the sake of your emotional and relational health. Remember, you deserve a relationship where you can be your own person and still be loved and valued. Therapy Now SF is here to support you every step of the way, providing the tools and guidance needed to foster healthier, more balanced relationships.

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

In a world where the term "narcissist" is frequently thrown around in casual conversations, it's essential to understand what narcissistic traits actually entail, especially in the context of romantic relationships. Narcissism goes beyond mere vanity or self-absorption. It's a personality disorder that can have profound impacts on relationships. If you're questioning whether your partner might be a narcissist, here are some key signs to look out for.

1. Excessive Need for Admiration

One of the hallmark traits of narcissism is an excessive need for admiration and validation. If your partner seems overly concerned with receiving praise and becomes upset or agitated when they don't receive the attention or admiration they feel they deserve, it could be a sign of narcissistic behavior.

2. Lack of Empathy

Narcissists often have a marked lack of empathy, meaning they struggle to understand or care about the feelings and needs of others. If your partner regularly dismisses your feelings, shows little compassion, or seems indifferent to the emotions of others, this can be a red flag.

3. Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance

A grandiose sense of self-importance is another characteristic of narcissistic personality disorder. Your partner might exaggerate their achievements, talents, or importance, often speaking of themselves in highly inflated terms. They may also fantasize about unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

4. Entitlement and Exploitation

Narcissists often feel entitled to special treatment and have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment. If your partner frequently demands special attention or privileges and gets angry or impatient if they don't get what they want, it's a concerning sign. Additionally, they might exploit others to achieve their own ends, showing little regard for others' needs or feelings.

5. Envy and Belittling Others

Often, narcissists are envious of others or believe others are envious of them. If your partner regularly belittles people they perceive as inferior or seems consumed by jealousy, it’s a warning sign. They might also constantly compare themselves to others in an attempt to maintain a sense of superiority.

6. Fragile Self-Esteem

Despite their outward confidence, narcissists often have a fragile self-esteem and are sensitive to criticism. If your partner reacts negatively to criticism, becomes defensive, or is easily hurt by perceived slights, it could be indicative of underlying narcissistic traits.

7. Manipulative or Controlling Behavior

Narcissists may engage in manipulative or controlling behavior to maintain their sense of superiority and power in the relationship. This can manifest as gaslighting, where they make you question your own reality, or trying to isolate you from friends and family.

Recognizing these signs is the first step in addressing the issue. If you believe your partner may be exhibiting narcissistic behaviors, it’s important to consider the impact on your well-being and relationship. Relationships with narcissists can be emotionally draining and psychologically damaging.

It's also crucial to remember that only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder. If you're concerned about your relationship, consider reaching out to a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and support as you navigate these challenging dynamics. At Therapy Now SF, we are here to help you understand these complexities and work towards healthier relationship patterns.

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is not a spectator sport; it's an engaging, interactive process built on the pillars of feedback and collaboration. In the world of CBT, therapists and clients work as a team, each bringing valuable insight to the table. This dynamic duo of feedback and collaboration is what turns therapy into a transformational journey. Here's how these elements play a crucial role in CBT and why they are essential for therapeutic success.

The Heart of CBT: A Collaborative Effort

CBT is grounded in the therapeutic alliance, the collaborative partnership between therapist and client. This alliance is a fertile ground where change is seeded, nurtured, and cultivated. Unlike more directive forms of therapy, CBT involves the client in every step, from defining goals to identifying patterns and implementing strategies. This collaborative approach ensures that therapy is not done to the client, but with them.

Feedback: The Navigational Compass in CBT

1. Illuminating the Path: Feedback in CBT is a two-way street. Therapists provide insights into clients' progress, highlight areas of growth, and gently guide them towards areas that require more attention. Similarly, clients offer feedback on what's working for them, what isn't, and how they're experiencing the therapeutic process.

2. Adjusting the Course: Just as a ship captain adjusts the sails after checking the compass, therapists and clients use feedback to steer the therapeutic process. This can mean modifying techniques, shifting focus, or trying new approaches.

3. Reinforcing Progress: Positive feedback acts as a reinforcement, encouraging clients to continue applying effective strategies and recognizing their own growth, which can be immensely motivating.

Collaboration: The Keystone of CBT's Structure

1. Equal Partners: In CBT, the therapist and client are seen as equals. The therapist brings professional expertise, but the client is considered the expert on their own life. Together, they create a plan that leverages both types of expertise.

2. Shared Decision Making: From setting goals to selecting techniques, decisions in CBT are made jointly. This ensures that the therapy aligns with the client's values, preferences, and circumstances.

3. Joint Problem Solving: When obstacles arise, therapist and client put their heads together to brainstorm solutions. This not only fosters a sense of ownership for the client but also encourages creative problem-solving.

Challenges and Considerations

While feedback and collaboration are ideal, there can be challenges:

• Differing Expectations: It's crucial to align expectations from the outset and ensure that both parties are clear about their roles in the therapeutic process.

• Communication Barriers: Effective communication is the lifeblood of feedback and collaboration. Both therapist and client must feel comfortable openly sharing thoughts and feelings.

Feedback and collaboration in CBT are like the twin engines propelling a boat forward — they need to work in harmony for the journey to be successful. These elements foster a sense of shared responsibility and active engagement, which are key to effective therapy. CBT, through its collaborative nature, empowers clients, giving them an active role in their healing process and making them co-authors of their own narrative of change.

Remember, in the therapy room, feedback and collaboration are not just strategies; they are the very ethos of CBT, reflecting a profound respect for the client's autonomy and potential. With these pillars firmly in place, therapy moves from being a mere treatment to a journey of mutual discovery and growth.

By Dr. Andrea Zorbas

Navigating the complexities of romantic relationships can often feel like trying to solve a puzzle with missing pieces. With love being as unpredictable as it is, how can one determine if their partner is a good match? This question plagues many, but understanding the right fit goes beyond shared interests and attraction. Here are some vital signs to help you discern if your partner is a good match for you.

Communication is Key

The cornerstone of any robust relationship is communication. When both partners feel heard and understood, it paves the way for a healthy connection. If your partner listens to you, values your opinions, and engages in open and honest dialogue, it's a positive sign. Communication should not just be frequent, but of quality, and it should go both ways. Good communication also means managing conflicts in a healthy way, without resorting to hurtful words or actions.

Respect and Support

Another essential ingredient is respect. If your partner respects you as an individual, your autonomy, your time, and your life outside of the relationship, it's a promising sign. Furthermore, support is not just about being there during the tough times, but also about celebrating successes and encouraging each other's growth and aspirations.

Shared Values and Goals

While it's not necessary to agree on everything, sharing core values and having aligned life goals can significantly contribute to the longevity of a relationship. Whether it’s views on family, career, or personal values, being on the same page helps in creating a shared direction and understanding for the future.

Trust and Security

Feeling secure and trusting in your relationship is non-negotiable. Trust is built over time through consistency and reliability. If you find that you're able to trust your partner and feel secure in your relationship, not just physically but emotionally as well, it's a strong indication of a good match.

Mutual Affection and Intimacy

The spark of physical attraction may be what initially draws two people together, but sustaining a deeper emotional connection is what keeps the relationship going. Intimacy is not just about physical closeness but also about the ability to connect on a deeper emotional level. A partner who is attentive to your needs and desires, and whom you can share affection with openly, is likely a good match.

Individuality and Interdependence

A good partner will not only enjoy spending time with you but will also encourage you to have your own life and interests. Maintaining your individuality and having a sense of interdependence, where you can rely on each other without losing your sense of self, is a healthy balance in a relationship.

Navigating Differences

No two people are the same, and differences are inevitable. A good match doesn't mean a perfect mirror of yourself but rather someone who complements you. It’s about how you navigate these differences, find common ground, and accept each other with all the quirks and imperfections.

In conclusion, determining if your partner is a good match involves introspection and observation. It’s about how you function together as a team. While no relationship is perfect, having a partner who communicates well, respects you, shares your values, offers trust and security, connects with you intimately, maintains their individuality, and navigates differences with understanding is a solid foundation for a promising future together.

Remember, a good match is not just about finding the right person but also about being the right person. Relationships are a two-way street, and it takes mutual effort to make them work. If you find these qualities in your partnership, you're likely on the right track. If you're unsure, consider engaging with a therapist who can provide an objective perspective and help you explore your relationship dynamics more deeply. Therapy Now SF is here to support you in that journey.