The Power of Self-Compassion

Let's talk about the power of self compassion, what self compassion is and how to cultivate it more in your own life.

I think self compassion is something maybe a few years ago was really buzzy, but I think maybe it's not as much in the zeitgeist as it was. It's still incredibly important and something that as a therapist, we're talking to our clients about all the time.

Something I'm trying to remind myself of all the time. It's not the easiest thing to do. And so it's great to continue to make it a conversation.

So what does self compassion mean? It means treating yourself with care and kindness and understanding with empathy. With... I was going to say with compassion, that's obvious.

And realizing that not just everybody else has imperfections, but that we, of course, have imperfections and struggles. And one of the best ways that I try to explain this to clients and even friends and to myself is the empathy you have that you would give to a friend. Turn that back on yourself.

Give it to yourself. That's really, as simple as saying, What would I say to a friend? And then turning on yourself. And sometimes when I think to myself, Oh, how can I be self compassionate? What would I say to myself? My mind goes completely blank. And so then that's when I have to literally say, what would I say to a friend? And then it just rolls off the tongue.

So let's talk a little bit deeper into the components of self compassion. So self kindness, like I mentioned, is treating yourself with understanding and care instead of that harsh judgment. Another piece is having common humanity, recognizing that suffering and personal failure are part of the shared human experience.

They are part of life and keeping that at the forefront of what's going on in context. And then mindfulness. So observing our negative thoughts as they come up. We can't change any of our thoughts or have self-compassion if we're not noticing it at first. And then when you are observing them, you're noticing those feelings with openness and clarity without over-identifying with them.

Benefits of Practicing Self-Compassion

So the benefits of practicing self compassion when we do this, we can start to build emotional resilience. And what that means is we can help ourselves recover quickly from setbacks. The more resilient we become, the more flexible we are, just the easier it is to get through life's day to day challenges.

And when we have massive setbacks or challenges. We'll have overall improved mental health. That one might be obvious. But to be a little more specific is linking that to lower anxiety, depression, and stress. And another piece of improved mental health means we're going to have better relationships.

We're going to be able to support our friends in a better way because we're being kinder to ourselves. So we're feeling better. So we have the emotional bandwidth to be able to support other people. Not just friends, but of course, family members, coworkers, neighbors. Anybody that's in your community, you're going to have more empathy for them because you're having more empathy for yourself.

And then lastly is personal growth so You can pursue your goals without as much fear. Learning is a little bit easier. You're looking at difficult things as more of a challenge, not as a barrier that you can't overcome.

Practical Tips for Cultivating Self-Compassion

When we're practicing mindfulness and engaging in mindfulness exercises, that means being aware of all of your senses. When we're being more mindful, we have an openness and a curiosity into what our thoughts are.

Most of us just operate in autopilot. And so our thoughts are just whizzing by and it's habit and we don't really think twice of it. But when you're practicing mindfulness, you start to tune in to what those thoughts are.

And next one is just, in general, being more kind to yourself. So when those self critical thoughts come up, how can you replace that with more supportive words. And I think the other piece is that sometimes when we have critical self thoughts, we then criticize those thoughts and get mad at ourselves for those thoughts. And and then you're mad at yourself for doing that. And it just becomes like you're stacking on top of each other.

And so instead of that, again, it's this curiosity of ah, you label it. That was a self critical thought. And okay, what would be an alternate way to handle that. And then another piece would be recognizing our common humanity, that everybody struggles, that life is challenging in general, we all suffer in different ways and it doesn't help to be angry at ourselves.

And then lastly would be self compassion exercises. That can look like writing yourself a letter that's more compassionate, or a guided meditation, or reading a book that's maybe a self help book. Any of those things will help self compassion.

And if you're interested in learning more about self compassion, one of the main leading researchers is Dr. Kristin Neff. I actually went to a talk of hers a couple of years ago, and this is what she does.

This is her day in and day out. And she's absolutely incredible in how she phrases these things. And I think one of the things that she talks about is it can feel really cheesy to think of self compassion or that people feel like if they're not hard on themselves and they won't achieve their goals and all this kind of stuff.

And what her research shows is actually, it does the opposite. That when we're very self critical it actually stunts us being able to complete our goals. It stunts how we interact in a relationship. It makes our anxiety and depression worse and all of those things. So there is legit research that shows what self-compassion can do.

And that it doesn't have to be something that's cheesy or overhyped. It can just be something that you're practicing in the day to day. And if you're really having a hard time with even understanding how to do this, that's where talking to a therapist is really helpful. And our therapists at Therapy Now SF try to practice this with themselves like we all do and definitely encourage it. And when working with our clients. So it's something that we're, again, it's just a work in progress. We're all trying. Anybody would be lying if they said they did all the time. And it's just the practice, you just keep going. And it's challenging sometimes and not others. But you keep plugging away.