Understanding and Addressing Gaslighting
So let's talk about understanding and addressing gaslighting. I think this is a term that in the past, I would say five years, I have clients talk about once a week. And often it's talked about in terms of maybe a partner that my client is worried is narcissistic. And so I want to clarify a few things before I even get into gaslighting. First off, not everybody is narcissistic.
I think that's also become a really buzzy common personality trait that people are saying, or it's really a symptomology. And those that have some narcissistic traits almost always do gaslight. So there is that. So let's, let's just get into it.
Identifying Gaslighting
Let's just talk about what gaslighting is. So it's a form of psychological manipulation.
Specifically what that means is it's making a person question their sanity, their reality, their perception, or their reasoning.
This can happen in a friendship, this can happen in a intimate relationship, this can happen at work, this can happen anywhere, this can happen at the grocery store.
It can be like denying what somebody said, or that an event even took place, or that their perception of the event is wrong. And if you've ever been on the other side of this, which most of us had at some point, it's infuriating on that end, on your end, if you're being gaslit. It's invalidating.
It can bring up anger and rage and feelings of sadness and can bring up childhood stuff, bring up a lot of stuff. So, if you're in a, you know, say friendship, a close friendship, or with a partner and they're doing this a lot, then it's going to have a massive impact on your mental health. And also start to question your perception of reality which can really, be damaging for somebody.
The Psychology Behind Gaslighting
So, what's the psychology behind gaslighting? Why do people gaslight others and and some of the power dynamics involved? It can be... be a lot of things. Some of the things that can be are:
Someone's trying to maintain control in the relationship.
It can be a matter of not having trust in a relationship.
It can be someone acting out trauma they experienced, say, growing up or in past relationships.
It can be a form of self esteem, lack of self esteem.
So there's a lot of reasons why someone does this and why it happens and sometimes some people know they're doing it. Sometimes they don't even know they're doing it. Both are difficult to deal with.
How to Respond to Gaslighting
How do you respond to gaslighting? So I think this is, this is probably the toughest part. A lot of it has to do with first, if you start to identify it, one thing you can do is, well, talk to your therapist about it. If you're seeing some, a therapist, if you're not maybe a trusted friend.
If it's your friend that's gaslighting you, talk to another friend, someone that you do trust, that you trust their perception of the world and their reality of the world, that you trust that they know you well, and maybe explain to them the scenario, and try to explain that scenario in the most factual way possible of stating what the other person said and really trying to leave the emotions out of it.
Another way if things are really bad and, and I hope for somebody, it's not really this bad, but if it is, if you have, you know, intense conversations with somebody right afterwards, write down what each person said.
And that way, if the conversation comes back up later on, you actually literally have documented notes. Again, that is if something is really, really bad. And so I hope that's not the case.
So once you've identified that, yes, this is some gaslighting behavior, you need to protect yourself. You need to set boundaries.
You need to speak directly. And if it's really bad, maybe consider what that relationship is serving you compared to the mental anguish it's giving you. And seeking support, whether that's family, friends, and or a therapist.
Healing from Gaslighting
So ways to heal from gaslighting. It's going to be a lot of rebuilding one's self esteem. Rebuilding your perception of reality.
Having healthy, good relationships where people validate your feelings, your experiences. Professional help is always really helpful with that. You have an unbiased third party who can really give it to you straight of what they're seeing and what's going on.
So in conclusion of all of this. It's helpful to have awareness of what gaslighting is. To be able to identify what's going on. To maybe understand what is the psychology around why someone might do this. And how to respond to gaslighting. And then to really take care of yourself if it's happening. And to really evaluate that relationship. And not all relationships are meant to last. That means friendship or whatever, intimate relationship. And so really doing an audit of your relationships and figuring out the healthy quality relationships that are in your life.
It can be a great way to go about this because you have a professional who's helping you really dissect and figure out what's going on.