Boundary-Setting in Relationships

Understanding boundaries. Let's start with types of boundaries. There's emotional, physical, and time boundaries.

Emotional boundaries are feeling respected, feeling safe, feeling understood.

Physical boundaries, that might be more obvious. Also being safe, consent, feeling like you have control of your physical self.

And lastly, time boundaries, can be as simple as when you're meeting a friend and they show up two hours late and you're just sitting at the restaurant. Or in terms of like work and having those time boundaries of you stop at a certain time and your boss allows that or your colleagues allow that. And so those are sort of time boundaries.

The benefits of setting these boundaries are reduces stress. You have better relationship satisfaction. You have increased self esteem. You are overall just it's better mental health when there's clear boundaries. And in saying that some people are easier to have clear boundaries with than others.

Some people automatically have appropriate boundaries with each person and then others, you might have to start essentially teaching them your boundaries.

Recognizing the Need for Boundaries

When you notice somebody has poor boundaries, so maybe you're starting to feel resentful or taken advantage of listen to that, notice it and start to recognize, okay, that means that I need to start to set some limits and what works for me and knowing for you what works.

And so maybe it's automatic that you're someone who's a people pleaser. I can relate to that. I tend to be. And so I have to, I've had to, and it doesn't mean I've figured it out by any means, but it does mean I'm working on it. And to say no to things or just say, actually, that doesn't really work for me.

This works for me. Or if I need more time to think about if it works for me, Hey, let me think about that and get back to you.

How to Establish Boundaries

And so when you're establishing these boundaries, you're really looking inwards and figuring out what you need, what works for you and also what you want. And then it's communicating those boundaries to that person.

You're communicating them assertively. You're not, of course, being aggressive. You're just being Direct and clear. And then, if you're dealing with somebody who doesn't have the best boundaries in general, you've got to be then consistent with them of maintaining those appropriate and healthy boundaries for yourself, because the reality, unfortunately, is that if we're inconsistent with someone who doesn't have the best boundaries, we will then go back to feeling resentful and not cared for and wanting to just distance ourselves.

So in some ways. often training somebody to do that. And I think again, this can happen in all of our types of relationships. I think sometimes families are the ones we think of first because we've become so habituated to what their boundaries are from growing up with our family.

And so it takes us sometimes time to be unwind and realize actually, that doesn't feel good or that I don't want that to be anymore. And so then it's, like you're training somebody, but you're having to retrain them when you've been one way for 25, 35 years. So that can be really challenging. And that's where consistency is huge.

Dealing with Boundary Pushbacks

And so in saying all of that, there can be boundary pushbacks. People getting frustrated with you, getting mad at you, not understanding, you've been one way this whole time. Why are you now being this other way? It can be jarring for people, so I think having some empathy around that too of, if, you've been operating one way for however many years and then all of a sudden you're flipping the script and you're changing that narrative.

It is going to be challenging for someone to understand, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. It just means you've got to now learn how to handle that resistance, staying firm, staying compassionate. It doesn't mean inflexible, rigid boundaries. It can be boundaries that are compromises and that you are negotiating what works for them and what works for you.

But always go back to the self reflection piece of, is this compromise okay for me or am I just compromising because I can't handle the resistance.

Maintaining and Adjusting Boundaries

So check ins are really helpful, when you're maintaining and adjusting these boundaries. You're checking in with yourself. Maybe you're checking in with the person to and figuring out, having that reflection, having that insight of what works for you. Being adaptable can be really helpful to changes and knowing that relationships grow and change.

And that's totally appropriate and that you're allowed to do that.

So in conclusion, with all of this boundary setting and having your own boundaries, is a necessary part of life. For some of us, it's easier than others. For some of us, it is harder. And it starts with that self reflection piece, that checking in of what's working for you.

Am I feeling exhausted by this person? Am I feeling disrespected by them? Is this a continual pattern that I'm noticing? If so, I've got to start setting some boundaries and I've got to start setting emotional boundaries, time boundaries, and I've got to do that in a compassionate way and a way that works for me, but is also consistent and appropriate.

And relationships are such a integral part of our lives and our happiness and our contentness and well being. And so the more you can have healthy boundaries, the healthier and happier you will be in all of these types of relationships. And at Therapy Now SF, we work with people in relationships all the time.

That's another one of our main categories that people come in with. And again, it's relationships of all type: romantic, familial, friendship, and professional. And being able to discuss with a neutral third party and someone who is an expert in what boundaries can look like and helping you sometimes give you the words of what you can say to somebody else.

That's something our therapists are really great at doing and therapists in general are really great at doing. And reaching out to somebody if you're really struggling with what boundaries look like, it's okay to reach out, past your own circle, to figure out what's needed for you.