Communication: Fighting Fair

When people hear the word “fighting,” it typically has negative connotations. If a couple is fighting, it might seem like the relationship isn’t going well. Some fights can be very destructive, but every couple gets into arguments. Managing a life together can be stressful, even for those in fantastic relationships.

Couples who succeed are those that successfully address their differences without causing harm, while laying the groundwork for better understanding. Those who “fight fair” are the ones who stay together and feel satisfied. Below are several ways to better manage conflict in your relationship.

Consider Why You Are Upset

Before you get into an argument, think about the reason you’re upset. For instance, maybe you think you’re upset because your partner didn’t put the laundry in the closet, but you actually are upset because you feel they have been disconnected from you emotionally recently. It’s important to sit with your thoughts and consider your feelings before an argument begins.

Keep It On Topic

Sometimes, couples start off arguing about one topic, and it turns into something completely different. Both conversations might be important, but it will be hard to resolve them at the same time. Once you’re on a new topic, the original argument may never be resolved. Plus, once things are off topic, it can easily spiral into everything someone has done wrong, which is a lot to handle and not productive.

Avoid Negative Language

One of the most important tips in fighting fair is to discuss the problem, not the person. That means you should stay away from name-calling, swearing, and put-downs. When you engage in this type of language, you may be trying to express negative emotions, but it will also make your partner feel hurt and possibly shut down. The original issue may be forgotten while the character attacks continue.

Wait Your Turn to Speak

You might have a million things to say, which can make it hard to wait to blurt out your perspective. However, you should avoid interrupting as much as possible. If that’s challenging, set a time for a few minutes so each person can talk without interruptions. Rather than thinking about what you want to say while your partner is talking, make sure you listen and then reflect back what they just said.

Stay Away from Stonewalling

Some people respond to arguments by retreating from the situation and saying nothing. When you refuse to be a part of the conversation, this is known as stonewalling. It might make you feel better for a short time, but the issue will still be present, and your partner will continue to be upset. If you need a short break, let your partner know and agree to resume the conversation at a later time.

Arguments can be complicated and messy. There isn’t always a perfect solution. Life just doesn’t work that way sometimes. However, it’s important to come to some kind of compromise. This requires an effort at give and take from both people. If a compromise cannot be reached, understanding can often soothe hurt feelings.