Being Assertive: What It Is and How to Do It
When someone is being assertive, they’re genuine about their opinions and feelings. An assertive person is capable of sharing their truths without feeling any underlying anxiety or guilt. However, it doesn’t fall under being aggressive or passive.
Assertiveness is essential both when you have negative emotions and positive feelings. If you’re honest when you tell someone no, they’re more likely to feel that you are being authentic the next time you say yes.
The Most Important Skills for Being Assertive
People who wish to be more assertive must work to understand how they feel and then healthily express that. Those who grew up in an environment where nobody talked about their feelings, may find this extremely difficult.
When children aren’t taught about feelings and how they work, it can lead them to miss out on some life lessons. The good news is you can still learn these things today.
Being Aware of Your Emotions in the Moment
Understanding the way you feel before and after something occurs can be helpful.
For instance, maybe you’ve been sitting in your apartment while the neighbors play increasingly louder music. You feel conflicted about if you should do something. In this situation, you might identify that you actually currently feel angry.
Knowing Your Thoughts and Feelings Deserve Being Expressed
Going off the same scenario we just mentioned, being assertive means knowing the feelings you have are valid and deserve to be expressed.
You might tell yourself that it’s three in the morning and you have work in the morning so your anger is justified.
Understanding How to Manage Your Emotions
When you feel anger, hurt, or another emotion that can be stressful, you need to be able to manage those feelings to express them in words.
In the situation we’ve talked about, maybe you sit for a few minutes in thought before you move forward to a reaction. Perhaps you take a few deep breaths and have a glass of water to calm yourself.
Trying to Understand the Others Involved
Understanding may mean taking a minute to consider how the other party might be feeling right now and the impact on the situation.
For instance, your neighbors are likely having fun and haven’t considered that the loud music is negatively impacting you or other people.
Thinking About the Setting, Situation, and Surroundings
Finally, you think about the situation and how to move forward.
Maybe you decide to call the neighbors. You might think about whether this was a one-off situation or something that occurs repeatedly to create additional frustration.
Final Thoughts
Being assertive has a variety of benefits but it’s not easy for every person. The skills above can give you a framework for being more assertive in your everyday life.
Using these skills lets you express how and what you feel in a way that others can understand. When you speak up without being too strong or too passive, you can expect people to be understanding and even work to ensure your needs are met.