All right, so it's that time of year. It's New Year's resolutions time. And instead of just talking about that in general, let's talk about healthy New Year's resolutions with self compassion.

It's really easy to put all this pressure on ourselves to achieve perfection and then to be really self critical when we don't meet those goals. And so that's why I want to talk about a self compassionate way to have goals that are realistic and that you can try to sort of meet.

Why Most Resolutions Fail

So why do most resolutions fail? So sort of what I'm saying is the unrealistic aspect. They're overly ambitious. And then you burn out right away or within time. And then immediately you're disappointed. Another reason is this all or nothing thinking. Say it's, you want to work out three days a week and one week you don't do it. And you're like ah done. I failed. It's over. As opposed to ah, you know what, this week it didn't happen. Let's try again for next week. And so the last piece of this is this lack of flexibility. When you don't have flexibility, you're not able to adjust your goals when circumstances change.

The Role of Self-Compassion in Goal-Setting

So what's the role of self compassion in goal setting?

You are treating yourself with kindness. You're being more understanding. You're being more patient. You are recognizing that mistakes and setbacks are a part of reaching your goals and you make adjustments as you go. And it's without self judgment.

And I think a big piece around self compassion is that we think that if we're not critical of ourselves, then the goals won't happen. And what the research actually shows is that when we're self compassionate, we are able to meet goals easier. We are able to handle adversity, all of those things. So self compassion, there's so much research out there at this point that shows that it actually is the more effective way to manage just about everything. But in this case, we're talking about goals.

Steps to Setting Healthy, Compassionate Resolutions

So some steps to healthy compassionate goal setting ideas. You're going to start with reflection. So you're reviewing the past year with curiosity and not criticism. And trying to figure out What is it that you're wanting to focus on?

And so you're going to be setting behavior based goals. Instead of things like lose 20 pounds, it can be, I want to practice yoga twice a week. So again, it's specific and it's also a behavior as opposed to just what the outcome is.

You're going to want to break goals into small steps. This is, I think the most key part of this, you're breaking it down into micro goals. So just like the example I just gave you, it looks like, what does a day look like? As opposed to the end goal. What does a week look like? And twice a week I work out. Those types of things.

So then you're going to want to prioritize self care as you're going through all of this. And so something that looks like is, a lot of us work all day and we don't take a break. And so maybe it's 20 minutes outside to take a walk or just hits your face with some sunlight.

And lastly, you're going to want to create flexible goals. So allow yourself to have adjustments for goals. And when different life circumstances happen, that you can be flexible and shift and go with it. And so you're not so rigid about what it needs to look like.

Self-Compassion Strategies for Staying on Track

So here's some self compassionate strategies for staying on track. You're going to want to talk to yourself like you talk to a friend. So avoid those harsh self criticisms, especially after setbacks.

You're going to want to celebrate the small wins. This part is huge. No matter how small it is. So I'm focusing a lot on the weight one, because that's what a lot of people focus on for the new year, but it's also really easy to talk about it in a behavioral way. Maybe if you're trying to do the workout thing, and you want to go to the gym for an hour and a half, but you didn't today, you went and walked for 20 minutes. That's huge. Instead of doing nothing, you walked for 20 minutes. So no matter how small it is, you're really celebrating those small wins.

And then you're going to want to practice mindfulness. So when there is a setback, instead of spiraling into this failure thinking, you're going to want to really try to stay present and focus on what you've already done and what else you can do in the future.

And lastly to be flexible. So if the goal doesn't serve you anymore, or it needs to look different, it's okay to adjust it and change it.

So here's some examples of self compassionate goals. Instead of wanting to, quote unquote, be more productive, you could say, to yourself, try to take regular breaks to avoid burnout. Or try to celebrate the small wins during the day. Instead of saying, I want to be more positive. It can look like I want to practice gratitude daily. I want to practice self compassion. Just things like that.

And if you're finding it challenging to do this and do it on your own, which is totally understandable, that's when it can be really helpful to reach out to a therapist and talk about what these goals are. The therapist can help you be more self compassionate. They can with you celebrate those small wins and remind you that perfection is not the goal and it's not going to be the key to your growth.

At Therapy Now SF that's what our therapists are great at doing. We are a warm and compassionate group of individuals. And so we're really used to helping people set goals that are realistic and then getting to a place of achieving those goals.

Let's talk about dealing with family conflict during the holidays. I think that's something most of us can relate to. It's holiday time. A lot of us are going to be with our families or we already were with our family for Thanksgiving.

This is common, right? This is something that when you spend a lot of time together with somebody and we have different personalities, there's high expectations, there's desires of what we think things should be like. And so that in and of itself is often going to create conflict.

Common Causes of Family Conflict During the Holidays

So some of the reasons why conflict happens is this idea of these unmet expectations.

We see from media we should have this perfect holiday. That's not usually the case. And so that in and of itself can lead to some disappointment and conflict.

With family members, you've got different personalities, there's different worldviews, opinions, communication styles. It's not necessarily your friend group or the people that you have chosen to be around. So it's gonna be maybe different from the person that you are.

And then, during this time, there's a lot of stress just preparing for it. Maybe you're traveling. There's a social obligations. So that in itself is just going to trigger your own and other people's irritability. And just fatigue.

It's your family. And so old resentments resurface. How can they not so unresolved issues from your past family interactions, just old relationship challenges. Those things rear their head.

And lastly it can be common to have alcohol at events and that can often lead to poor judgment or just, you're more irritable, or there's more heightened conflict you're more apt to say something you don't mean, you're more impulsive.

So all of those things are why it's just such a common thing to have conflict during the holidays.

How Family Conflict Impacts Mental Health

So how does this conflict impact one's mental health? It's going to increase your anxiety or stress.

It's just going to make it where you're just having heightened emotional tension.

Depending on what conversations happen and what people say, sometimes people say really hurtful things or they're critical, family members can be critical. It can really impact your self worth or your self esteem.

And lastly, it can just be totally emotionally exhausting and leave you feeling drained and just emotionally depleted and frustrated.

Strategies for Preventing and Managing Family Conflict

So let's talk about the strategies for preventing and then managing this conflict. So going into the holidays, just set realistic expectations. It's not going to be perfect. Try to, if you're thinking of what pastimes have been like, there needs to be some acceptance that it could be challenging again.

And once you have that mindset, it can make it a little bit easier to get through it. And then for yourself, you're going to want to practice mindful communication. So try to avoid interrupting. You want to actively listen and try to respond without being defensive and empathetic. And being empathetic, not defensive, but being empathetic. And I think obviously that's easier said than done, but I think if you can go into it with the right attitude, I think you can practice it and it can happen.

And then you're going to want to set boundaries. So when different topics come up that maybe are sensitive politics is a big one or religion or, lifestyle choices. You can decide how you want to set those personal boundaries and how you want to manage those type of conversations.

And then take breaks when you need to if you need to step away when interactions get really stressful to reset, take a walk go into the kitchen and help prepare something, whatever that looks like to try to give yourself a moment to rest and refresh yourself.

And lastly, you're going to want to limit alcohol consumption. That is going to again help with the impulsivity being confrontational, being overly emotional. Any of those things.

How to Respond to Family Conflict in the Moment

And so how do you respond to conflict in the moment? Think of de-escalation techniques, like speaking slowly, staying calm, avoid raising your voice.

You're going to want to be as solution focused as possible. So instead of Blaming, you're trying to find a solution.

And then again, knowing if you need to walk away, if things emotions get too high, tensions are too high, remove yourself until things get calmer.

And then lastly, with this is try to validate somebody else's emotions, acknowledge their feelings. Saying things like, I understand this is frustrating for you. I understand. I can imagine that this is, upsetting. And that can help reduce some defensiveness.

And, during this time, it's. A lot. And so it's okay if these things aren't working and you may need to reach out to the therapist for some extra support and be able to work out some unresolved family trauma that you have some just family dynamics relationships. What somebody triggers in you just how it impacts your self esteem, being able to prepare yourself. Sometimes when I talk to clients, I talk to them about, sometimes it's your family members are so predictable, even what they're going to bring up, how they're going to bring it up, what they're going to say to the word.

You can practice different just canned things that you can say to somebody. So that way it can diffuse a situation or put boundaries around it or deescalate it. And so if you have those kind of in the back of your mind, you just have a little script for yourself. And that's a way that a therapist can be really helpful with that.

And, just do your best to prioritize your mental health. So do the things that help. Try to get as much sleep as possible. Try to limit your stress. Try to eat healthy. Try to have meaningful interactions and lower those expectations of what a family holiday should look like.

And if any of this is something that, again, is still really challenging, that's when, we're here at Therapy Now SF to help you manage these family conflicts and just help protect your mental health.

Let's talk about the power of saying no. I get excited about this topic because I think we are living in a society that really values working all the time and doing things all the time and experiences and there's nothing wrong with any of that, but when it goes too far, that is when our mental health and our physical health suffer. And so there is something really beautiful in not feeling like you're people pleasing all the time and saying yes to everything, just so you don't hurt somebody's feeling. But the power of saying no in ways that you can do that. And it really will help someone self care and their boundary setting and just reduce stress and overall improve your mental health.

Why Saying No is Difficult?

But there's a reason why people don't do it all the time. And so why is saying no so difficult? We have a fear of disappointing others, like I mentioned, being perceived as unkind. That's a big one. We have both societal pressures and cultural pressures to always be accommodating. And then by saying no or not doing something you then have a lot of guilt around that or even sometimes shame around that. And it feels guilty to prioritize your personal needs over other people's asks or demands.

So the benefits, I'm going to go over the benefits again, because it's a big deal. I'll go in a little deeper about it. So, you protect your time, you protect your energy, and it helps you focus on what really does matter to you. You're prioritizing what's important to you. We all have a limited amount of time. The days go by so quickly. So you are protecting your time and prioritizing it. It can help you reduce feelings of overwhelm and burnout. It can strengthen your self respect and reinforce your personal boundaries. And it also encourages healthier and more balanced relationships. That's the goal, is balanced relationships. And of course that's not, it's not going to look like that in every relationship. But if there's one that's really off kilter, this is where the power of saying no is going to be huge. And you're setting boundaries and trying to balance it out a little bit more.

When to Say No

So times when you should say no or can say no.

So situations where the request conflicts with your personal values or priorities. So you're going to want to always be very clear about your personal values, and then getting clear on what your priorities are too. If you're agreeing to something and then that's going to lead to being overcommitted. Which overcommitment then usually leads to exhaustion, which leads to stress, which, you know. We go where it leads. It's just a downward spiral. And then lastly, if someone's request feels unfair. Or go to the next level, they even feels manipulative. That is a great time to say no.

So how do you say no, effectively? You're going to want to be clear. And direct so politely and firmly communicate your decision. And sometimes that means giving a rationale. Sometimes it doesn't mean that. Sometimes the rationale might be, this is what I need right now. Or, I've been really stressed lately, and so I'm trying to take care of myself more. That's your reason.

You want to use I statements. So something along the lines of, I can't take this on right now, or I'd really love to go on a walk with you, but I busy cooking dinner right now. And that feels more important. Not my best example, but you get it.

And then you're going to want to maybe offer alternatives. So maybe it's not the right time. So you can suggest another time or doing something that maybe fits your needs a little bit more. Or suggesting other things that sound more interesting to you.

And, the best way to be able to do this is going to be practice. And by practicing in low stakes situations and rehearsing what to do, it becomes easier in those high stakes situations.

Overcoming Guilt and Fear

And once you start doing this, you are going to have to overcome some of the guilt and fear that are, naturally, understandably going to come up. And so ways to do that are, you remind yourself that it's not selfish and that's necessary for your wellbeing. And when you can show up in a healthier mental state for yourself, you're going to show up in a healthier mental state for somebody else. And so in the long run, the bigger picture of all of that, it's actually better for your relationship with that person.

Another piece is you wanna reflect on how saying yes to others may mean you're saying no to yourself. And that's something to really look into.

And lastly, being able to understand why healthy boundaries are so important and how it can lead and does lead to mutual respect in relationships.

So in conclusion, this process is not easy and. If it was, we would all do it all the time. But it can be quite transformative. And if you can use it as a tool and do it with kindness and compassion towards both yourself and others, you will notice your mental health increase, you will notice less stress and you'll also probably notice a healthier relationship with whoever you're doing this with.

And if this is something that maybe you've struggled with a long time and it's feels too hard to tackle on your own, this can be where talking to a therapist can be really helpful. And that way you can learn ways to build your assertiveness skills and set better boundaries.

Understanding attachment styles. So that is something that you often hear people talk about. About their own attachment styles, somebody else's attachment style. Often we talk about it in romantic relationships. And it's really helpful to understand both your own and other people's as a way to just have insight and to be able to work on if there's ways in which your attachment could be a little healthier.

Attachment styles, they start in our early childhood experiences. And what they refer to is the emotional bond or connection with your primary caregiver. It later manifests into romantic relationships, and then of course your familial relationships and your friend relationships too.

And when it's a healthy attachment style, it's feelings of security, trust, affection. And that plays a huge role in one's emotional development and relationship dynamics. And this of course influences relationships throughout life.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

So there's four main attachment styles. Secure attachment, which is something that we all strive for and can eventually achieve, that can be on your own or through the help of therapy. And so what that looks like is having trusting and balanced relationships and having healthy boundaries. And it usually means a lack of anxiety within relationships.

So that leads us to our next one, which is anxious attachment. So it's a fear of abandonment, often a need for reassurance and a difficulty in trusting somebody. And we all need reassurance at some point. So this is more of an excessive need for reassurance.

Then we move on to avoidant attachment. So this is someone that has discomfort with being close, and they rely on more independence over having connection.

And lastly, number four is disorganized attachment. So this usually looks like a mix of both fear and a desire for intimacy. And often this comes from someone experiencing trauma or inconsistent caregiving.

The Impact of Attachment Styles on Relationships

So what's the impact of attachment styles on relationships? We're going to talk about different types of relationships. So in romantic relationships attachment styles will influence how we communicate, how we have conflict resolution, and our emotional intimacy with somebody.

In friendship and family dynamics, the role of attachment is, in maintaining our or avoiding close connections.

Lastly is our workplace interactions. So attachment style can affect teamwork and leadership and conflict at work. Because if we're thinking again, what's attachment? It's around trust and safety and connection. Of course, it's going to show up in the workplace too.

Identifying Your Attachment Style

So how does one identify their attachment style? So like any therapist, I'm all about wanting to have insight and self reflection. That's only going to help us in the long run. So ways to do that are to notice your different behaviors and thought patterns. Start with a romantic relationship or start with your family relationship. Sometimes in a romantic relationship, it can be a little bit more obvious. Not necessarily, but sometimes. And so again, you're wanting to notice, have insight into that, be curious about it. And you can also find like attachment style assessments online. There's a bazillion books around attachment style and exploring your patterns in past relationships as well can give us a lot of information.

I want to put a little caveat here, which is sometimes, depending on the other person, we can sway one way or the other. So for example, someone may in general have secure attachment, but they start dating somebody and that person is inconsistent and confusing in their communication. And so before you know it, you're exhibiting anxious attachment. Just keeping all that in mind and noticing it, someone with secure attachment, that has really strong secure attachment, might be able to say, you know what, this isn't the right relationship for me, or be able to notice that behavior to somebody else, someone that maybe is in the middle of secure and anxious, it might just flare up the anxious attachment. Just you're noticing all of that. You're asking questions about it to yourself. You're just being curious and we're not having judgments around any of this. It's just, you're trying to figure it out for yourself because then you can work on having more secure attachments so that you feel safer and more connected.

Strategies for Building Healthier Attachments

So let's talk about some strategies for building healthier attachments. Like we talked about, so the self awareness piece, noticing your attachment style and the impact on your relationships. Notice your communication skills. So you're going to want to practice open and honest dialogue with partners, friends, and of course colleagues.

And you want to have this mindfulness and then self compassion around why different attachment styles might be happening. A lot of people have experienced some trauma or inconsistent caregiving. And so just being patient with yourself and kind about why that might be happening and hope that it can look different.

And so the hope piece can also happen by, you can work on it yourself, of course, or looking into professional help. And a professional can help with building healthier emotional connections.

So to conclude with all of this, we're looking for secure attachment in general. Because that is going to leave you feeling calmer, more stable, more grounded.

So it's figuring out ways to foster that healthier attachment and having more fulfilling connections, more fulfilling relationships. If this is something that you've struggled with, and you've read a lot and maybe tried doing your own sort of interventions and things aren't really working.

That's when it might be a good time to reach out to a therapist. And Therapy Now SF our clinicians are very experienced around relationships attachment and can really help people both figure out what's going on for them, build insight, and then also ultimately change to try to get more secure attachment.

So let's talk about Psychopathy in the workplace. I think this is an interesting topic to talk about because hopefully for most people this isn't something that's really common for you, but unfortunately, sometimes this does happen whether it's with a boss or a co worker or someone.

So let's start with defining what psychopathy is. It's traits such as lack of empathy, being manipulative, and having superficial charm. And when this happens in a professional setting, it's going to of course lead to a really toxic work environment.

So Getting a little bit more specific about what these behaviors look like in the workplace. So manipulation, we all know what that is, but using charm or deceit to gain power or influence is really the best way to describe that. And, often we don't know when we're being manipulated. And then sometimes later we might be talking to somebody and then they're ooh, that feels a little manipulative. And it's oh, my God, that's so obvious.

And then exploitation. So this often takes place in the workplace when someone's taking credit for somebody else's work, or they're deflecting responsibility placing blame somewhere else, when they shouldn't be.

Another behavior is bullying and intimidation. This one can be a little bit more obvious. And as you can imagine, it creates fear in the workplace and it's just a way for somebody to maintain control.

And then lastly someone that has some psychopathy, they're often rule breaking and will take a lot of risks. And often this rule breaking can be really reckless. It's unethical. And they're doing it without the thought of concern or consequences, or sometimes they don't have consequences for what happens if they're that skilled.

Signs of a Psychopathic Leader or Colleague

So signs of a psychopathic leader or colleague. Again, like this disregard for other people's feelings and well being. You'll see a lot of lying or twisting the truth. There's often this pattern of sabotaging others, and usually it's to, advance their own position. And then sometimes you'll see like this splitting behavior, so creating division among team members. And it's a way to maintain control.

The impact on a workplace when all of this happens with team dynamics, as you can imagine, it's going to lower everybody's morale, it's going to make collaboration really difficult, and it's going to decrease trust among your colleagues.

Usually it increases anxiety. It obviously then, of course, increases stress, sometimes depression and then often that leads to burnout. And in a bigger scheme, bigger context it can lead to a higher turnover rate and then just overall less productivity.

How to Handle Psychopathy in the Workplace

Now the best part, how do we handle this in the workplace? So start by documenting these incidents. So that's a detailed record of what has been going on. So that means the date, other people that are in the room, and you're going to write out very specifically what somebody said. So their manipulative or abusive behavior. So both behavior and what somebody said.

Next, you would want to set very clear boundaries. So establishing your limits and enforce them consistently. Consistency is the key. You're going to want to stay professional. So just because someone's essentially misbehaving or being very difficult that doesn't mean it gives you a green light to do the same. So you're going to avoid emotional reactions and do your best to stay calm.

Another alternative or addition to all of this would be to seek support. So talking to HR, mentors or trusted colleagues. If it's not your boss, that's being a difficult one, then talking to your boss or management.

And lastly, I think a very important one is environment is incredibly toxic and you are noticing your mental health and physical health decline, know when to exit, know when it is not worth it.

In conclusion with all of this, you really want to try to protect yourself and your individual well being when you notice that somebody has these psychopathic traits. Do the five things that I mentioned and really take care of yourself and do your best to create a supportive work environment.

If you're noticing that it feels too much out of your control and there's not much you can do and the stress is overwhelming anxiety is overwhelming, that might be a time to reach out to a therapist. All of our therapists that they're being are well adept in workplace stress. That's one of I would say one of the top things that people come in for. Sometimes we just need that outside support and that's okay. We need a sounding board and we'd be able to process everything going on.

Feel free to reach out.

Overcoming burnout. Burnout is something that a lot of people call Therapy Now SF about. We live in a work focused society and the San Francisco Bay Area, I feel is especially really into work and working overtime and all the startups and everything. So burnout is huge.

Let's define burnout. It's a state of chronic physical, emotional, mental exhaustion, which is caused by prolonged stress. And it's often related to work. But it can also be from caregiving roles too. It's not just work. I think that's maybe where we go to- that's where I often go to, but it can also be from some caregiving roles too. It's something that a lot of people experience at one point or another, I've experienced it myself.

Common Signs of Burnout

So what are some common signs? I'll go through each one that I briefly mentioned.

So emotional exhaustion. You feel drained, overwhelmed, maybe you're not sleeping well and you just feel unable to cope.

And then another one is detachment or cynicism. So you are just feeling disconnected from your responsibilities. You're pessimistic. You're feeling indifferent. You're not motivated. And then lastly, some reduced performance. So it's, you're struggling to concentrate, your productivity has gone down and you're not feeling any sort of sense of accomplishment.

Causes of Burnout

So the causes of burnout can be work related stress. So excessive workloads, unrealistic expectations, whether you put that on yourself or a boss puts that on you or the company. You're feeling a lack of control or a toxic workplace environment.

It can also be personal life stress. So whether that's financial pressures, some chronic illness or maybe, you're trying to balance caregiving roles can be incredibly stressful.

And it can also be attributed some to some of your maybe own personality factors. So you might be somebody who people pleases. You have those tendencies. Or you're a little bit more of a perfectionist, and maybe you have some high achievement, just that orientation. And so you're going to be more prone and susceptible to burnout.

The Effects of Burnout

So the effects of burnout on mental and physical health. So some physical symptoms you might see talked about insomnia, headaches, you have a weakened immune system, you're getting sick all the time and then just chronic fatigue.

And the mental health aspect you might be experiencing anxiety or depression, just feelings of constantly worrying or you're abusing substances as a way to cope.

How to Recognize Burnout

So ways to recognize burnout early that can be really helpful so that way it doesn't get to these intense symptoms. So, if you're noticing some loss of motivation, or you're feeling maybe emotionally numb. Or you're starting to feel that fatigue day after day that can be assigned to you to sort of maybe start to address the burnout before it becomes more severe into mental and physical health issues.

Strategies for Recovering from Burnout

So let's talk about strategies from recovering from burnout. So you're now in that space of feeling burnt out. What are some ways to deal? You got to set boundaries. So you've got to learn to say no, you've got to delegate tasks, and you've got to prioritize rest. That is a big piece, and so that might be if it's work related, you work 9 to 5, period, and you're getting emails from co workers and bosses at 9 pm at night, you don't look at your phone, you don't read those emails, you wait till the morning to answer it. And people might start to get upset and, or they might start to realize you are setting boundaries and so maybe they need to as well. And that often then is a ripple effect, which can be really helpful.

You need to practice self care. And so what that means is get outside, try to get some sunlight, have some physical activity. You want to try to eat healthy and try to get some sleep. You want to have some mindfulness, some relaxation, meditation. Even if it's literally five minutes, the research shows that can be incredibly healthy and really helpful. Deep breathing can really help yoga can also be another one.

Seek support. So whether that's friends or family, going to therapy, getting some coaching, all of that can be really helpful.

And lastly, reevaluate your goals. Consider having different expectations and career and life goals. So that way it can be more sustainable and fulfilling for you moving forward.

Preventing Burnout in the Future

How can you then prevent burnout in the future? So time management is huge and having that balanced schedule. So putting in time in your schedule for a walk, time in your schedule for five minutes of meditation. You're literally, I've put that in my schedule before, because sometimes it doesn't happen. The day just zips by and you're like, I haven't eaten. I haven't taken a moment to myself.

Another one is to have some work life balance to see if you can't get some hobbies in, to spend time with people you care about.

And then regularly having some mental health check ins. You want to be able to assess your stress levels and your emotional well being to catch burnout early.

So in summary getting ways to take care of yourself and noticing, I think sometimes we have all these symptoms, physical and mental symptoms, and we don't really know what's happening. And we're just stressed all the time. We're feeling anxious. First step is recognizing it and then recognizing the triggers and then how do we take action to change what is happening to lead more balanced and fulfilling life.

And if you're finding you've noticed you're burnt out, but you can't seem to grasp ways to change, that's when it can be helpful to reach out to a therapist.

And Therapy Now SF that is something we work with people all the time on burnout, whether that's work stress or caregiving stress or personal stress, and you're just feeling like you can't cope.

And so you need a third party to help you manage all of that and tackle it.

Let's talk about self sabotage. It's something that we all do at some point. Some of us are a little bit more prone to doing it than others, or we do it more often. We might be doing it in our relationships, our career, or our personal growth.

Let me give you some common forms of self sabotage. Procrastination is a big one. So it's when you're delaying tasks despite knowing it will be harmful for yourself.

Another one is negative self talk. And so we have this internal dialogue that, in time diminishes self worth and confidence.

Another one is we have a fear of failure or fear of success. It can go either way. And so we avoid opportunities due to that fear of what the outcomes could be.

Another one is perfectionism. So we set unrealistic standards and then that leads to disappointment in an action. And I see this one a lot with people that tend to be more high achievers. It's I'm going to go to the gym at 6am and then I'm going to meditate and then I'm going to cook my meals for the day. And then I'm going to, and it's just okay, some people- 0.5% are able to do this insane task list. Most of us are not. And so we just set ourselves up for these unrealistic expectations and standards. And then we just feel so defeated by it.

And then the last one is overindulgence or avoidance. So we just engage in unhealthy habits, such things as overeating or maybe an abuse of substances. And we often do that to escape difficult emotions.

Psychological Roots of Self-Sabotage

So what are the psychological roots of self sabotage?

This is some interesting stuff. It's often some low self esteem. So we believe that we're unworthy of success or happiness. This can often trace back to childhood experiences, maybe interactions that you've had with parents or caregivers, or in school, maybe with teachers, coaches

Another root of it is a fear of change, so we prefer comfort and familiar patterns, even though sometimes those patterns are often really damaging but we know them, so we're not scared of something new.

Feelings of imposter syndrome, so having imposter syndrome, unworthy of our accomplishments, and then that leads to undermining our success.

And then lastly is unresolved trauma. So past negative experiences, they influence our current behaviors. So with trauma, it can be that anything bad can happen because you've had something horrible happen. And so you're just expecting it anyways, so you can't enjoy any success or anything positive because you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

How to Recognize Self-Sabotaging Behaviors

So ways to recognize self sabotaging behaviors. So you want to have self reflection about your actions and thought patterns and notice when they're hindering your progress.

Like with the procrastination stuff, that's a really maybe more obvious one. Are you constantly putting off tasks when you know they're important? And then notice what that domino effect is. You probably talk down to yourself. You probably feel bad that you're not able to do certain things.

And another example is, do you avoid opportunities? And just fearing that you're not going to get it or you're not good enough, so why bother, as opposed to trying for the opportunity and being okay that there might be some rejection or you might not get it and realizing that's okay too, at least you tried. So just trying to notice those things.

Strategies to Overcome Self-Sabotage

So some strategies for overcoming self sabotage. A little bit like we talked about. So identifying the triggers. When these situations happen, noticing these self sabotaging behaviors.

Another way to deal with it is set realistic goals. Like the example I gave before of you have this task list, that's just 50 things that you're supposed to do in one day. And nobody, not even a robot could get it done. So be realistic with these goals, break them down into smaller goals and manageable goals and giving yourself time to rest in between.

You're going to want to challenge negative thoughts. So when you notice these self critical thoughts come up, do more positive affirmations, talk kindly to yourself, have compassion to yourself.

That brings us into practicing self compassion. When you're see these setbacks, you're not going to berate yourself. You're going to be gentle and talk to yourself how you would talk to a friend.

And then lastly, maybe seeking some support. So whether that's with a friend or a coach getting coaching or support groups or therapy, of course.

Practical Tips for Daily Improvement

And some practical tips for some daily improvement. Some daily habits can be really helpful to help track your progress and to recognize self sabotaging behaviors and patterns.

Using mindfulness techniques to help you stay present and avoiding slipping into these automatic negative behaviors. And then when you do have these victories and sometimes these victories are small I don't think going to the gym is a small one because I think that can be really challenging. But if you do really be proud of yourself, really celebrate that. And that can build confidence of what you're able to do and your next task.

So to summarize all of this, you're going to start with you got to recognize it first. So having that self awareness, noticing what your triggers are, and then taking those practical steps to slowly chip away at when these self sabotaging behaviors happen.

And if you're finding that you're just not able to do that, which is true for a lot of us, because we get so ingrained in these habits and we feel like we just can't get out of these really negative patterns. And so then that's when you may want to seek support and reach out to a therapist. And they can help you break down what's happening, build insight, and then also together you can celebrate when you do have these victories that will inevitably happen.

Let's talk about Covert Narcissism.

Narcissism is a big topic that we're talking about a lot and we're starting to notice it in different people and different scenarios.

What we think about is the obvious overt narcissism. But let's talk about covert. Which is often hidden. It's more subtle. Someone might not be like that loud overt grandiose, those are narcissistic traits, but they might still have some deep seated ones. And those people can be challenging to deal with.

Characteristics of Covert Narcissism

So some characteristics of covert narcissism are insecurity and sensitivity. Someone is very sensitive to criticism and rejection and they hide and mask that need for admiration behind some like modesty and shyness.

And then you'll also often see some passive aggressive behavior. So instead of being upfront and confronting or direct, someone's passive and aggressive about it.

And then they also often have this victim mentality. So instead of taking responsibility for different actions or behaviors, it's often blaming others.

And then lastly is more emotional manipulation. So that can look like some guilt tripping or backhanded compliments. Those types of things are really common in interactions.

Differences Between Covert and Overt Narcissism

So just to go back, let's do covert versus over narcissism. So overt- is the loud, grandiose, behaviors. They seek attention, really arrogant, right? And then the covert is a little quieter, a little hidden, modest, but sometimes you can sense underneath there's this grandiose sense of self worth.

And what they have together, which makes the narcissistic, is these traits of entitlement. And then the biggest piece is the lack of empathy. That's the thing that you are noticing is their inability to put themselves in somebody else's shoes, the inability to be able to have that empathy for others.

Effects of Covert Narcissism on Relationships

Next let's talk about the effects of covert narcissism on relationships. Sometimes you can feel out a covert narcissist by they're very emotionally draining. So whether that's a family member or a coworker, partner or a friend, it's this subtle manipulations or constant need for reassurance which can be really draining.

You'll often see some gaslighting and invalidation. Gaslighting really means they will make it difficult that you start to doubt your own perceptions and emotions. So you'll feel a certain way and they'll say things to make you think, wait, did it happen that way? Wait, do I feel that way? And then that lack of accountability. So again, blaming others, not taking responsibility for how they're behaving.

So some red flags that you'll see are this chronic victimhood, really sensitive to feedback, that pattern of passive aggressive behavior and some hidden superiority.

And so anytime you're feeling like confused or like maybe you're being manipulated in behaviors, and you're noticing it's a pattern with somebody, start to really think about your past interactions with them and see if are they displaying some of this covert narcissist behavior.

Coping with Covert Narcissists

So how do you cope with some covert narcissistic behaviors?

Like a lot of things, set boundaries, emotional and mental boundaries to protect yourself. So that might mean you're not on the phone with somebody for three hours as they talk about all the ways in which they're a victim or someone else is to blame, so you really put boundaries around that. That's just an obvious one. Or if you notice they're emotionally draining you, then maybe you set some boundaries of needing to leave, or you don't take on what they're trying to do.

You want to avoid engaging in power struggles. Any time they're seeking to maybe gaslight you in a way or have you think that what you're feeling or perceiving is not true. And then you on this power struggle of like, no, I do feel this way or no, I did experience it this way. Don't bother. Just- you identifying yourself what's happening and let them move on. Don't engage in it.

Then lastly, you're going to want to seek support. So whether that means from a family member or friend, or maybe therapy also can be really helpful. So you can learn when that's coming up and then you can easily begin to pull away and notice when these toxic behaviors are happening.

So in conclusion it's just important to notice this covert narcissism, because it's not as obvious and over time it can really deplete someone depending on how close you are to that person. Your own self esteem and your ability to regulate your own emotions, your ability to have clear perception. So you really need to take care of yourself and do that.

And if you are in a really close relationship with somebody, say if it's your partner or that's your boss, you really are going to need a lot of extra support. And if you're not able to get that and do enough of healthy boundaries, that's when it might be time to reach out to a therapist.

And Therapy Now SF, we are well equipped in working with people that are in these challenging relationships and we can help you cope in better ways to deal with that.

In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) “cognitive distortions” are simply tricks of the mind. The brain convinces us of something that is untrue. Often, they are the result of trauma in our pasts, but they can also occur without traumatic experiences. Of the many common distortions in CBT, “blaming” is one of the most widespread and can be very destructive.

What Is Blaming?

Blaming is simply the act of assigning responsibility for something that happened. However, it’s usually a negative act – you blame someone for breaking your favorite coffee mug, but you rarely blame someone for mowing the lawn, for instance. In most situations, blaming as a cognitive distortion involves assigning guilt or responsibility for how we feel to someone else. “He makes me feel bad about myself,” for instance, or “She makes me feel inadequate”.

The Effects of Blaming

Blaming ultimately leads to negative emotional conditions. The person placing blame often feels resentment, anger, or even hatred for the person they blame. The person being blamed often feels defensive, hurt, or angry if the blaming is vocalized or communicated in other ways.

What Do We Blame Others For?

Often, blaming does not center on physical actions. Instead, we blame others for how we feel, what we think, or our negative behaviors. For instance, a substance abuser might blame his abusive parent for his drug problem.

While the parent certainly contributed to the situation and there is no doubt that traumatic events can lead to addiction, blame in this case shifts responsibility for individual choices (the decision to do drugs and continue to do drugs) to someone else. Does the abusive parent have some responsibility in this situation? Yes. But the drug abuser must also face his own responsibility in terms of continued behavior.

How to Recognize Blaming

Anytime you notice that it's "blah, blah happened because of blank." You know, if you're sort of defensive about it. "It's because of my boss that I'm so stressed." Any of those "If so and so didn't do whatever, I wouldn't feel this way."

Sometimes the blaming is subtle and it's described as frustration or even self righteousness. If you're constantly feeling like things are unfair those are some blaming tendencies.

Then there's emotional signals. If you're continually feeling resentment and frustration those are ways to notice that too.

How to Stop Blaming

Changing blaming behavior can be challenging, but it is possible.

1. Identify and stop unhelpful thinking patterns. When something happens and we blame someone else, we often tell others about it. The act of recounting the situation compounds its effects and reinforces our negative emotions. The next time you find yourself blaming someone, try not talking about it and observe how your mental situation changes.

2. Own your emotions. We often blame others for how they “make us feel”. However, by understanding that no one can make us feel anything – we make ourselves feel things – you can begin to break the blaming cycle. As you establish control over your emotions, you will find that the words and actions of others have less and less impact on how you feel.

3. Consider therapy. Often, blaming (whether blaming others or blaming yourself) stems from traumatic experiences in your past. Physical, emotional, and sexual abuse are common causes, but any traumatic experience can lead to blaming. Working with a therapist, you can uncover the underlying causes and begin to institute positive changes.

Ultimately, blaming is an attempt to assign responsibility to our emotions, thoughts, or actions to someone else. Understanding that our thoughts and emotions are our own, and that our actions are our responsibility, is the start of healing.

Let's talk about love languages. I feel like it's something that we hear about all the time and, I think they're very effective to understand even just in basic terms of what it is. And usually when we're talking about love languages we're talking about a partner, an intimate partner, but they are also effective in any sort of relationship with family and friends. So keeping that in mind as well.

What are the five love languages? They are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.

I'll very quickly go through each one. They're relatively obvious, but I'll give a little example so that way it's even more obvious.

Physical Touch

So first off, we have words of affirmation, and this is literally verbal expressions of love. So that can be compliments, words of appreciation just simply saying, I love you. Anything that's kind and encouraging for someone that words of affirmation is important to them, that is huge and can go a long way.

Acts of Service

Next is acts of service. This is the old saying of, for some people, actions speak louder than words. Doing something for someone that's thoughtful, like maybe cooking them a meal or helping with a chore or taking the kids to school Any of those things can show love in a very tangible way.

Receiving Gifts

Next is receiving gifts, obvious, but it's not about this materialistic idea of gifts, and the more money you spend or anything like that, it's really more the thoughtfulness behind the gift. Something that's maybe meaningful or a well timed gift. For people that this is important to, that often means that someone's really been listening and they said they needed something or really wanted something. And then out of nowhere, that person ends up getting it. And it's because their partner was listening. So that's a huge way and a very powerful expression of love.

Quality of Time

Fourth, we have quality of time. So this one is all about not just spending the time, but the undivided attention quality time. Focused and meaningful time with somebody, minimal or no distractions, just you and them. That for somebody is how people can feel love. And sometimes that means watching a TV show together. So it doesn't have to mean, and that can be considered a distraction, but if that's something that's important and spending that time and that can work. Or going out to dinner is another one. Taking a walk. Any of those. Putting your phone away, essentially.

Physical Touch

And lastly is physical touch. So for some, physical connection, like holding hands or hugging or any sort of gentle touch on the arm, whatever that is can be a really powerful way for someone to feel loved.

And so for most people, I would say it's not like one of these is the only way they feel love. Most of us, all five are important to some extent. But maybe one or two are really that love language idea that really means the most to somebody.

The importance of a love language is it can improve communication in relationships. And it can enhance emotional connection and understanding.

Just having these practical tips for expressing love is a great way to be with your partner in a way that makes sense to them. You're just speaking their language. And it can be something in daily life that can be helpful.

So I encourage people to have these conversations with your partner and even having them with friends too, what is important to them, I think can just continue to build stronger relationships overall and be really helpful.

So if love languages is something that seems important to you or that you're interested about, it can also be helpful to not only talk to your partner about it, but to also talk to a therapist about it and figure out with them what that can look like. Problem solve with them. Different ways that you can do that. Anytime you're talking to a therapist, you're going to be improving your insight both into yourself of what's important to you and then also into what's important to your partner.

Let's talk about coping with uncertainty and building one's psychological flexibility. So uncertainty, I actually literally just talked to a client about this and keeping things very anonymous. But for him, he was, both moving and finding a new job.

And so as you can imagine, one of those alone would be incredibly stressful, but to have two of them in tandem is incredibly overwhelming as he was feeling. So it can be helpful first off to even just define all the uncertainty that's happening and being able to label it can be really helpful.

And then realizing that, I need to be flexible around all of this. And what are the areas that I can control? And what are the areas I can't control? And so it can also be doing things like I can control. I need to prioritize what I can control. I need to make lists of what I can control. I need to be organized.

And then it's also when the mind starts to get really anxious and go down rabbit holes to be able to, first notice that your mind's doing that, because that's a big piece of these automatic thoughts that happen. We don't even notice it's happening. All of a sudden, 20 minutes later, we're just in a fog and we're super anxious and our heart's pounding because we've been going on worst case scenarios and everything that can happen.

So one way is to be mindful and to try to stay present. You're going to want to reframe negative thoughts. And then also, build a support network of people that you can talk to, people that are helpful that you can talk to, whether that's a friend, a family member, a coworker, or a therapist.

And sometimes it can be helpful even just to talk out loud, everything that's bothering you, as opposed to just having it swirl in your mind.

Practical Tips for Coping with Uncertainty

And then moving on to some practical tips. So you're going to want to develop a routine. So having a schedule for yourself is really helpful. So that might mean for two hours in the morning, from 9:00 to 11:00, you're going to be looking for a job.

And then from, 11:00 to 12:00, you take a break, you go for a walk outside. 12:00 to 1:00, you have lunch. 1:00 to 3:00, you look for a place to live, a place to rent, apartment, whatever that looks like for you. So having a really set schedule and incorporating things to take care of yourself, like going for a walk, going to the gym, talking to a friend, whatever that is.

And then next, you're going to want to set realistic goals for yourself. Not a big goal of my goal is to find a job. Great. Yes, that's right. But what are the small goals? And so it's, from 9:00 to 11:00, when I'm looking for a job, I'm going to make sure I apply to two jobs in those two hours. So that means you're going to be writing your cover letter and getting your CV all set. And you're trying to break down what those goals are.

Then next you're going to want to practice some self compassion and being kind to yourself. This uncertainty, like in the example that I gave, these are two major transitions in somebody's life. So of course it's going to make you anxious. Of course, it's going to make you worry. And there's so much unknown, so much uncertainty. So how can you be kind to yourself? Talk to yourself, kindly. Take care of yourself. Do the things you need to do. So that way it's a little bit easier.

And then again, I'm going to just repeat it because it's so important is you're going to focus on what you can control. And the things you can't control, you've got to let go. And you've got to say that to yourself. That right now I can't control. I'm going to have to let that go. I'm going to watch one way to think of it as a mindfulness technique is I'm going to put that thought on a leaf and let that leaf go down that river.

Benefits of Building Psychological Flexibility

So some other things that happen that when you practice all of these tips and these interventions it's going to increase your resilience to be more psychologically flexible. It is going to help you be a better problem solver. It's going to improve your well being. So it will decrease anxiety and possibly depression.

So anytime you can adapt to change better, the better off you're going to be. And it's like a muscle, like anything else, the more you can adapt to change in a flexible way, into the unknown in a flexible way, it will be easier the next time something like this comes around.

And if you're feeling like you're still really overwhelmed after trying these different tips which is also understandable, that might be a time to get extra support and to reach out to a therapist.

At Therapy Now SF, we work all the time with people around anxiety and depression. And often that does stem from just so much unknown and uncertainty or a big transition in your life. And so our therapists are well equipped in helping people handle that and problem solve and get those coping skills and move on and walking you through the step. So you're not alone with them.

The power of journaling for mental health.

And I think we hear a lot about Journaling and, does it really help? And those that journal can tell you that it is extremely helpful. Some of the benefits of journaling and when we talk about journaling, what does that mean? Literally writing down your thoughts. That is this big thing of journaling, is just writing down your thoughts, your stream of consciousness, writing down whatever is going on for you.

And so some of the benefits of journaling that research has shown is it reduces stress and anxiety. It improves your mood and emotional well being. It enhances self awareness, so it builds insight. And it also improves personal growth. It helps one process trauma and it helps you process difficult emotions.

Types of Journaling

So there's a lot of different types of journaling. Some of the four main ones that we hear about and that are really studied the most are Gratitude Journaling, Emotional Release Journaling, Goal Setting Journaling, and Reflective Journaling. So those are probably self explanatory, but I'll just do briefly what each one is.

So Gratitude Journaling is literally writing out statements like I am grateful for blank. So I am grateful for being able to wake up today and do my job. I'm grateful that I got to spend time with my good friend today.

Emotional Release Journaling is often when something is really stressful or maybe even traumatic has happened and you are literally just releasing emotions. So I felt sad that blank happened. I feel angry that blah, blah, blah.

Then there's Goal Setting Journaling. And that is, taking a big goal, say of wanting to run a marathon and you're writing the smaller goals of today I ran 2 miles tomorrow. My plan is to run 2.5 miles. I felt great after I ran those miles. I felt like I was purposeful today, that I accomplished what I wanted to do.

Reflective Journaling. This is when you are reflecting on the day. Reflecting on who you are, your value system, where you want to go. It's just a general sort of reflective practice of what has happened that day or in the past couple days. How did it make you feel? Is it something that you want to keep doing?

How to Start Journaling

So ways to start journaling. You're going to choose a type of journal that suits your needs. You're going to set aside time, regular time for journaling. So it might mean literally setting your alarm at a certain time each day.

For some people that's morning for others afternoon can be challenging because you're working, but if that works for you, great. Or maybe after work or before bedtime is another common time to journal. You're going to write freely without the self criticism. So I think that's the hard part is we like feel embarrassed or something like that.

It's literally just a free writing time. And then you're going to later want to reflect on the entries that you've done. And so that's a way to keep yourself accountable to be able to process, see how far you've come, all of those types of things.

Practical Tips for Journaling

So some practical tips. Start with short, consistent entries.

That doesn't mean you're sitting down for an hour or even 30 minutes. It might mean you're sitting down for two minutes. And you're starting it out. And then maybe you're increasing that up to five or 10 minutes. But you want to make things feasible so you actually do them again. You can use prompts if you feel stuck. So that means you could go to Google and ask what are some good prompts. And some prompts might be, what's one thing I did today that I'm proud of? Or again, this grateful idea, that's a huge journaling technique. Or what's one thing that made me feel confident today? Any of those prompts can be helpful. You want to keep your journal private and that way that'll encourage you to be honest. And then you want to combine journaling with other therapeutic practices. So with maybe talking to a therapist or meditating or going for a walk before, after any of those things.

Journaling is just another way, it's often used in conjunction with other mental health strategies.

And if you're having a hard time getting started, you could reach out to mental health professional at Therapy Now SF. We have a lot of therapists that will encourage journaling, or you can even bring your journal in and talk to a therapist about what you wrote.

I have a lot of clients who've done that in the past and it's a way to be self reflective and to process a little bit more, go a little bit deeper into those journal entries.

Sleep impacts how our brain functions, how we emotionally regulate. It impacts our relationships. It obviously impacts mental health, anxiety and depression.

Some of the main common sleep disorders and their effects are Insomnia, that's something we hear about a lot. And I think we maybe overuse that a little bit of oh, I have insomnia just because you had a couple of nights of not sleeping although that's really distressing and not great for the body.

Insomnia is really a consistent not being able to sleep for more than a couple hours at a time or in little spurts. And so it's difficulty falling asleep or then staying asleep.

And then there's sleep apnea, which is interrupted breathing during sleep and that's something that's a medical diagnosis that can help using different sleep devices.

And then there's also restless leg syndrome, and that's uncomfortable sensations leading to an urge to move your legs.

Benefits of Good Sleep Hygiene

When we have good sleep hygiene, we have an improved mood and emotional stability. There's enhanced cognitive function and memory, reduced stress and anxiety.

There's going to be reduced depression as well as better overall physical health.

Tips for Improving Sleep Hygiene

You want to maintain a regular sleep schedule. So that would look like Going to bed every night at 10 pm and maybe reading and then falling asleep at 10:30 and then consistently waking up at say 6:30- 7 am. So whatever that is that's just a made up schedule but whatever your schedule is that you're consistent and so that you even do that on the weekends which I think people think I can catch up on sleep on the weekends but actually will negatively impact you. You really want to stay the same.

And if you do take naps you really want to keep those 30 minutes or less. So that way you don't hurt your sleep that night. So another way is to improve your sleep hygiene. You want to create a restful sleep environment. So that looks like, you want to limit the amount of light you get in the morning.

And you also want to limit exposure to screens before bedtime. So your phone or an iPad or your computer you want to avoid caffeine and heavy meals close to bedtime. So for some people, avoiding caffeine, that means you stop your caffeine intake at noon that day. For others, you might be able to push it a little bit more. 2 or 3 pm. But really you want to not do anything much after that.

Another thing you want to do is incorporate relaxation techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing that can be really helpful before sleep.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you're doing all of that consistently and you're not really noticing any improvements and you're still really struggling with sleep, that's when you may want to seek professional help.

When these persistent sleep problems, despite your good sleep hygiene practices, are happening and they impact sleep issues on daily functioning and your mental health. And so that's when you really want to reach out to somebody who either specializes in sleep or who's just a mental health professional.

And at Therapy Now SF, we have therapists that help with all of these facets and they can really help you improve your sleep and then overall mental health.

Building resilience. This is one of the most important things I think that you can do in life. We are all going to come across challenges and trauma and some of us more than others in different ways and stress is an unfortunate part of everyday life.

There's varying degrees depending on our lives. But the way we can manage that is by building our resilience. So first, let's understand what resilience is. It is the ability to bounce back from stress, from adversity, from difficult situations. And like I mentioned, trauma is a big piece of this, but if you haven't experienced some specific trauma doesn't mean, you're not still stressed and having a challenging time or struggling or suffering. And so resilience is absolutely needed. Another piece of understanding what resilience is, is it involves adapting positively to challenges, being flexible maintaining a mental wellbeing, and being able to move forward despite these setbacks.

When individuals, it helps individuals recover from hardships and from that, those hardships potentially even grow stronger through those experiences and be able to handle difficult situations better and cope than you did before. That can be a silver lining to a challenge is you now have gone through it, you've built these coping skills, you've built this resilience, and now you're more equipped and better adept to handle challenges in the future.

Characteristics of Resilient People

We've all probably seen resilient people. We've met them, maybe we're even one of them. So some characteristics of resilient people are being adaptable to change, being flexible to change. Change, any sort of transition, even something as what could seem benign as moving moving where you live could...

That's a massive change, right? And so some of us handle that better than others and those that are resilient look at that as a new experience as something positive. So again, it's how you frame it. So when you maintain a positive outlook, when you're able to see a silver lining or see that an experience has both positive and negative, but you're choosing to focus on the more positive piece, that is a form of resilience.

And those are people that tend to be more resilient. And lastly Someone who's resilient, they're much better at problem solving. They have great effective problem solving skills. They look at a challenge and they see, How can I solve it?

Benefits of Resilience

Some of the benefits are you have an improved ability to cope with stress. You're able to manage the emotions that come up, the anxiety that comes up when you're stressed.

And just being able to be flexible and not be so bothered when there's a challenge. You have overall enhanced emotional well being. You have probably less anxiety and depression. Relationships are better, they're more supportive. Your job doesn't really feel as stressful, maybe you even enjoy it. Just overall there's enhanced well being.

And then lastly, there's just greater overall life satisfaction. You have joy in things. You experience that you feel happy. You are able to do your day to day without getting overwhelmed and feeling like when things come up, you have the confidence to manage them and deal with them.

Factors that Influence Resilience

So what are some of the factors that influence resilience? Some of the personal factors are you have that self efficacy piece, that confidence, when something difficult happens there isn't an immediate anxiety of what am I going to do? How am I going to do this? Just that there's less self doubt. The self talk looks very different. It looks more like I've been through something difficult before. I can handle this. I can do this. Okay. Is this something I can change? Okay. How can I change it? Is this something I can't change? Okay. How can I begin to accept it? And what does that look like?

And then some external factors are the supportive relationships and community that you have.

Strategies to Build Resilience

Lastly, the strategies to build this resilience.

We talked a lot about what it is, what it looks like. Now how do we build it?

So you're developing a growth mindset. These challenges that come up, they are opportunity to learn. The phrase growth mindset got a lot of popularity these past couple of years. How do we look at these difficulties and take it more as a positive and challenge ourselves.

Another one is practicing self care. So we're going to do that by prioritizing our physical and mental health. So that means having good boundaries with people, with work. Knowing when we need a break for something. Knowing that we need to exercise and eat well and have healthy relationships.

All of those things. The more we practice our self care, the more resilient we are when a stress comes up. If we're exhausted and hungry and stressed out, and then some sort of challenging thing happens at work we usually don't have the bandwidth to deal with it. And so we just lose all that resilience.

But if we have all of those other things in place, we're feeling confident and resilient and then it just becomes alright, how do I handle this project that's due next week and I don't know where to begin. Okay, I'm going to problem solve around it.

Another one is we're going to strengthen social connections. The more supportive relationships that we have, the easier it is to ask for help, to get help, to be supported, to have positive support in our lives.

And lastly, we're going to cultivate that optimism. Situations that happen, that are challenging, they can be looked at from so many different perspectives and depending on the person and who they are it will do that.

And when you see someone who is more resilient, they often are focusing on those positive aspects. And it doesn't mean they're ignoring the negative aspects, but it also means that's not where they're putting all their weight into it. If you can begin to notice the more positive things, you have a mindset shift. Things start to look different. They become less stressful.

If this all seems too challenging and we've had a lot of difficulties in our life and maybe resilience isn't something we know how to do Therapy Now SF is great. Our therapists are great about building that resilience. That's one of the main things that we do. You can reach out and talk to somebody and get that support that you need.

A big topic is perfectionism and how do we overcome perfectionism? A lot of us can relate to, even if maybe we don't say, Oh, I am a perfectionist, we can say we have perfectionist tendencies or perfectionism is something that creeps in every once in a while. And maybe you can't, you're one of the lucky ones and that's great.

But it usually plagues most of us at some point in our life. And for some of us, it's just a day to day challenge. So let's define perfectionism and the impact it has on mental health. So it's the relentless pursuit of flawlessness. It's often accompanied by critical self evaluation and concern over other people's judgments.

It usually, or almost always, means you have unrealistic high standards for yourself. You put a lot of pressure on yourself to meet these standards. And understandably, that's going to lead to a lot of stress, anxiety, depression, burnout exhaustion. Yeah, it can be a lot if it's really intense for you.

And the last piece of it is as you're, striving for this perfectionistic way for this excellence, right? It will, in turn, it can hinder your personal growth and being, because you have such a fear of failure that you're not able to complete tasks that you need to do or be creative or get things done.

It can really make somebody stuck and almost paralyzed to do things. I'll talk about that a little bit later.

Signs of Perfectionism

So there's signs of perfectionism and a little bit of what I talked about, but I'll go into a little bit more of what the characteristics and what it works looks like.

So you're setting these unrealistic high standards. The obvious one is it shows itself at work. That's where you can really usually see it. But, people do this as a parent setting really high expectations, like what are other parents doing?

And then in turn, you put that on your kids. Or even how you are in relationships, you need to be the perfect daughter or the perfect friend. The perfect coworker, all of those things. So it's not just at work, in terms of the tasks or the projects you're doing, it can also be in the relationships that you're building.

Another sign is a fear of failure and making mistakes. So you worry and maybe even ruminate about mistakes and what those negative consequences will be. And that in turn leads to our next sign, which is you then procrastinate. And that's because the concern and the fear is that you're not going to meet those standards.

And so instead of just saying to yourself I'm going to do the best I can, or I don't need to be perfect or whatever. You end up not being able and you just get stuck and paralyzed to even do the tasks. And so you delay them and then you worry more and worry more.

And then that's when anxiety develops.

Psychological Roots of Perfectionism

When we're talking about perfectionism, it's helpful to know what the psychological roots of perfectionism are. So they often come from early experiences and upbringing. So that might have been a harsh critical parent or teacher or coach.

Maybe even later on it can happen, right, from a boss or manager. And then it also some other roots of that is a desire for control and approval. And that can also be from as a child if love was conditional based on if you did things or how well you did things.

So that's the approval piece. And then the control piece is often sometimes if you struggle with some anxiety is also another way that we try to control things. And so perfectionism also plays into that as well.

Negative Effects of Perfectionism

So the negative effects of perfectionism, and I mentioned it very briefly a little bit ago, but I think let's talk about a little bit more. Negative effects of perfectionism are chronic stress and anxiety, extreme fatigue, exhaustion.

And this isn't your run of the mill stress. It can be just persistent and really can be really debilitating for a lot of people. Another negative effect is burnout and decreased productivity. This obviously is, we can relate that the most to work, but it definitely happens in the day to day and as who you are, again, as maybe a parent or in your relationship with your partner or even as being a friend.

And this is the strained relationships piece. So it if you're always trying to be perfect in everything you do. do, it's going to make you also avoid some friendships or avoid interactions with family members. Because it's just like this idea of if I can't do it just right, I'm just not going to do it at all.

And so then that can be really isolating as well.

Strategies to Overcome Perfectionism

So now the most important piece is what are the ways, the strategies to overcome perfectionism. So it's setting realistic goals and breaking these tasks into manageable steps. Often people with perfectionism have goals that are just not attainable whether that means they need to get some project done within an hour and then they're frustrated they couldn't do that. Or this PowerPoint needs to be absolutely perfect.

And so they spend hours upon hours when really it shouldn't have should have taken half or a quarter of that amount of time. So it's setting realistic goals, knowing when to stop, even if something isn't exactly perfect. And then breaking it into manageable steps. It's practicing self compassion. Treating yourself with understanding and kindness, just with care and how you would treat another person is how you then can treat yourself. When those perfectionistic thoughts come up, you want to challenge them. So when these irrational beliefs are happening, you want to replace them with more balanced thinking. And so that, of course, takes being mindful, noticing when they're even irrational. Because if you've been operating in one way and being perfectionistic for a very long time, sometimes you don't even notice you're doing it, right?

It's just automatic. So it's being able to notice when they come up. Being able to have a more balanced way of thinking. And lastly, this might be the most challenging, which is embracing those mistakes. Which does sound really difficult. Looking at mistakes as opportunities for growth and being able to tolerate a mistake.

So maybe you had a project at work and your manager gives you constructive feedback. Instead of spiraling into a place of self criticism and horrible things that maybe you say to yourself, it's like, all right, I made some mistakes. How can I now not do this next time? Or what can it look like next time that would be different? Or everybody makes mistakes and I'm human like everybody else.

And so how can I move on from this instead of beating myself up. We see a lot of people at therapy now SF who have perfectionistic ways of being and levels of how it disrupts their life and all, again, with work or relationships and procrastination, I think is one of the biggest things that it does.

Being able to recognize this is such a challenging pattern for me, that I'm not able to do this on my own. I need a professional. I need some outside support to help manage that. I don't even know how to replace my irrational beliefs and make my thinking more balanced. And so that's when it can be helpful to reach out to a therapist and together work on bringing the awareness. And then learning how to replace that way of thinking and behavior.

And so that way it looks different and you're not struggling as much and decreasing anxiety and decreasing depression and just overall decreasing your stress. It's not a bad thing to reach out. It doesn't mean you're making a mistake or that you're a mistake because something's wrong with you because you have perfectionistic ways. Being self compassionate about that and recognizing when maybe it's time I get a little bit of help.

Let's talk about the power of self compassion, what self compassion is and how to cultivate it more in your own life.

I think self compassion is something maybe a few years ago was really buzzy, but I think maybe it's not as much in the zeitgeist as it was. It's still incredibly important and something that as a therapist, we're talking to our clients about all the time.

Something I'm trying to remind myself of all the time. It's not the easiest thing to do. And so it's great to continue to make it a conversation.

So what does self compassion mean? It means treating yourself with care and kindness and understanding with empathy. With... I was going to say with compassion, that's obvious.

And realizing that not just everybody else has imperfections, but that we, of course, have imperfections and struggles. And one of the best ways that I try to explain this to clients and even friends and to myself is the empathy you have that you would give to a friend. Turn that back on yourself.

Give it to yourself. That's really, as simple as saying, What would I say to a friend? And then turning on yourself. And sometimes when I think to myself, Oh, how can I be self compassionate? What would I say to myself? My mind goes completely blank. And so then that's when I have to literally say, what would I say to a friend? And then it just rolls off the tongue.

So let's talk a little bit deeper into the components of self compassion. So self kindness, like I mentioned, is treating yourself with understanding and care instead of that harsh judgment. Another piece is having common humanity, recognizing that suffering and personal failure are part of the shared human experience.

They are part of life and keeping that at the forefront of what's going on in context. And then mindfulness. So observing our negative thoughts as they come up. We can't change any of our thoughts or have self-compassion if we're not noticing it at first. And then when you are observing them, you're noticing those feelings with openness and clarity without over-identifying with them.

Benefits of Practicing Self-Compassion

So the benefits of practicing self compassion when we do this, we can start to build emotional resilience. And what that means is we can help ourselves recover quickly from setbacks. The more resilient we become, the more flexible we are, just the easier it is to get through life's day to day challenges.

And when we have massive setbacks or challenges. We'll have overall improved mental health. That one might be obvious. But to be a little more specific is linking that to lower anxiety, depression, and stress. And another piece of improved mental health means we're going to have better relationships.

We're going to be able to support our friends in a better way because we're being kinder to ourselves. So we're feeling better. So we have the emotional bandwidth to be able to support other people. Not just friends, but of course, family members, coworkers, neighbors. Anybody that's in your community, you're going to have more empathy for them because you're having more empathy for yourself.

And then lastly is personal growth so You can pursue your goals without as much fear. Learning is a little bit easier. You're looking at difficult things as more of a challenge, not as a barrier that you can't overcome.

Practical Tips for Cultivating Self-Compassion

When we're practicing mindfulness and engaging in mindfulness exercises, that means being aware of all of your senses. When we're being more mindful, we have an openness and a curiosity into what our thoughts are.

Most of us just operate in autopilot. And so our thoughts are just whizzing by and it's habit and we don't really think twice of it. But when you're practicing mindfulness, you start to tune in to what those thoughts are.

And next one is just, in general, being more kind to yourself. So when those self critical thoughts come up, how can you replace that with more supportive words. And I think the other piece is that sometimes when we have critical self thoughts, we then criticize those thoughts and get mad at ourselves for those thoughts. And and then you're mad at yourself for doing that. And it just becomes like you're stacking on top of each other.

And so instead of that, again, it's this curiosity of ah, you label it. That was a self critical thought. And okay, what would be an alternate way to handle that. And then another piece would be recognizing our common humanity, that everybody struggles, that life is challenging in general, we all suffer in different ways and it doesn't help to be angry at ourselves.

And then lastly would be self compassion exercises. That can look like writing yourself a letter that's more compassionate, or a guided meditation, or reading a book that's maybe a self help book. Any of those things will help self compassion.

And if you're interested in learning more about self compassion, one of the main leading researchers is Dr. Kristin Neff. I actually went to a talk of hers a couple of years ago, and this is what she does.

This is her day in and day out. And she's absolutely incredible in how she phrases these things. And I think one of the things that she talks about is it can feel really cheesy to think of self compassion or that people feel like if they're not hard on themselves and they won't achieve their goals and all this kind of stuff.

And what her research shows is actually, it does the opposite. That when we're very self critical it actually stunts us being able to complete our goals. It stunts how we interact in a relationship. It makes our anxiety and depression worse and all of those things. So there is legit research that shows what self-compassion can do.

And that it doesn't have to be something that's cheesy or overhyped. It can just be something that you're practicing in the day to day. And if you're really having a hard time with even understanding how to do this, that's where talking to a therapist is really helpful. And our therapists at Therapy Now SF try to practice this with themselves like we all do and definitely encourage it. And when working with our clients. So it's something that we're, again, it's just a work in progress. We're all trying. Anybody would be lying if they said they did all the time. And it's just the practice, you just keep going. And it's challenging sometimes and not others. But you keep plugging away.

An important topic that I think a lot of us experienced or we know someone that does experience this, which is social anxiety. So I think we all know that as a general term and you hear it running around all the time of, oh I've social anxiety, or I have some social anxiety. And not to say that people aren't experiencing social anxiety, but it might not be completely diagnosable.

But again, even though that they're experiencing it, that's still really important. And what we're going to talk about is ways to manage that, whether it's minor and it comes up a little bit of discomfort, to impacting you to the point where you're really not able even to socialize. So let's start with the definition of and symptoms of social anxiety.

Understanding Social Anxiety

So social anxiety disorder is the more technical term, also known as social phobia. It's a very common mental health condition. And it's an intense fear of social situations where one might be scrutinized by others.

So there's statistical prevalence of this, pretty high: 1 in 10 people experience social anxiety at some point in their lives.

I would say it's even higher than that, but those are the numbers that the research shows. And then there's some demographic variations as well. Often people start to experience it in childhood or adolescence with a median age around 13 years old. It's common for social anxiety to develop after the age of 25.

And gender-wise, women are more likely to be both diagnosed and experience social anxiety 1.5 to 2 times higher than men.

And then there's an urban versus rural difference as well. And urban areas are higher and the possible reason for that is just there's more social interaction demands in urban areas.

Psychological Strategies

Social anxiety, like I mentioned earlier, can be incredibly debilitating. But with the right strategies, it can be managed and overcome. So that's an exciting piece.

Some very effective ways to manage social anxiety are cognitive behavioral therapy also known as CBT.

And basically what that is something in the environment happens, you have thoughts about that experience, and you have bodily sensations about that experience, and then you act in a way because of that.

For example, I'm going to a work mixer. And this would be social anxiety provoking for me, actually. And so my thoughts would be, might be, what am I going to talk about? Are they going to think I sound stupid? Do I ask them about their job? Do we talk about personal? What if there's silence? And then immediately now I'm anxious. My heart starts racing. Maybe my palms are sweating. And then my brain isn't functioning as well and I'm not able to just talk comfortably as I would with a friend.

So ways to handle that are exposure therapy. So it's gradually facing that feared social interaction. So it might be, in that example, maybe you go for 30 minutes. And before that you're talking about ways that you can, maybe you're prepping a little bit, so maybe you're saying like, you think of some topics that you can talk to people about, maybe you're doing a little role play in your house by yourself or with a friend.

And so you're getting ready for that. There's also mindfulness and relaxation techniques for reducing the symptoms. So mindfulness is you're getting aware of all of your senses. Relaxation techniques might be to some deep breathing... again, some kind of calming statements, some reassuring statements.

Lifestyle Changes

So then there's lifestyle changes as well. So regular exercise we know can be really helpful and anxiety reduction overall. Having a healthy diet.

So if you're about to go to this work event, you might not want to have a ton of caffeine, because caffeine - it helps you stay awake. If you have too much of it, it might produce some anxiety. Your heart might start racing and your thoughts might start racing and it's can be a little bit intense.

And then you also want adequate sleep. That's a really great way to manage anxiety. Often when we don't have a lot of sleep, we immediately feel anxious and out of it.

Practical Tips for Managing Social Situations

So some practical tips for managing social situations.

A little bit what I talked about before. So some preparation, planning, and maybe rehearsing what social interactions can look like. Doing again some deep breathing, some grounding techniques. And then some positive self talk and affirmations. This is all helpful and it can be helpful to do on your own.

Seeking Professional Help

If again, it's so debilitating for you that you're noticing you're not seeing friends, you're having a hard time interacting with co-workers and going to parties and all these different things, then that might be the time to consult a mental health professional. And you can look into the different types of therapy and counseling that's available.

Like I mentioned, CBT is one of the most popular ones. It's one of the most evidence based and effective ways for social anxiety of treatment. And lastly, if it's really debilitating, medication can be really helpful too. And maybe that means, medication short term until you get a grasp and you get all these tools under your belt, or it might mean medication longer term and that's okay.

We all have different chemistry, biology, and different life circumstances. And so doing what you need to help yourself is totally fine.

Building a Support System

And then, lastly, building a support system. The more comfortable you can even be with friends and family, it's like practice. And then they're also supportive of you to help you do these things.

You can join support groups. There's social skills training programs. There's public speaking programs. There's different online communities and other resources for social support.

So to sum everything up, social anxiety is incredibly common. Most of us, I would say, have some level of it at some point in our life.

So we can all empathize with someone who's really struggling with it. We possibly know someone who really struggles with social anxiety. And so ways to manage that are some of the ways I mentioned of practicing, positive self talk, maybe some CBT, doing exposure, building up to bigger events. Practice really does make perfect in this area. Having a good support group, a social community and yeah, just keep at it. It does get better over time and there's going to be, for lack of a better word, you're going to have missteps and you got to keep pushing forward and not give up for those missteps.

And like always, if it's really debilitating and these things that you can't do on your own, which for a lot of us, that's the case, reaching out to a mental health professional.

And if you're in California TherapyNowSF has many therapists who work with social anxiety. And so that's something that we can definitely help with.

Navigating life transitions. This is something we can all relate to. We've all had some form of life transition in our life. There's obvious ones moving, starting a new job, starting a new school or just starting school. Maybe Losing a loved one, maybe retirement, the ending of a relationship, the start of a new relationship, any sort of health challenges... Okay, I'll stop.

That's enough. We all get the idea of what a life transition is. So they can be very challenging, but with the right strategies and mindset, they can be navigated successfully, and they can also be looked at as a growing opportunity. And a challenge that's positive and can help us grow in ways that we couldn't think of.

But we've got to be mindful of all these things to actually make it so that way it can be done in a relatively successful way. Some impacts of life transitions are, they can have a massive emotional and psychological toll. They can create a lot of anxiety.

They can bring on depression. It could be triggering for trauma, such as losing a loved one. It can be a lot and that stress can be so much that it can impact our sleep, it can impact our eating our social engagement, our ability to focus. And whether that's work or just in general our ability to be present in life.

So there's a lot of ways it can impact us. That's why it's important to have some strategies.

Psychological and Emotional Strategies

So one strategy for a life transition is acceptance and mindfulness. So if this transition is happening and you don't have control that it's going to happen either way, even if it's a positive thing, you're moving to a place you always wanted to move to, it's still a massive transition and a big change. So having acceptance of what you can and can't control can be really helpful. Embracing that change. And doing your best to stay present. So when those anxious thoughts come up, you're noticing those thoughts and you are also maybe challenging them to more logical and rational statements and doing some self care of what would be helpful right now so I can bring my anxiety down.

Like it's really intense. Can I go outside for a walk? Can I take a shower, can I talk to a friend? Any of those things to help manage that anxiety. Some cognitive behavioral strategies as well. So noticing when these negative thoughts come up. Actively challenging those thoughts .And then helping yourself develop a more positive outlook.

Being flexible is a huge way to go about this. That helps with resilience. So the more flexible and our ability to adapt and change, the better off we're going to be in the long term.

Practical Steps for Managing Transitions

Some more practical ways to manage any sort of big transition or even small transition, is by doing a lot of planning and preparation.

So setting realistic goals for yourself, creating some sort of action plan And with this, you still want to be flexible and adaptable. Another one would be building a good support system. Being able to rely on family and friends, professional networks, if needed maybe some support groups, even looking online for ways to manage it and really reaching out to different support systems.

Maintaining Physical and Mental Health

Ways to maintain your physical and mental health. So having healthy lifestyle habits are going to help. So like I mentioned before, maybe you go for a run. Regular exercise is going to manage both anxiety and depression. Having a balanced diet.

All of these are setting you up for success. So that way you still may feel some anxiety, but at least you've slept well and you went for a walk and you went to the gym and you ate a balanced meal. Your anxiety could be a lot worse than it actually is.

And then doing some self care and stress management. Self care can look like allowing yourself to, at night, read a book.

A book that you like. Whatever that looks like for some people that is a crime series for others that's like a positive psychology or a fantasy novel, whatever you like, that would be the one to do. And doing what you can to just manage that stress, having a schedule anything to prevent burnout.

Professional Guidance

If things become too challenging and, you've tried all these things that I've just mentioned, reaching out for professional guidance and support is also really helpful.

At TherapyNowSF we have a lot of people that have just moved to San Francisco, or have just moved to California, or are starting a new job, ended a relationship. Just had a call the other day for probably all these things.

Those are really common experiences. People sometimes feel like that stress is too much, understandably, and so it takes reaching out to a professional.

Another way to go about it is also, you could have a career or life coach they can provide some direction and motivation as well. And so to sum everything up: Can you embrace the change?

Can you recognize there might be some growth there? And even if the change is a negative one, like losing a loved one or the ending of a relationship that you didn't want to end, there will be growth there in time. And it can be from self discovery. It can be from managing anxiety in a different way this time that helps you manage it better next time.

It will build resilience and help you handle future changes. And also, I think, give you that confidence that I've been through hard things before I can do it again. And reminding yourself those stories of when things were difficult and it doesn't stay usually difficult forever and it does get better.

So keeping that in mind, keeping that hope idea in mind.

Let's talk about the impacts of social media. It's something that is talked about a lot. I feel like it's always these negative ideas and connotations around it. And not to say that's not true. And there's also some positive too.

And so it's a balanced, it can be a balanced way to engage in the world. Let's talk about both the mental health positive and negative impacts. And then let's also talk about how to engage with it in a healthy way.

Positive Impacts of Social Media

So let's start with positive. Some of the positive impacts are you can stay connected to friends, family, co-workers, someone you met at a restaurant... who knows. Someone you dated, someone... your neighbor. There's a lot of people you can stay connected to. That's cool. You see what they're up to. And then you can also have access to different support groups, mental health information. I like it for shopping, personally.

That can be a little dangerous, of course. Maybe I should move that into the negative impacts.

Negative Impacts of Social Media

And then, so what are the negative impacts? The big one, the really big one that I think we all can automatically think of, which is the social comparison piece. We all do it as humans.

We're always, unfortunately comparing ourselves to other people. It's just a natural part of being a human. It's how we have frame of reference into our own identity and who we are and what we want out of life. But when we do it a lot, and some of us do it more than others for varying degrees, it can lead to low self esteem.

It can lead to depression, anxiety. It can lead to feelings of doubt, self-doubt, insecurity. Significant negative impacts. Another big one is the prevalence of and the impact of cyberbullying. That's huge. And cyberbullying isn't just, sometimes we think of that for, 18 and under for younger people, but that is, as we know, absolutely not true.

People get behind a keyboard and go nuts and say things that would never say to somebody in person. And that happens to everybody. And I think the younger people are going to be more susceptible and vulnerable, but that doesn't mean we're not all impacted, especially as adults. And then the last one is, anytime we're excessively online or, on social media, we're reducing the real life interactions and productivity that we can do.

It's a distraction and sometimes we need a little distraction, but if again, we're using it in an excessive way that's not a very healthy way to go about it.

Strategies for Healthy Engagement

So some strategies for healthy engagement: You're going to want to limit that screen time and ways to do that are different monitoring tools.

There's different apps for that. There's ways you can set an alarm or, I'm going to go on Instagram for 20 minutes right now, and I'm going to cut myself off then and really sticking to it and having those boundaries. And another way to have healthy engagement is to follow more positive accounts and to unfollow the negative ones.

I think another piece around this is maybe not getting too lost in the comments where the negative comments can lay. And lastly, being mindful of the emotional responses that you're having and engaging in a thoughtful way. And what does that mean, right? Immediately, if you can start to feel like a lump in your throat and you're having bodily sensations or frustration or whatever.

And so then you ask yourself, what's going on right now? Why do I feel this way? And often it's some social comparison that we're doing, or, I think a big one that this happens for is people are traveling and it's like, oh, how do they get to travel? I'm at work. I'm at home. I'm taking care of kids.

I'm... whatever. And often people only post when they're traveling, and they only post when they're going to a cool restaurant, or doing an activity, or they're not posting when they're cleaning their kitchen and putting their kids to bed or whatever the more mundane things.

Summarizing all of that it's helpful again to think that: It's not just all negative and that there are some positives. So how do we increase those positive interactions? And just monitoring your time, noticing those interactions, trying to follow the more positive accounts and making sure you're still engaging with people in person as well.

And maybe you're using it as a tool to keep connected with people that you don't see as often. And then maybe it's a way to make plans with people that you then can see more often because you realize you miss them. Lastly, if this becomes, for some of us too big of a distraction or too difficult, it can be helpful to reach out to a therapist to talk about how it's making you feel insecure or having self-doubt and just talking to a professional about the effects of it and ways to manage it in a more effective way.

Understanding boundaries. Let's start with types of boundaries. There's emotional, physical, and time boundaries.

Emotional boundaries are feeling respected, feeling safe, feeling understood.

Physical boundaries, that might be more obvious. Also being safe, consent, feeling like you have control of your physical self.

And lastly, time boundaries, can be as simple as when you're meeting a friend and they show up two hours late and you're just sitting at the restaurant. Or in terms of like work and having those time boundaries of you stop at a certain time and your boss allows that or your colleagues allow that. And so those are sort of time boundaries.

The benefits of setting these boundaries are reduces stress. You have better relationship satisfaction. You have increased self esteem. You are overall just it's better mental health when there's clear boundaries. And in saying that some people are easier to have clear boundaries with than others.

Some people automatically have appropriate boundaries with each person and then others, you might have to start essentially teaching them your boundaries.

Recognizing the Need for Boundaries

When you notice somebody has poor boundaries, so maybe you're starting to feel resentful or taken advantage of listen to that, notice it and start to recognize, okay, that means that I need to start to set some limits and what works for me and knowing for you what works.

And so maybe it's automatic that you're someone who's a people pleaser. I can relate to that. I tend to be. And so I have to, I've had to, and it doesn't mean I've figured it out by any means, but it does mean I'm working on it. And to say no to things or just say, actually, that doesn't really work for me.

This works for me. Or if I need more time to think about if it works for me, Hey, let me think about that and get back to you.

How to Establish Boundaries

And so when you're establishing these boundaries, you're really looking inwards and figuring out what you need, what works for you and also what you want. And then it's communicating those boundaries to that person.

You're communicating them assertively. You're not, of course, being aggressive. You're just being Direct and clear. And then, if you're dealing with somebody who doesn't have the best boundaries in general, you've got to be then consistent with them of maintaining those appropriate and healthy boundaries for yourself, because the reality, unfortunately, is that if we're inconsistent with someone who doesn't have the best boundaries, we will then go back to feeling resentful and not cared for and wanting to just distance ourselves.

So in some ways. often training somebody to do that. And I think again, this can happen in all of our types of relationships. I think sometimes families are the ones we think of first because we've become so habituated to what their boundaries are from growing up with our family.

And so it takes us sometimes time to be unwind and realize actually, that doesn't feel good or that I don't want that to be anymore. And so then it's, like you're training somebody, but you're having to retrain them when you've been one way for 25, 35 years. So that can be really challenging. And that's where consistency is huge.

Dealing with Boundary Pushbacks

And so in saying all of that, there can be boundary pushbacks. People getting frustrated with you, getting mad at you, not understanding, you've been one way this whole time. Why are you now being this other way? It can be jarring for people, so I think having some empathy around that too of, if, you've been operating one way for however many years and then all of a sudden you're flipping the script and you're changing that narrative.

It is going to be challenging for someone to understand, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. It just means you've got to now learn how to handle that resistance, staying firm, staying compassionate. It doesn't mean inflexible, rigid boundaries. It can be boundaries that are compromises and that you are negotiating what works for them and what works for you.

But always go back to the self reflection piece of, is this compromise okay for me or am I just compromising because I can't handle the resistance.

Maintaining and Adjusting Boundaries

So check ins are really helpful, when you're maintaining and adjusting these boundaries. You're checking in with yourself. Maybe you're checking in with the person to and figuring out, having that reflection, having that insight of what works for you. Being adaptable can be really helpful to changes and knowing that relationships grow and change.

And that's totally appropriate and that you're allowed to do that.

So in conclusion, with all of this boundary setting and having your own boundaries, is a necessary part of life. For some of us, it's easier than others. For some of us, it is harder. And it starts with that self reflection piece, that checking in of what's working for you.

Am I feeling exhausted by this person? Am I feeling disrespected by them? Is this a continual pattern that I'm noticing? If so, I've got to start setting some boundaries and I've got to start setting emotional boundaries, time boundaries, and I've got to do that in a compassionate way and a way that works for me, but is also consistent and appropriate.

And relationships are such a integral part of our lives and our happiness and our contentness and well being. And so the more you can have healthy boundaries, the healthier and happier you will be in all of these types of relationships. And at Therapy Now SF, we work with people in relationships all the time.

That's another one of our main categories that people come in with. And again, it's relationships of all type: romantic, familial, friendship, and professional. And being able to discuss with a neutral third party and someone who is an expert in what boundaries can look like and helping you sometimes give you the words of what you can say to somebody else.

That's something our therapists are really great at doing and therapists in general are really great at doing. And reaching out to somebody if you're really struggling with what boundaries look like, it's okay to reach out, past your own circle, to figure out what's needed for you.