Are you feeling anxious? I'm going to tell you these quick techniques to calm down fast. I'm Dr. Andrea Zorbas. I'm a clinical psychologist in San Francisco, California, and here are some quick techniques for you.

So, a grounding exercise. Use the 5-4-3-2-1 method, which is, you name five things you see, four things you feel, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste. Next one is some breath works. So try box breathing. You're going to inhale for four seconds. Hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four, repeat.

Next is visualization. Imagine a safe and calming place. Is this the beach? Is this the forest? Is this somewhere in your home? Engage in your senses. What does it look, smell, and feel like? Close your eyes while you do this.

Then we have progressive muscle relaxation, tense and release each muscle group from head to toe. And you're going to want to do that for three seconds. release each time.

Do you need help managing anxiety? Therapy Now SF can give you tools for long term relief. Reach out today.

Let's talk about imposter syndrome. Hi, I'm Dr. Andrea Zorbas. I'm a psychologist in San Francisco, California. So a lot of us struggle with this. it is this feeling usually at work that we have not earned our success.

We often think our success at work is attributed to luck or external factors or other people.

We avoid new challenges out of this fear of failing.

And we feel like we need to work twice as hard just to prove ourselves.

So let's break that cycle. Challenge that negative self talk.

Such things as, would you say these things to a friend?

Keep a wins journal to remind yourself of accomplishments. I personally write them down in my notes app, so it's accessible, it's easy, and I can do it right away.

And then you're going to want to seek support from mentors or colleagues or even a therapist.

Lastly, reframe your mistakes as learning experiences. They are not proof of failure, they are just ways that you can improve for the next time.

If you're still struggling with imposter syndrome, it's a really tough one to get around. Please reach out to Therapy Now SF. We can help you build your confidence, overcome self doubt, and figure out tips and tricks and coping so that way you can stop not giving yourself the credit you deserve and feeling like you actually are a success.

Is social media making you more narcissistic? I'm Dr. Andrea Zorbas. I'm a psychologist in San Francisco, California. Let's talk about it.

So do you ever feel like social media is all about likes and followers and validation? Well, here's why. Social media, it does encourage self promotion, and it does focus on image obsession over real connection.

That like button, it's a dopamine driven validation, and it makes us crave more attention. So it's not totally your fault, it's the brain taking over. So things like filters and staged posts and highlight reels, they create this unrealistic self expectation. And, These narcissistic behaviors online include prioritizing followers over friendships, seek constant validation, and have a lack of empathy in online interactions.

So how do you avoid this trap? You're going to have to limit your screen time, take social media breaks, follow authentic content, focus on real life relationships over this digital approval.

If you're having a hard time doing this and you notice social media is taking over your life and it's taking over how you feel, you're feeling anxious, depressed after you're on, social media, reach out to Therapy Now SF. We can help you.

Are you looking for a therapist near you?

I'm Dr. Andrea Zorbas. I'm a psychologist in San Francisco, California. Let me help you figure this out.

So if you're in California, you can see anybody in California through video or phone. And if you are wanting somebody in person, then obviously you're going to want to do a shorter search that is just in your zip code.

What are the things that you're looking for in a therapist?

Number one when you talk to them for that initial phone consult, do I feel comfortable? Baseline. Do I feel like I can open up to them? Do I feel like I can be vulnerable with them, build a relationship with them? Do I feel safe with them?

Number two, can they work with what I'm coming in with? Is that general anxiety? Is that a relationship challenge? Is that work stress? Is that trauma? If it's something a little bit more specific, say OCD or something like that. You really want to make sure that is their wheelhouse.

Next is referrals. Have I heard about somebody through a friend, a colleague, a family member? Or maybe I'm just doing a Google search and see who comes up and I'm looking at bios and who feels like a good fit to me.

Next is, if this is important to you, similar identities. Those identities might be similar ethnic background, cultural background, sexuality background, religious background, gender background.

So those are the main things you're going to want to look for. The biggest one, do I feel comfortable with them? Do I feel like I can open up with them? If the answer is yes, make that first appointment, check it out. You're never stuck with anybody. You can always switch therapists after a few sessions, but give it a few sessions and then go from there.

Did you know narcissism and empathy are on a spectrum? And here's what that means for relationships. I'm a psychologist in San Francisco at Therapy Now SF, and I can help you understand this and how to deal with it.

So there's narcissism, there's empathy, and it's on a spectrum. It means varying levels of self focus and varying levels of emotional awareness.

Narcissists key struggle:

• They prioritize their needs

• And making emotional connection is really hard

• Narcissists show signs of low empathy

• They dismiss other people's emotions

• They make everything about them

• And they are inconsistent in how they care about you

Coping tips for dealing with narcissists:

• Set boundaries

• Don't rely on their validation

• Seek support for your own emotional well being

Are you dealing with a narcissist? Protect your peace and reach out to Therapy Now SF.

Alright let's talk about the narcissistic parent and the long term effects and healing strategies.

What are the traits of a narcissistic parent? It's someone that needs a lot of control. Often they use manipulation or guilt or fear to control a child's decisions.

Another characteristic is they often lack empathy. And so they can be invalidating to a child's feelings and needs or just even ignore those feelings and needs altogether. together.

And then, love is conditional. And so offering love is really approval based. And when a child meets certain expectations, often that are put on by the parent, then that's when love is given. And then there's often high expectations and perfectionism placed on a child. So these unrealistic demands and again for a child to perform and achieve in a certain way.

A parent that's narcissistic will do a lot of projection and blame, and so they'll shift the blame onto their child for their problems or the, even the failures within the family.

And lastly the parent often needs admiration. And so they can need admiration from others and then they can want their child to have the admiration as well. And then that can be a little tricky too, because then there can be jealousy around the admiration.

Effects of Growing Up with a Narcissistic Parent

So what are the long term effects of growing up with a narcissistic parent? As you can imagine this is a really challenging experience that a lot of people go through. And so the effects are someone that has a narcissistic parent often then has some low self esteem. They're constantly now critical of themselves. Those criticisms that their parents gave them, they now often take on themselves. They often feel unworthy.

Often someone will then also have people pleasing tendencies. When love was conditional, you're seeking approval from others. And then as an adult, you then often people pleased to get that same love.

Someone can also then have a challenging time setting boundaries. Saying no in relationships is really hard.

Often someone can develop anxiety and depression. They're used to just chronic stress of being around a narcissistic parent, and so they often have a lot of emotional dysregulation.

And lastly there can be attachment issues. So they can have challenging time forming healthy relationships and that's often due to fear of abandonment or having distrust.

How to Recognize if You Had a Narcissistic Parent

So how do you recognize if you've had a narcissistic parent? So if you're experiencing a lot of signs of some lingering emotional effects of self doubt and excessive self criticism, an inability to prioritize your needs, you never feel good enough, no matter how much you achieve, that may have been an experience that you've had.

Healing Strategies for Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents

So let's move into healing strategies for adult children of narcissistic parents. Let's start with self compassion. You want to treat yourself with kindness and really challenge those self critical thoughts. Cause remember often those self critical thoughts are just you now repeating what that narcissistic parent may have said to you, and they become your own voice.

You're going to want to be able to set boundaries. So that's both emotional and physical boundaries especially, with your narcissistic parent, but also with everybody in your life. So that includes coworkers, friends, everybody, other family members.

Often people will seek therapy to address childhood wounds around this, and that can be really helpful to just reframe negative beliefs.

You're going to want to do a lot of inner child work and really connect with your inner child and recognizing that child was deprived of love and support and being able to try to provide that for yourself.

And lastly, you're going to want to try to build your self esteem. And so that can look like celebrating those small wins, having affirmations for yourself, surrounding yourself around people that are positive to you, that are supportive, that can recognize your many strengths and let you know about them.

Navigating the Relationship with a Narcissistic Parent

And so how do you navigate the relationship with a narcissistic parent? There's got to be a lot of acceptance versus a lot of this idea of changing the parent. It's pretty hard to change somebody who's narcissistic and to change a narcissistic parent. And so the sooner you can come to acceptance around who your parent is, the better off you're going to be.

And then another strategy is possibly limiting contact with that parent. And whether that means less contact, or in some cases, if the relationship is just too unhealthy, maybe it's no contact.

And then lastly, really enforcing boundaries. So having assertive communication, being very clear about what you need and just doing what you can to protect your mental well being.

And so it's really common if you've had a narcissistic parent that these wounds are very deep. And you can do a lot to prioritize your self care and seek support and practice self compassion. And often it's just very helpful to see a third party, a therapist, to really unpack the trauma that a parent like this can put on a child.

And that's something that at Therapy Now SF, we work with a lot of clients that have maybe difficult family dynamics or a narcissistic parent. And that can be something that we can help you with to really process what you've been through and then also develop new coping skills, new strategies to both deal with that parent and to deal with yourself, and how you communicate with yourself and how you manage yourself and just developing all those self compassionate techniques.

All right, so it's that time of year. It's New Year's resolutions time. And instead of just talking about that in general, let's talk about healthy New Year's resolutions with self compassion.

It's really easy to put all this pressure on ourselves to achieve perfection and then to be really self critical when we don't meet those goals. And so that's why I want to talk about a self compassionate way to have goals that are realistic and that you can try to sort of meet.

Why Most Resolutions Fail

So why do most resolutions fail? So sort of what I'm saying is the unrealistic aspect. They're overly ambitious. And then you burn out right away or within time. And then immediately you're disappointed. Another reason is this all or nothing thinking. Say it's, you want to work out three days a week and one week you don't do it. And you're like ah done. I failed. It's over. As opposed to ah, you know what, this week it didn't happen. Let's try again for next week. And so the last piece of this is this lack of flexibility. When you don't have flexibility, you're not able to adjust your goals when circumstances change.

The Role of Self-Compassion in Goal-Setting

So what's the role of self compassion in goal setting?

You are treating yourself with kindness. You're being more understanding. You're being more patient. You are recognizing that mistakes and setbacks are a part of reaching your goals and you make adjustments as you go. And it's without self judgment.

And I think a big piece around self compassion is that we think that if we're not critical of ourselves, then the goals won't happen. And what the research actually shows is that when we're self compassionate, we are able to meet goals easier. We are able to handle adversity, all of those things. So self compassion, there's so much research out there at this point that shows that it actually is the more effective way to manage just about everything. But in this case, we're talking about goals.

Steps to Setting Healthy, Compassionate Resolutions

So some steps to healthy compassionate goal setting ideas. You're going to start with reflection. So you're reviewing the past year with curiosity and not criticism. And trying to figure out What is it that you're wanting to focus on?

And so you're going to be setting behavior based goals. Instead of things like lose 20 pounds, it can be, I want to practice yoga twice a week. So again, it's specific and it's also a behavior as opposed to just what the outcome is.

You're going to want to break goals into small steps. This is, I think the most key part of this, you're breaking it down into micro goals. So just like the example I just gave you, it looks like, what does a day look like? As opposed to the end goal. What does a week look like? And twice a week I work out. Those types of things.

So then you're going to want to prioritize self care as you're going through all of this. And so something that looks like is, a lot of us work all day and we don't take a break. And so maybe it's 20 minutes outside to take a walk or just hits your face with some sunlight.

And lastly, you're going to want to create flexible goals. So allow yourself to have adjustments for goals. And when different life circumstances happen, that you can be flexible and shift and go with it. And so you're not so rigid about what it needs to look like.

Self-Compassion Strategies for Staying on Track

So here's some self compassionate strategies for staying on track. You're going to want to talk to yourself like you talk to a friend. So avoid those harsh self criticisms, especially after setbacks.

You're going to want to celebrate the small wins. This part is huge. No matter how small it is. So I'm focusing a lot on the weight one, because that's what a lot of people focus on for the new year, but it's also really easy to talk about it in a behavioral way. Maybe if you're trying to do the workout thing, and you want to go to the gym for an hour and a half, but you didn't today, you went and walked for 20 minutes. That's huge. Instead of doing nothing, you walked for 20 minutes. So no matter how small it is, you're really celebrating those small wins.

And then you're going to want to practice mindfulness. So when there is a setback, instead of spiraling into this failure thinking, you're going to want to really try to stay present and focus on what you've already done and what else you can do in the future.

And lastly to be flexible. So if the goal doesn't serve you anymore, or it needs to look different, it's okay to adjust it and change it.

So here's some examples of self compassionate goals. Instead of wanting to, quote unquote, be more productive, you could say, to yourself, try to take regular breaks to avoid burnout. Or try to celebrate the small wins during the day. Instead of saying, I want to be more positive. It can look like I want to practice gratitude daily. I want to practice self compassion. Just things like that.

And if you're finding it challenging to do this and do it on your own, which is totally understandable, that's when it can be really helpful to reach out to a therapist and talk about what these goals are. The therapist can help you be more self compassionate. They can with you celebrate those small wins and remind you that perfection is not the goal and it's not going to be the key to your growth.

At Therapy Now SF that's what our therapists are great at doing. We are a warm and compassionate group of individuals. And so we're really used to helping people set goals that are realistic and then getting to a place of achieving those goals.

Let's talk about dealing with family conflict during the holidays. I think that's something most of us can relate to. It's holiday time. A lot of us are going to be with our families or we already were with our family for Thanksgiving.

This is common, right? This is something that when you spend a lot of time together with somebody and we have different personalities, there's high expectations, there's desires of what we think things should be like. And so that in and of itself is often going to create conflict.

Common Causes of Family Conflict During the Holidays

So some of the reasons why conflict happens is this idea of these unmet expectations.

We see from media we should have this perfect holiday. That's not usually the case. And so that in and of itself can lead to some disappointment and conflict.

With family members, you've got different personalities, there's different worldviews, opinions, communication styles. It's not necessarily your friend group or the people that you have chosen to be around. So it's gonna be maybe different from the person that you are.

And then, during this time, there's a lot of stress just preparing for it. Maybe you're traveling. There's a social obligations. So that in itself is just going to trigger your own and other people's irritability. And just fatigue.

It's your family. And so old resentments resurface. How can they not so unresolved issues from your past family interactions, just old relationship challenges. Those things rear their head.

And lastly it can be common to have alcohol at events and that can often lead to poor judgment or just, you're more irritable, or there's more heightened conflict you're more apt to say something you don't mean, you're more impulsive.

So all of those things are why it's just such a common thing to have conflict during the holidays.

How Family Conflict Impacts Mental Health

So how does this conflict impact one's mental health? It's going to increase your anxiety or stress.

It's just going to make it where you're just having heightened emotional tension.

Depending on what conversations happen and what people say, sometimes people say really hurtful things or they're critical, family members can be critical. It can really impact your self worth or your self esteem.

And lastly, it can just be totally emotionally exhausting and leave you feeling drained and just emotionally depleted and frustrated.

Strategies for Preventing and Managing Family Conflict

So let's talk about the strategies for preventing and then managing this conflict. So going into the holidays, just set realistic expectations. It's not going to be perfect. Try to, if you're thinking of what pastimes have been like, there needs to be some acceptance that it could be challenging again.

And once you have that mindset, it can make it a little bit easier to get through it. And then for yourself, you're going to want to practice mindful communication. So try to avoid interrupting. You want to actively listen and try to respond without being defensive and empathetic. And being empathetic, not defensive, but being empathetic. And I think obviously that's easier said than done, but I think if you can go into it with the right attitude, I think you can practice it and it can happen.

And then you're going to want to set boundaries. So when different topics come up that maybe are sensitive politics is a big one or religion or, lifestyle choices. You can decide how you want to set those personal boundaries and how you want to manage those type of conversations.

And then take breaks when you need to if you need to step away when interactions get really stressful to reset, take a walk go into the kitchen and help prepare something, whatever that looks like to try to give yourself a moment to rest and refresh yourself.

And lastly, you're going to want to limit alcohol consumption. That is going to again help with the impulsivity being confrontational, being overly emotional. Any of those things.

How to Respond to Family Conflict in the Moment

And so how do you respond to conflict in the moment? Think of de-escalation techniques, like speaking slowly, staying calm, avoid raising your voice.

You're going to want to be as solution focused as possible. So instead of Blaming, you're trying to find a solution.

And then again, knowing if you need to walk away, if things emotions get too high, tensions are too high, remove yourself until things get calmer.

And then lastly, with this is try to validate somebody else's emotions, acknowledge their feelings. Saying things like, I understand this is frustrating for you. I understand. I can imagine that this is, upsetting. And that can help reduce some defensiveness.

And, during this time, it's. A lot. And so it's okay if these things aren't working and you may need to reach out to the therapist for some extra support and be able to work out some unresolved family trauma that you have some just family dynamics relationships. What somebody triggers in you just how it impacts your self esteem, being able to prepare yourself. Sometimes when I talk to clients, I talk to them about, sometimes it's your family members are so predictable, even what they're going to bring up, how they're going to bring it up, what they're going to say to the word.

You can practice different just canned things that you can say to somebody. So that way it can diffuse a situation or put boundaries around it or deescalate it. And so if you have those kind of in the back of your mind, you just have a little script for yourself. And that's a way that a therapist can be really helpful with that.

And, just do your best to prioritize your mental health. So do the things that help. Try to get as much sleep as possible. Try to limit your stress. Try to eat healthy. Try to have meaningful interactions and lower those expectations of what a family holiday should look like.

And if any of this is something that, again, is still really challenging, that's when, we're here at Therapy Now SF to help you manage these family conflicts and just help protect your mental health.

Let's talk about the power of saying no. I get excited about this topic because I think we are living in a society that really values working all the time and doing things all the time and experiences and there's nothing wrong with any of that, but when it goes too far, that is when our mental health and our physical health suffer. And so there is something really beautiful in not feeling like you're people pleasing all the time and saying yes to everything, just so you don't hurt somebody's feeling. But the power of saying no in ways that you can do that. And it really will help someone self care and their boundary setting and just reduce stress and overall improve your mental health.

Why Saying No is Difficult?

But there's a reason why people don't do it all the time. And so why is saying no so difficult? We have a fear of disappointing others, like I mentioned, being perceived as unkind. That's a big one. We have both societal pressures and cultural pressures to always be accommodating. And then by saying no or not doing something you then have a lot of guilt around that or even sometimes shame around that. And it feels guilty to prioritize your personal needs over other people's asks or demands.

So the benefits, I'm going to go over the benefits again, because it's a big deal. I'll go in a little deeper about it. So, you protect your time, you protect your energy, and it helps you focus on what really does matter to you. You're prioritizing what's important to you. We all have a limited amount of time. The days go by so quickly. So you are protecting your time and prioritizing it. It can help you reduce feelings of overwhelm and burnout. It can strengthen your self respect and reinforce your personal boundaries. And it also encourages healthier and more balanced relationships. That's the goal, is balanced relationships. And of course that's not, it's not going to look like that in every relationship. But if there's one that's really off kilter, this is where the power of saying no is going to be huge. And you're setting boundaries and trying to balance it out a little bit more.

When to Say No

So times when you should say no or can say no.

So situations where the request conflicts with your personal values or priorities. So you're going to want to always be very clear about your personal values, and then getting clear on what your priorities are too. If you're agreeing to something and then that's going to lead to being overcommitted. Which overcommitment then usually leads to exhaustion, which leads to stress, which, you know. We go where it leads. It's just a downward spiral. And then lastly, if someone's request feels unfair. Or go to the next level, they even feels manipulative. That is a great time to say no.

So how do you say no, effectively? You're going to want to be clear. And direct so politely and firmly communicate your decision. And sometimes that means giving a rationale. Sometimes it doesn't mean that. Sometimes the rationale might be, this is what I need right now. Or, I've been really stressed lately, and so I'm trying to take care of myself more. That's your reason.

You want to use I statements. So something along the lines of, I can't take this on right now, or I'd really love to go on a walk with you, but I busy cooking dinner right now. And that feels more important. Not my best example, but you get it.

And then you're going to want to maybe offer alternatives. So maybe it's not the right time. So you can suggest another time or doing something that maybe fits your needs a little bit more. Or suggesting other things that sound more interesting to you.

And, the best way to be able to do this is going to be practice. And by practicing in low stakes situations and rehearsing what to do, it becomes easier in those high stakes situations.

Overcoming Guilt and Fear

And once you start doing this, you are going to have to overcome some of the guilt and fear that are, naturally, understandably going to come up. And so ways to do that are, you remind yourself that it's not selfish and that's necessary for your wellbeing. And when you can show up in a healthier mental state for yourself, you're going to show up in a healthier mental state for somebody else. And so in the long run, the bigger picture of all of that, it's actually better for your relationship with that person.

Another piece is you wanna reflect on how saying yes to others may mean you're saying no to yourself. And that's something to really look into.

And lastly, being able to understand why healthy boundaries are so important and how it can lead and does lead to mutual respect in relationships.

So in conclusion, this process is not easy and. If it was, we would all do it all the time. But it can be quite transformative. And if you can use it as a tool and do it with kindness and compassion towards both yourself and others, you will notice your mental health increase, you will notice less stress and you'll also probably notice a healthier relationship with whoever you're doing this with.

And if this is something that maybe you've struggled with a long time and it's feels too hard to tackle on your own, this can be where talking to a therapist can be really helpful. And that way you can learn ways to build your assertiveness skills and set better boundaries.

Understanding attachment styles. So that is something that you often hear people talk about. About their own attachment styles, somebody else's attachment style. Often we talk about it in romantic relationships. And it's really helpful to understand both your own and other people's as a way to just have insight and to be able to work on if there's ways in which your attachment could be a little healthier.

Attachment styles, they start in our early childhood experiences. And what they refer to is the emotional bond or connection with your primary caregiver. It later manifests into romantic relationships, and then of course your familial relationships and your friend relationships too.

And when it's a healthy attachment style, it's feelings of security, trust, affection. And that plays a huge role in one's emotional development and relationship dynamics. And this of course influences relationships throughout life.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

So there's four main attachment styles. Secure attachment, which is something that we all strive for and can eventually achieve, that can be on your own or through the help of therapy. And so what that looks like is having trusting and balanced relationships and having healthy boundaries. And it usually means a lack of anxiety within relationships.

So that leads us to our next one, which is anxious attachment. So it's a fear of abandonment, often a need for reassurance and a difficulty in trusting somebody. And we all need reassurance at some point. So this is more of an excessive need for reassurance.

Then we move on to avoidant attachment. So this is someone that has discomfort with being close, and they rely on more independence over having connection.

And lastly, number four is disorganized attachment. So this usually looks like a mix of both fear and a desire for intimacy. And often this comes from someone experiencing trauma or inconsistent caregiving.

The Impact of Attachment Styles on Relationships

So what's the impact of attachment styles on relationships? We're going to talk about different types of relationships. So in romantic relationships attachment styles will influence how we communicate, how we have conflict resolution, and our emotional intimacy with somebody.

In friendship and family dynamics, the role of attachment is, in maintaining our or avoiding close connections.

Lastly is our workplace interactions. So attachment style can affect teamwork and leadership and conflict at work. Because if we're thinking again, what's attachment? It's around trust and safety and connection. Of course, it's going to show up in the workplace too.

Identifying Your Attachment Style

So how does one identify their attachment style? So like any therapist, I'm all about wanting to have insight and self reflection. That's only going to help us in the long run. So ways to do that are to notice your different behaviors and thought patterns. Start with a romantic relationship or start with your family relationship. Sometimes in a romantic relationship, it can be a little bit more obvious. Not necessarily, but sometimes. And so again, you're wanting to notice, have insight into that, be curious about it. And you can also find like attachment style assessments online. There's a bazillion books around attachment style and exploring your patterns in past relationships as well can give us a lot of information.

I want to put a little caveat here, which is sometimes, depending on the other person, we can sway one way or the other. So for example, someone may in general have secure attachment, but they start dating somebody and that person is inconsistent and confusing in their communication. And so before you know it, you're exhibiting anxious attachment. Just keeping all that in mind and noticing it, someone with secure attachment, that has really strong secure attachment, might be able to say, you know what, this isn't the right relationship for me, or be able to notice that behavior to somebody else, someone that maybe is in the middle of secure and anxious, it might just flare up the anxious attachment. Just you're noticing all of that. You're asking questions about it to yourself. You're just being curious and we're not having judgments around any of this. It's just, you're trying to figure it out for yourself because then you can work on having more secure attachments so that you feel safer and more connected.

Strategies for Building Healthier Attachments

So let's talk about some strategies for building healthier attachments. Like we talked about, so the self awareness piece, noticing your attachment style and the impact on your relationships. Notice your communication skills. So you're going to want to practice open and honest dialogue with partners, friends, and of course colleagues.

And you want to have this mindfulness and then self compassion around why different attachment styles might be happening. A lot of people have experienced some trauma or inconsistent caregiving. And so just being patient with yourself and kind about why that might be happening and hope that it can look different.

And so the hope piece can also happen by, you can work on it yourself, of course, or looking into professional help. And a professional can help with building healthier emotional connections.

So to conclude with all of this, we're looking for secure attachment in general. Because that is going to leave you feeling calmer, more stable, more grounded.

So it's figuring out ways to foster that healthier attachment and having more fulfilling connections, more fulfilling relationships. If this is something that you've struggled with, and you've read a lot and maybe tried doing your own sort of interventions and things aren't really working.

That's when it might be a good time to reach out to a therapist. And Therapy Now SF our clinicians are very experienced around relationships attachment and can really help people both figure out what's going on for them, build insight, and then also ultimately change to try to get more secure attachment.

So let's talk about Psychopathy in the workplace. I think this is an interesting topic to talk about because hopefully for most people this isn't something that's really common for you, but unfortunately, sometimes this does happen whether it's with a boss or a co worker or someone.

So let's start with defining what psychopathy is. It's traits such as lack of empathy, being manipulative, and having superficial charm. And when this happens in a professional setting, it's going to of course lead to a really toxic work environment.

So Getting a little bit more specific about what these behaviors look like in the workplace. So manipulation, we all know what that is, but using charm or deceit to gain power or influence is really the best way to describe that. And, often we don't know when we're being manipulated. And then sometimes later we might be talking to somebody and then they're ooh, that feels a little manipulative. And it's oh, my God, that's so obvious.

And then exploitation. So this often takes place in the workplace when someone's taking credit for somebody else's work, or they're deflecting responsibility placing blame somewhere else, when they shouldn't be.

Another behavior is bullying and intimidation. This one can be a little bit more obvious. And as you can imagine, it creates fear in the workplace and it's just a way for somebody to maintain control.

And then lastly someone that has some psychopathy, they're often rule breaking and will take a lot of risks. And often this rule breaking can be really reckless. It's unethical. And they're doing it without the thought of concern or consequences, or sometimes they don't have consequences for what happens if they're that skilled.

Signs of a Psychopathic Leader or Colleague

So signs of a psychopathic leader or colleague. Again, like this disregard for other people's feelings and well being. You'll see a lot of lying or twisting the truth. There's often this pattern of sabotaging others, and usually it's to, advance their own position. And then sometimes you'll see like this splitting behavior, so creating division among team members. And it's a way to maintain control.

The impact on a workplace when all of this happens with team dynamics, as you can imagine, it's going to lower everybody's morale, it's going to make collaboration really difficult, and it's going to decrease trust among your colleagues.

Usually it increases anxiety. It obviously then, of course, increases stress, sometimes depression and then often that leads to burnout. And in a bigger scheme, bigger context it can lead to a higher turnover rate and then just overall less productivity.

How to Handle Psychopathy in the Workplace

Now the best part, how do we handle this in the workplace? So start by documenting these incidents. So that's a detailed record of what has been going on. So that means the date, other people that are in the room, and you're going to write out very specifically what somebody said. So their manipulative or abusive behavior. So both behavior and what somebody said.

Next, you would want to set very clear boundaries. So establishing your limits and enforce them consistently. Consistency is the key. You're going to want to stay professional. So just because someone's essentially misbehaving or being very difficult that doesn't mean it gives you a green light to do the same. So you're going to avoid emotional reactions and do your best to stay calm.

Another alternative or addition to all of this would be to seek support. So talking to HR, mentors or trusted colleagues. If it's not your boss, that's being a difficult one, then talking to your boss or management.

And lastly, I think a very important one is environment is incredibly toxic and you are noticing your mental health and physical health decline, know when to exit, know when it is not worth it.

In conclusion with all of this, you really want to try to protect yourself and your individual well being when you notice that somebody has these psychopathic traits. Do the five things that I mentioned and really take care of yourself and do your best to create a supportive work environment.

If you're noticing that it feels too much out of your control and there's not much you can do and the stress is overwhelming anxiety is overwhelming, that might be a time to reach out to a therapist. All of our therapists that they're being are well adept in workplace stress. That's one of I would say one of the top things that people come in for. Sometimes we just need that outside support and that's okay. We need a sounding board and we'd be able to process everything going on.

Feel free to reach out.

Overcoming burnout. Burnout is something that a lot of people call Therapy Now SF about. We live in a work focused society and the San Francisco Bay Area, I feel is especially really into work and working overtime and all the startups and everything. So burnout is huge.

Let's define burnout. It's a state of chronic physical, emotional, mental exhaustion, which is caused by prolonged stress. And it's often related to work. But it can also be from caregiving roles too. It's not just work. I think that's maybe where we go to- that's where I often go to, but it can also be from some caregiving roles too. It's something that a lot of people experience at one point or another, I've experienced it myself.

Common Signs of Burnout

So what are some common signs? I'll go through each one that I briefly mentioned.

So emotional exhaustion. You feel drained, overwhelmed, maybe you're not sleeping well and you just feel unable to cope.

And then another one is detachment or cynicism. So you are just feeling disconnected from your responsibilities. You're pessimistic. You're feeling indifferent. You're not motivated. And then lastly, some reduced performance. So it's, you're struggling to concentrate, your productivity has gone down and you're not feeling any sort of sense of accomplishment.

Causes of Burnout

So the causes of burnout can be work related stress. So excessive workloads, unrealistic expectations, whether you put that on yourself or a boss puts that on you or the company. You're feeling a lack of control or a toxic workplace environment.

It can also be personal life stress. So whether that's financial pressures, some chronic illness or maybe, you're trying to balance caregiving roles can be incredibly stressful.

And it can also be attributed some to some of your maybe own personality factors. So you might be somebody who people pleases. You have those tendencies. Or you're a little bit more of a perfectionist, and maybe you have some high achievement, just that orientation. And so you're going to be more prone and susceptible to burnout.

The Effects of Burnout

So the effects of burnout on mental and physical health. So some physical symptoms you might see talked about insomnia, headaches, you have a weakened immune system, you're getting sick all the time and then just chronic fatigue.

And the mental health aspect you might be experiencing anxiety or depression, just feelings of constantly worrying or you're abusing substances as a way to cope.

How to Recognize Burnout

So ways to recognize burnout early that can be really helpful so that way it doesn't get to these intense symptoms. So, if you're noticing some loss of motivation, or you're feeling maybe emotionally numb. Or you're starting to feel that fatigue day after day that can be assigned to you to sort of maybe start to address the burnout before it becomes more severe into mental and physical health issues.

Strategies for Recovering from Burnout

So let's talk about strategies from recovering from burnout. So you're now in that space of feeling burnt out. What are some ways to deal? You got to set boundaries. So you've got to learn to say no, you've got to delegate tasks, and you've got to prioritize rest. That is a big piece, and so that might be if it's work related, you work 9 to 5, period, and you're getting emails from co workers and bosses at 9 pm at night, you don't look at your phone, you don't read those emails, you wait till the morning to answer it. And people might start to get upset and, or they might start to realize you are setting boundaries and so maybe they need to as well. And that often then is a ripple effect, which can be really helpful.

You need to practice self care. And so what that means is get outside, try to get some sunlight, have some physical activity. You want to try to eat healthy and try to get some sleep. You want to have some mindfulness, some relaxation, meditation. Even if it's literally five minutes, the research shows that can be incredibly healthy and really helpful. Deep breathing can really help yoga can also be another one.

Seek support. So whether that's friends or family, going to therapy, getting some coaching, all of that can be really helpful.

And lastly, reevaluate your goals. Consider having different expectations and career and life goals. So that way it can be more sustainable and fulfilling for you moving forward.

Preventing Burnout in the Future

How can you then prevent burnout in the future? So time management is huge and having that balanced schedule. So putting in time in your schedule for a walk, time in your schedule for five minutes of meditation. You're literally, I've put that in my schedule before, because sometimes it doesn't happen. The day just zips by and you're like, I haven't eaten. I haven't taken a moment to myself.

Another one is to have some work life balance to see if you can't get some hobbies in, to spend time with people you care about.

And then regularly having some mental health check ins. You want to be able to assess your stress levels and your emotional well being to catch burnout early.

So in summary getting ways to take care of yourself and noticing, I think sometimes we have all these symptoms, physical and mental symptoms, and we don't really know what's happening. And we're just stressed all the time. We're feeling anxious. First step is recognizing it and then recognizing the triggers and then how do we take action to change what is happening to lead more balanced and fulfilling life.

And if you're finding you've noticed you're burnt out, but you can't seem to grasp ways to change, that's when it can be helpful to reach out to a therapist.

And Therapy Now SF that is something we work with people all the time on burnout, whether that's work stress or caregiving stress or personal stress, and you're just feeling like you can't cope.

And so you need a third party to help you manage all of that and tackle it.

Let's talk about self sabotage. It's something that we all do at some point. Some of us are a little bit more prone to doing it than others, or we do it more often. We might be doing it in our relationships, our career, or our personal growth.

Let me give you some common forms of self sabotage. Procrastination is a big one. So it's when you're delaying tasks despite knowing it will be harmful for yourself.

Another one is negative self talk. And so we have this internal dialogue that, in time diminishes self worth and confidence.

Another one is we have a fear of failure or fear of success. It can go either way. And so we avoid opportunities due to that fear of what the outcomes could be.

Another one is perfectionism. So we set unrealistic standards and then that leads to disappointment in an action. And I see this one a lot with people that tend to be more high achievers. It's I'm going to go to the gym at 6am and then I'm going to meditate and then I'm going to cook my meals for the day. And then I'm going to, and it's just okay, some people- 0.5% are able to do this insane task list. Most of us are not. And so we just set ourselves up for these unrealistic expectations and standards. And then we just feel so defeated by it.

And then the last one is overindulgence or avoidance. So we just engage in unhealthy habits, such things as overeating or maybe an abuse of substances. And we often do that to escape difficult emotions.

Psychological Roots of Self-Sabotage

So what are the psychological roots of self sabotage?

This is some interesting stuff. It's often some low self esteem. So we believe that we're unworthy of success or happiness. This can often trace back to childhood experiences, maybe interactions that you've had with parents or caregivers, or in school, maybe with teachers, coaches

Another root of it is a fear of change, so we prefer comfort and familiar patterns, even though sometimes those patterns are often really damaging but we know them, so we're not scared of something new.

Feelings of imposter syndrome, so having imposter syndrome, unworthy of our accomplishments, and then that leads to undermining our success.

And then lastly is unresolved trauma. So past negative experiences, they influence our current behaviors. So with trauma, it can be that anything bad can happen because you've had something horrible happen. And so you're just expecting it anyways, so you can't enjoy any success or anything positive because you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

How to Recognize Self-Sabotaging Behaviors

So ways to recognize self sabotaging behaviors. So you want to have self reflection about your actions and thought patterns and notice when they're hindering your progress.

Like with the procrastination stuff, that's a really maybe more obvious one. Are you constantly putting off tasks when you know they're important? And then notice what that domino effect is. You probably talk down to yourself. You probably feel bad that you're not able to do certain things.

And another example is, do you avoid opportunities? And just fearing that you're not going to get it or you're not good enough, so why bother, as opposed to trying for the opportunity and being okay that there might be some rejection or you might not get it and realizing that's okay too, at least you tried. So just trying to notice those things.

Strategies to Overcome Self-Sabotage

So some strategies for overcoming self sabotage. A little bit like we talked about. So identifying the triggers. When these situations happen, noticing these self sabotaging behaviors.

Another way to deal with it is set realistic goals. Like the example I gave before of you have this task list, that's just 50 things that you're supposed to do in one day. And nobody, not even a robot could get it done. So be realistic with these goals, break them down into smaller goals and manageable goals and giving yourself time to rest in between.

You're going to want to challenge negative thoughts. So when you notice these self critical thoughts come up, do more positive affirmations, talk kindly to yourself, have compassion to yourself.

That brings us into practicing self compassion. When you're see these setbacks, you're not going to berate yourself. You're going to be gentle and talk to yourself how you would talk to a friend.

And then lastly, maybe seeking some support. So whether that's with a friend or a coach getting coaching or support groups or therapy, of course.

Practical Tips for Daily Improvement

And some practical tips for some daily improvement. Some daily habits can be really helpful to help track your progress and to recognize self sabotaging behaviors and patterns.

Using mindfulness techniques to help you stay present and avoiding slipping into these automatic negative behaviors. And then when you do have these victories and sometimes these victories are small I don't think going to the gym is a small one because I think that can be really challenging. But if you do really be proud of yourself, really celebrate that. And that can build confidence of what you're able to do and your next task.

So to summarize all of this, you're going to start with you got to recognize it first. So having that self awareness, noticing what your triggers are, and then taking those practical steps to slowly chip away at when these self sabotaging behaviors happen.

And if you're finding that you're just not able to do that, which is true for a lot of us, because we get so ingrained in these habits and we feel like we just can't get out of these really negative patterns. And so then that's when you may want to seek support and reach out to a therapist. And they can help you break down what's happening, build insight, and then also together you can celebrate when you do have these victories that will inevitably happen.

Let's talk about Covert Narcissism.

Narcissism is a big topic that we're talking about a lot and we're starting to notice it in different people and different scenarios.

What we think about is the obvious overt narcissism. But let's talk about covert. Which is often hidden. It's more subtle. Someone might not be like that loud overt grandiose, those are narcissistic traits, but they might still have some deep seated ones. And those people can be challenging to deal with.

Characteristics of Covert Narcissism

So some characteristics of covert narcissism are insecurity and sensitivity. Someone is very sensitive to criticism and rejection and they hide and mask that need for admiration behind some like modesty and shyness.

And then you'll also often see some passive aggressive behavior. So instead of being upfront and confronting or direct, someone's passive and aggressive about it.

And then they also often have this victim mentality. So instead of taking responsibility for different actions or behaviors, it's often blaming others.

And then lastly is more emotional manipulation. So that can look like some guilt tripping or backhanded compliments. Those types of things are really common in interactions.

Differences Between Covert and Overt Narcissism

So just to go back, let's do covert versus over narcissism. So overt- is the loud, grandiose, behaviors. They seek attention, really arrogant, right? And then the covert is a little quieter, a little hidden, modest, but sometimes you can sense underneath there's this grandiose sense of self worth.

And what they have together, which makes the narcissistic, is these traits of entitlement. And then the biggest piece is the lack of empathy. That's the thing that you are noticing is their inability to put themselves in somebody else's shoes, the inability to be able to have that empathy for others.

Effects of Covert Narcissism on Relationships

Next let's talk about the effects of covert narcissism on relationships. Sometimes you can feel out a covert narcissist by they're very emotionally draining. So whether that's a family member or a coworker, partner or a friend, it's this subtle manipulations or constant need for reassurance which can be really draining.

You'll often see some gaslighting and invalidation. Gaslighting really means they will make it difficult that you start to doubt your own perceptions and emotions. So you'll feel a certain way and they'll say things to make you think, wait, did it happen that way? Wait, do I feel that way? And then that lack of accountability. So again, blaming others, not taking responsibility for how they're behaving.

So some red flags that you'll see are this chronic victimhood, really sensitive to feedback, that pattern of passive aggressive behavior and some hidden superiority.

And so anytime you're feeling like confused or like maybe you're being manipulated in behaviors, and you're noticing it's a pattern with somebody, start to really think about your past interactions with them and see if are they displaying some of this covert narcissist behavior.

Coping with Covert Narcissists

So how do you cope with some covert narcissistic behaviors?

Like a lot of things, set boundaries, emotional and mental boundaries to protect yourself. So that might mean you're not on the phone with somebody for three hours as they talk about all the ways in which they're a victim or someone else is to blame, so you really put boundaries around that. That's just an obvious one. Or if you notice they're emotionally draining you, then maybe you set some boundaries of needing to leave, or you don't take on what they're trying to do.

You want to avoid engaging in power struggles. Any time they're seeking to maybe gaslight you in a way or have you think that what you're feeling or perceiving is not true. And then you on this power struggle of like, no, I do feel this way or no, I did experience it this way. Don't bother. Just- you identifying yourself what's happening and let them move on. Don't engage in it.

Then lastly, you're going to want to seek support. So whether that means from a family member or friend, or maybe therapy also can be really helpful. So you can learn when that's coming up and then you can easily begin to pull away and notice when these toxic behaviors are happening.

So in conclusion it's just important to notice this covert narcissism, because it's not as obvious and over time it can really deplete someone depending on how close you are to that person. Your own self esteem and your ability to regulate your own emotions, your ability to have clear perception. So you really need to take care of yourself and do that.

And if you are in a really close relationship with somebody, say if it's your partner or that's your boss, you really are going to need a lot of extra support. And if you're not able to get that and do enough of healthy boundaries, that's when it might be time to reach out to a therapist.

And Therapy Now SF, we are well equipped in working with people that are in these challenging relationships and we can help you cope in better ways to deal with that.

In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) “cognitive distortions” are simply tricks of the mind. The brain convinces us of something that is untrue. Often, they are the result of trauma in our pasts, but they can also occur without traumatic experiences. Of the many common distortions in CBT, “blaming” is one of the most widespread and can be very destructive.

What Is Blaming?

Blaming is simply the act of assigning responsibility for something that happened. However, it’s usually a negative act – you blame someone for breaking your favorite coffee mug, but you rarely blame someone for mowing the lawn, for instance. In most situations, blaming as a cognitive distortion involves assigning guilt or responsibility for how we feel to someone else. “He makes me feel bad about myself,” for instance, or “She makes me feel inadequate”.

The Effects of Blaming

Blaming ultimately leads to negative emotional conditions. The person placing blame often feels resentment, anger, or even hatred for the person they blame. The person being blamed often feels defensive, hurt, or angry if the blaming is vocalized or communicated in other ways.

What Do We Blame Others For?

Often, blaming does not center on physical actions. Instead, we blame others for how we feel, what we think, or our negative behaviors. For instance, a substance abuser might blame his abusive parent for his drug problem.

While the parent certainly contributed to the situation and there is no doubt that traumatic events can lead to addiction, blame in this case shifts responsibility for individual choices (the decision to do drugs and continue to do drugs) to someone else. Does the abusive parent have some responsibility in this situation? Yes. But the drug abuser must also face his own responsibility in terms of continued behavior.

How to Recognize Blaming

Anytime you notice that it's "blah, blah happened because of blank." You know, if you're sort of defensive about it. "It's because of my boss that I'm so stressed." Any of those "If so and so didn't do whatever, I wouldn't feel this way."

Sometimes the blaming is subtle and it's described as frustration or even self righteousness. If you're constantly feeling like things are unfair those are some blaming tendencies.

Then there's emotional signals. If you're continually feeling resentment and frustration those are ways to notice that too.

How to Stop Blaming

Changing blaming behavior can be challenging, but it is possible.

1. Identify and stop unhelpful thinking patterns. When something happens and we blame someone else, we often tell others about it. The act of recounting the situation compounds its effects and reinforces our negative emotions. The next time you find yourself blaming someone, try not talking about it and observe how your mental situation changes.

2. Own your emotions. We often blame others for how they “make us feel”. However, by understanding that no one can make us feel anything – we make ourselves feel things – you can begin to break the blaming cycle. As you establish control over your emotions, you will find that the words and actions of others have less and less impact on how you feel.

3. Consider therapy. Often, blaming (whether blaming others or blaming yourself) stems from traumatic experiences in your past. Physical, emotional, and sexual abuse are common causes, but any traumatic experience can lead to blaming. Working with a therapist, you can uncover the underlying causes and begin to institute positive changes.

Ultimately, blaming is an attempt to assign responsibility to our emotions, thoughts, or actions to someone else. Understanding that our thoughts and emotions are our own, and that our actions are our responsibility, is the start of healing.

Let's talk about love languages. I feel like it's something that we hear about all the time and, I think they're very effective to understand even just in basic terms of what it is. And usually when we're talking about love languages we're talking about a partner, an intimate partner, but they are also effective in any sort of relationship with family and friends. So keeping that in mind as well.

What are the five love languages? They are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.

I'll very quickly go through each one. They're relatively obvious, but I'll give a little example so that way it's even more obvious.

Physical Touch

So first off, we have words of affirmation, and this is literally verbal expressions of love. So that can be compliments, words of appreciation just simply saying, I love you. Anything that's kind and encouraging for someone that words of affirmation is important to them, that is huge and can go a long way.

Acts of Service

Next is acts of service. This is the old saying of, for some people, actions speak louder than words. Doing something for someone that's thoughtful, like maybe cooking them a meal or helping with a chore or taking the kids to school Any of those things can show love in a very tangible way.

Receiving Gifts

Next is receiving gifts, obvious, but it's not about this materialistic idea of gifts, and the more money you spend or anything like that, it's really more the thoughtfulness behind the gift. Something that's maybe meaningful or a well timed gift. For people that this is important to, that often means that someone's really been listening and they said they needed something or really wanted something. And then out of nowhere, that person ends up getting it. And it's because their partner was listening. So that's a huge way and a very powerful expression of love.

Quality of Time

Fourth, we have quality of time. So this one is all about not just spending the time, but the undivided attention quality time. Focused and meaningful time with somebody, minimal or no distractions, just you and them. That for somebody is how people can feel love. And sometimes that means watching a TV show together. So it doesn't have to mean, and that can be considered a distraction, but if that's something that's important and spending that time and that can work. Or going out to dinner is another one. Taking a walk. Any of those. Putting your phone away, essentially.

Physical Touch

And lastly is physical touch. So for some, physical connection, like holding hands or hugging or any sort of gentle touch on the arm, whatever that is can be a really powerful way for someone to feel loved.

And so for most people, I would say it's not like one of these is the only way they feel love. Most of us, all five are important to some extent. But maybe one or two are really that love language idea that really means the most to somebody.

The importance of a love language is it can improve communication in relationships. And it can enhance emotional connection and understanding.

Just having these practical tips for expressing love is a great way to be with your partner in a way that makes sense to them. You're just speaking their language. And it can be something in daily life that can be helpful.

So I encourage people to have these conversations with your partner and even having them with friends too, what is important to them, I think can just continue to build stronger relationships overall and be really helpful.

So if love languages is something that seems important to you or that you're interested about, it can also be helpful to not only talk to your partner about it, but to also talk to a therapist about it and figure out with them what that can look like. Problem solve with them. Different ways that you can do that. Anytime you're talking to a therapist, you're going to be improving your insight both into yourself of what's important to you and then also into what's important to your partner.

Let's talk about coping with uncertainty and building one's psychological flexibility. So uncertainty, I actually literally just talked to a client about this and keeping things very anonymous. But for him, he was, both moving and finding a new job.

And so as you can imagine, one of those alone would be incredibly stressful, but to have two of them in tandem is incredibly overwhelming as he was feeling. So it can be helpful first off to even just define all the uncertainty that's happening and being able to label it can be really helpful.

And then realizing that, I need to be flexible around all of this. And what are the areas that I can control? And what are the areas I can't control? And so it can also be doing things like I can control. I need to prioritize what I can control. I need to make lists of what I can control. I need to be organized.

And then it's also when the mind starts to get really anxious and go down rabbit holes to be able to, first notice that your mind's doing that, because that's a big piece of these automatic thoughts that happen. We don't even notice it's happening. All of a sudden, 20 minutes later, we're just in a fog and we're super anxious and our heart's pounding because we've been going on worst case scenarios and everything that can happen.

So one way is to be mindful and to try to stay present. You're going to want to reframe negative thoughts. And then also, build a support network of people that you can talk to, people that are helpful that you can talk to, whether that's a friend, a family member, a coworker, or a therapist.

And sometimes it can be helpful even just to talk out loud, everything that's bothering you, as opposed to just having it swirl in your mind.

Practical Tips for Coping with Uncertainty

And then moving on to some practical tips. So you're going to want to develop a routine. So having a schedule for yourself is really helpful. So that might mean for two hours in the morning, from 9:00 to 11:00, you're going to be looking for a job.

And then from, 11:00 to 12:00, you take a break, you go for a walk outside. 12:00 to 1:00, you have lunch. 1:00 to 3:00, you look for a place to live, a place to rent, apartment, whatever that looks like for you. So having a really set schedule and incorporating things to take care of yourself, like going for a walk, going to the gym, talking to a friend, whatever that is.

And then next, you're going to want to set realistic goals for yourself. Not a big goal of my goal is to find a job. Great. Yes, that's right. But what are the small goals? And so it's, from 9:00 to 11:00, when I'm looking for a job, I'm going to make sure I apply to two jobs in those two hours. So that means you're going to be writing your cover letter and getting your CV all set. And you're trying to break down what those goals are.

Then next you're going to want to practice some self compassion and being kind to yourself. This uncertainty, like in the example that I gave, these are two major transitions in somebody's life. So of course it's going to make you anxious. Of course, it's going to make you worry. And there's so much unknown, so much uncertainty. So how can you be kind to yourself? Talk to yourself, kindly. Take care of yourself. Do the things you need to do. So that way it's a little bit easier.

And then again, I'm going to just repeat it because it's so important is you're going to focus on what you can control. And the things you can't control, you've got to let go. And you've got to say that to yourself. That right now I can't control. I'm going to have to let that go. I'm going to watch one way to think of it as a mindfulness technique is I'm going to put that thought on a leaf and let that leaf go down that river.

Benefits of Building Psychological Flexibility

So some other things that happen that when you practice all of these tips and these interventions it's going to increase your resilience to be more psychologically flexible. It is going to help you be a better problem solver. It's going to improve your well being. So it will decrease anxiety and possibly depression.

So anytime you can adapt to change better, the better off you're going to be. And it's like a muscle, like anything else, the more you can adapt to change in a flexible way, into the unknown in a flexible way, it will be easier the next time something like this comes around.

And if you're feeling like you're still really overwhelmed after trying these different tips which is also understandable, that might be a time to get extra support and to reach out to a therapist.

At Therapy Now SF, we work all the time with people around anxiety and depression. And often that does stem from just so much unknown and uncertainty or a big transition in your life. And so our therapists are well equipped in helping people handle that and problem solve and get those coping skills and move on and walking you through the step. So you're not alone with them.

The power of journaling for mental health.

And I think we hear a lot about Journaling and, does it really help? And those that journal can tell you that it is extremely helpful. Some of the benefits of journaling and when we talk about journaling, what does that mean? Literally writing down your thoughts. That is this big thing of journaling, is just writing down your thoughts, your stream of consciousness, writing down whatever is going on for you.

And so some of the benefits of journaling that research has shown is it reduces stress and anxiety. It improves your mood and emotional well being. It enhances self awareness, so it builds insight. And it also improves personal growth. It helps one process trauma and it helps you process difficult emotions.

Types of Journaling

So there's a lot of different types of journaling. Some of the four main ones that we hear about and that are really studied the most are Gratitude Journaling, Emotional Release Journaling, Goal Setting Journaling, and Reflective Journaling. So those are probably self explanatory, but I'll just do briefly what each one is.

So Gratitude Journaling is literally writing out statements like I am grateful for blank. So I am grateful for being able to wake up today and do my job. I'm grateful that I got to spend time with my good friend today.

Emotional Release Journaling is often when something is really stressful or maybe even traumatic has happened and you are literally just releasing emotions. So I felt sad that blank happened. I feel angry that blah, blah, blah.

Then there's Goal Setting Journaling. And that is, taking a big goal, say of wanting to run a marathon and you're writing the smaller goals of today I ran 2 miles tomorrow. My plan is to run 2.5 miles. I felt great after I ran those miles. I felt like I was purposeful today, that I accomplished what I wanted to do.

Reflective Journaling. This is when you are reflecting on the day. Reflecting on who you are, your value system, where you want to go. It's just a general sort of reflective practice of what has happened that day or in the past couple days. How did it make you feel? Is it something that you want to keep doing?

How to Start Journaling

So ways to start journaling. You're going to choose a type of journal that suits your needs. You're going to set aside time, regular time for journaling. So it might mean literally setting your alarm at a certain time each day.

For some people that's morning for others afternoon can be challenging because you're working, but if that works for you, great. Or maybe after work or before bedtime is another common time to journal. You're going to write freely without the self criticism. So I think that's the hard part is we like feel embarrassed or something like that.

It's literally just a free writing time. And then you're going to later want to reflect on the entries that you've done. And so that's a way to keep yourself accountable to be able to process, see how far you've come, all of those types of things.

Practical Tips for Journaling

So some practical tips. Start with short, consistent entries.

That doesn't mean you're sitting down for an hour or even 30 minutes. It might mean you're sitting down for two minutes. And you're starting it out. And then maybe you're increasing that up to five or 10 minutes. But you want to make things feasible so you actually do them again. You can use prompts if you feel stuck. So that means you could go to Google and ask what are some good prompts. And some prompts might be, what's one thing I did today that I'm proud of? Or again, this grateful idea, that's a huge journaling technique. Or what's one thing that made me feel confident today? Any of those prompts can be helpful. You want to keep your journal private and that way that'll encourage you to be honest. And then you want to combine journaling with other therapeutic practices. So with maybe talking to a therapist or meditating or going for a walk before, after any of those things.

Journaling is just another way, it's often used in conjunction with other mental health strategies.

And if you're having a hard time getting started, you could reach out to mental health professional at Therapy Now SF. We have a lot of therapists that will encourage journaling, or you can even bring your journal in and talk to a therapist about what you wrote.

I have a lot of clients who've done that in the past and it's a way to be self reflective and to process a little bit more, go a little bit deeper into those journal entries.

Sleep impacts how our brain functions, how we emotionally regulate. It impacts our relationships. It obviously impacts mental health, anxiety and depression.

Some of the main common sleep disorders and their effects are Insomnia, that's something we hear about a lot. And I think we maybe overuse that a little bit of oh, I have insomnia just because you had a couple of nights of not sleeping although that's really distressing and not great for the body.

Insomnia is really a consistent not being able to sleep for more than a couple hours at a time or in little spurts. And so it's difficulty falling asleep or then staying asleep.

And then there's sleep apnea, which is interrupted breathing during sleep and that's something that's a medical diagnosis that can help using different sleep devices.

And then there's also restless leg syndrome, and that's uncomfortable sensations leading to an urge to move your legs.

Benefits of Good Sleep Hygiene

When we have good sleep hygiene, we have an improved mood and emotional stability. There's enhanced cognitive function and memory, reduced stress and anxiety.

There's going to be reduced depression as well as better overall physical health.

Tips for Improving Sleep Hygiene

You want to maintain a regular sleep schedule. So that would look like Going to bed every night at 10 pm and maybe reading and then falling asleep at 10:30 and then consistently waking up at say 6:30- 7 am. So whatever that is that's just a made up schedule but whatever your schedule is that you're consistent and so that you even do that on the weekends which I think people think I can catch up on sleep on the weekends but actually will negatively impact you. You really want to stay the same.

And if you do take naps you really want to keep those 30 minutes or less. So that way you don't hurt your sleep that night. So another way is to improve your sleep hygiene. You want to create a restful sleep environment. So that looks like, you want to limit the amount of light you get in the morning.

And you also want to limit exposure to screens before bedtime. So your phone or an iPad or your computer you want to avoid caffeine and heavy meals close to bedtime. So for some people, avoiding caffeine, that means you stop your caffeine intake at noon that day. For others, you might be able to push it a little bit more. 2 or 3 pm. But really you want to not do anything much after that.

Another thing you want to do is incorporate relaxation techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing that can be really helpful before sleep.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you're doing all of that consistently and you're not really noticing any improvements and you're still really struggling with sleep, that's when you may want to seek professional help.

When these persistent sleep problems, despite your good sleep hygiene practices, are happening and they impact sleep issues on daily functioning and your mental health. And so that's when you really want to reach out to somebody who either specializes in sleep or who's just a mental health professional.

And at Therapy Now SF, we have therapists that help with all of these facets and they can really help you improve your sleep and then overall mental health.

Building resilience. This is one of the most important things I think that you can do in life. We are all going to come across challenges and trauma and some of us more than others in different ways and stress is an unfortunate part of everyday life.

There's varying degrees depending on our lives. But the way we can manage that is by building our resilience. So first, let's understand what resilience is. It is the ability to bounce back from stress, from adversity, from difficult situations. And like I mentioned, trauma is a big piece of this, but if you haven't experienced some specific trauma doesn't mean, you're not still stressed and having a challenging time or struggling or suffering. And so resilience is absolutely needed. Another piece of understanding what resilience is, is it involves adapting positively to challenges, being flexible maintaining a mental wellbeing, and being able to move forward despite these setbacks.

When individuals, it helps individuals recover from hardships and from that, those hardships potentially even grow stronger through those experiences and be able to handle difficult situations better and cope than you did before. That can be a silver lining to a challenge is you now have gone through it, you've built these coping skills, you've built this resilience, and now you're more equipped and better adept to handle challenges in the future.

Characteristics of Resilient People

We've all probably seen resilient people. We've met them, maybe we're even one of them. So some characteristics of resilient people are being adaptable to change, being flexible to change. Change, any sort of transition, even something as what could seem benign as moving moving where you live could...

That's a massive change, right? And so some of us handle that better than others and those that are resilient look at that as a new experience as something positive. So again, it's how you frame it. So when you maintain a positive outlook, when you're able to see a silver lining or see that an experience has both positive and negative, but you're choosing to focus on the more positive piece, that is a form of resilience.

And those are people that tend to be more resilient. And lastly Someone who's resilient, they're much better at problem solving. They have great effective problem solving skills. They look at a challenge and they see, How can I solve it?

Benefits of Resilience

Some of the benefits are you have an improved ability to cope with stress. You're able to manage the emotions that come up, the anxiety that comes up when you're stressed.

And just being able to be flexible and not be so bothered when there's a challenge. You have overall enhanced emotional well being. You have probably less anxiety and depression. Relationships are better, they're more supportive. Your job doesn't really feel as stressful, maybe you even enjoy it. Just overall there's enhanced well being.

And then lastly, there's just greater overall life satisfaction. You have joy in things. You experience that you feel happy. You are able to do your day to day without getting overwhelmed and feeling like when things come up, you have the confidence to manage them and deal with them.

Factors that Influence Resilience

So what are some of the factors that influence resilience? Some of the personal factors are you have that self efficacy piece, that confidence, when something difficult happens there isn't an immediate anxiety of what am I going to do? How am I going to do this? Just that there's less self doubt. The self talk looks very different. It looks more like I've been through something difficult before. I can handle this. I can do this. Okay. Is this something I can change? Okay. How can I change it? Is this something I can't change? Okay. How can I begin to accept it? And what does that look like?

And then some external factors are the supportive relationships and community that you have.

Strategies to Build Resilience

Lastly, the strategies to build this resilience.

We talked a lot about what it is, what it looks like. Now how do we build it?

So you're developing a growth mindset. These challenges that come up, they are opportunity to learn. The phrase growth mindset got a lot of popularity these past couple of years. How do we look at these difficulties and take it more as a positive and challenge ourselves.

Another one is practicing self care. So we're going to do that by prioritizing our physical and mental health. So that means having good boundaries with people, with work. Knowing when we need a break for something. Knowing that we need to exercise and eat well and have healthy relationships.

All of those things. The more we practice our self care, the more resilient we are when a stress comes up. If we're exhausted and hungry and stressed out, and then some sort of challenging thing happens at work we usually don't have the bandwidth to deal with it. And so we just lose all that resilience.

But if we have all of those other things in place, we're feeling confident and resilient and then it just becomes alright, how do I handle this project that's due next week and I don't know where to begin. Okay, I'm going to problem solve around it.

Another one is we're going to strengthen social connections. The more supportive relationships that we have, the easier it is to ask for help, to get help, to be supported, to have positive support in our lives.

And lastly, we're going to cultivate that optimism. Situations that happen, that are challenging, they can be looked at from so many different perspectives and depending on the person and who they are it will do that.

And when you see someone who is more resilient, they often are focusing on those positive aspects. And it doesn't mean they're ignoring the negative aspects, but it also means that's not where they're putting all their weight into it. If you can begin to notice the more positive things, you have a mindset shift. Things start to look different. They become less stressful.

If this all seems too challenging and we've had a lot of difficulties in our life and maybe resilience isn't something we know how to do Therapy Now SF is great. Our therapists are great about building that resilience. That's one of the main things that we do. You can reach out and talk to somebody and get that support that you need.