Understanding Covert Narcissism

Let's talk about Covert Narcissism.

Narcissism is a big topic that we're talking about a lot and we're starting to notice it in different people and different scenarios.

What we think about is the obvious overt narcissism. But let's talk about covert. Which is often hidden. It's more subtle. Someone might not be like that loud overt grandiose, those are narcissistic traits, but they might still have some deep seated ones. And those people can be challenging to deal with.

Characteristics of Covert Narcissism

So some characteristics of covert narcissism are insecurity and sensitivity. Someone is very sensitive to criticism and rejection and they hide and mask that need for admiration behind some like modesty and shyness.

And then you'll also often see some passive aggressive behavior. So instead of being upfront and confronting or direct, someone's passive and aggressive about it.

And then they also often have this victim mentality. So instead of taking responsibility for different actions or behaviors, it's often blaming others.

And then lastly is more emotional manipulation. So that can look like some guilt tripping or backhanded compliments. Those types of things are really common in interactions.

Differences Between Covert and Overt Narcissism

So just to go back, let's do covert versus over narcissism. So overt- is the loud, grandiose, behaviors. They seek attention, really arrogant, right? And then the covert is a little quieter, a little hidden, modest, but sometimes you can sense underneath there's this grandiose sense of self worth.

And what they have together, which makes the narcissistic, is these traits of entitlement. And then the biggest piece is the lack of empathy. That's the thing that you are noticing is their inability to put themselves in somebody else's shoes, the inability to be able to have that empathy for others.

Effects of Covert Narcissism on Relationships

Next let's talk about the effects of covert narcissism on relationships. Sometimes you can feel out a covert narcissist by they're very emotionally draining. So whether that's a family member or a coworker, partner or a friend, it's this subtle manipulations or constant need for reassurance which can be really draining.

You'll often see some gaslighting and invalidation. Gaslighting really means they will make it difficult that you start to doubt your own perceptions and emotions. So you'll feel a certain way and they'll say things to make you think, wait, did it happen that way? Wait, do I feel that way? And then that lack of accountability. So again, blaming others, not taking responsibility for how they're behaving.

So some red flags that you'll see are this chronic victimhood, really sensitive to feedback, that pattern of passive aggressive behavior and some hidden superiority.

And so anytime you're feeling like confused or like maybe you're being manipulated in behaviors, and you're noticing it's a pattern with somebody, start to really think about your past interactions with them and see if are they displaying some of this covert narcissist behavior.

Coping with Covert Narcissists

So how do you cope with some covert narcissistic behaviors?

Like a lot of things, set boundaries, emotional and mental boundaries to protect yourself. So that might mean you're not on the phone with somebody for three hours as they talk about all the ways in which they're a victim or someone else is to blame, so you really put boundaries around that. That's just an obvious one. Or if you notice they're emotionally draining you, then maybe you set some boundaries of needing to leave, or you don't take on what they're trying to do.

You want to avoid engaging in power struggles. Any time they're seeking to maybe gaslight you in a way or have you think that what you're feeling or perceiving is not true. And then you on this power struggle of like, no, I do feel this way or no, I did experience it this way. Don't bother. Just- you identifying yourself what's happening and let them move on. Don't engage in it.

Then lastly, you're going to want to seek support. So whether that means from a family member or friend, or maybe therapy also can be really helpful. So you can learn when that's coming up and then you can easily begin to pull away and notice when these toxic behaviors are happening.

So in conclusion it's just important to notice this covert narcissism, because it's not as obvious and over time it can really deplete someone depending on how close you are to that person. Your own self esteem and your ability to regulate your own emotions, your ability to have clear perception. So you really need to take care of yourself and do that.

And if you are in a really close relationship with somebody, say if it's your partner or that's your boss, you really are going to need a lot of extra support. And if you're not able to get that and do enough of healthy boundaries, that's when it might be time to reach out to a therapist.

And Therapy Now SF, we are well equipped in working with people that are in these challenging relationships and we can help you cope in better ways to deal with that.